Post # 1
OK bees, it’s my turn to vent about family drama, a stupid one at that. I really need to get this off my chest!
A bit of a background; I’m Asian, my biological father and my mother weren’t married, he left our county before I was even born. After he came to the US he did contact my mother and acknowledged me as his daughter. He would send me presents on my birthdays and holidays, nice of him, right? Here’s the kicker: he married some lady 2 years after coming here and lied to my mother about it. It was the wife who finally wrote to us 2 years after they married to introduce herself! She was a freaking jealous one too but that’s another story. My mother let me keep in touch with him and eventually I came to live with my father for a couple of years when I was a teenager but our relationship was of strangers.
So fast forward to this year when I’m getting married so I invited him (we talk a couple times a year on the phone since he lives on the west coast). At my mom’s insistence I put my father’s name on the invite even though he isn’t contributing a dime. She said it’s an Asian face thing (!). So the invite looked like this:
Mrs. My Mom and Mr. My Stepdad
Mr. My Biological Father
cordially invite you etc…
So guess who called me after receiving the invite and wanted to know why his name is on the second line instead of first! He also wanted to know whose decision it was, mine or my mom’s or my stepdad’s. I said it was my decision, and it’s because I love my mom more, she’s more important to me and I want to honor her. To which he said, “Oh I see, I understand that I’m not a priority to you.” I cannot believe the nerve of that man!!! He wants to nitpick who’s more important to me; him, who abandoned us, or my mom and stepdad, who have been loving and taking care of me all my life! I am livid! But more importantly, I am dreading his appearance at the wedding. He’s coming for a few days and I do not want to deal with him. I really want to call him up and tell him not to come but of course that will create family scandals/talks and I know it will upset my mom. Such is the perils of being Asian, we’re afraid of being “talked about” lol.
I know that it’s my wedding and I can chose who to be there, but in this case I’m also doing it for my mother. She’s been through a lot and she did so much for me I want to make her happy. Sorry for the long post; thanks for listening to my vent!
Post # 2
“him, who abandoned us, or my mom and stepdad, who have been loving and taking care of me all my life” So did you say that to him? How did you respond to him saying, “Oh I see, I understand that I’m not a priority to you.” Don’t cower to his antics. Stand up to him. You are a woman about to marry. It might be good for him to hear your perspective!<br /><br />If he causes any drama, the second something mean or offputting is said, you tell him right then and there that he can choose to play nice for the duration of his stay, or leave. Have someone on point at your side to deal with him so you don’t have to, someone you can trust not to escalate the issue but deal with it properly, and be prepared to walk away from a situation so you can breathe and be a bride. Don’t let him, or anyone, squash your joy.
P.S. He’s lucky he’s acknowledged on that invitation at all.
Post # 3
Wow the nerve. Did he really expect “top” billing. You did the right thing. Sorry you are going thru this.
Post # 4
wow, thanks SO MUCH for the sensible advice! You’re right I should be able to stand up for myself. I just don’t want any more drama, especially on the day of the wedding. I agree that I should have someone else handle him and not let him upset me, since he should be lucky to be invited, like you said how he’s lucky to be on the invite too!
Post # 5
Thank you! I needed to hear that. He’s so crazy I couldn’t believe it!
Post # 6
I can’t believe you added his name on the invite..why?? just because it’s the tradition? I wouldn’t have done that..
Post # 7
I would have – I get the whole tradition thing. Even though doing the right thing isn’t always pleasant, sometimes you have to do it for the sake of the family. You pick and choose your battles. I wouldn’t start with him and just tolerate it as he is still your father at the end of the day. It’s not worth getting upset on your wedding day (or around your wedding day) about him!
Post # 8
I am surprised that your mom even wants this guy at your wedding! With that said, you are totally were sweet to honor your mom’s wishes. I would just ignore the guy and, if he asks what’s wrong, tell him that he doesn’t get the top billing and attention because he was never there to support you throughout your life. You don’t get top billing and attention by abandoning your kid (and her mother for that matter).
Post # 9
Brilliantly put!! And fantastic advice!
Do not allow your biological father to expect to be treated like your father; he has lost that privilege when he decided to leave you and your mother. If he wishes to be a part of your life then he has to earn that. Good luck!
Post # 10
I know, I wouldn’t have but I wanted to please my mom, after all, it’s just putting his name. Little did I know he would be such a jerk about it!
Yup, I’m going to ask my family members to be buffer at the wedding and not deal with him at all.
My mom is the sweetest one alive. That and the damn Asian family obligation.
Thanks bees for your advice and for listening. I just wanted to get it out of my system. I’ll not let him ruin my big day!