Long vent: I really just don't give a ship anymore…So where do I go from here?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
3459 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

Oh dear. I really don’t have much advice just wanted to wish you strength and luck to deal with this situation. Personally, I would distance myself as much as possible, keep any contact bare minimum and under no circumstances discuss anything wedding related with her going forward. You can’t change her attitude or inappropriate behavior, all you can do is control how you react.

Post # 3
Member
2706 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

No matter what you do, it will be wrong in your mother’s eyes. My suggestion is to stop the info train and restrict her on social media (and get your Fiance and Future Mother-In-Law to do the same) and if she calls you to complain, say ‘mom, you’re clearly upset, maybe we can continue this conversation when you’re more in control of your emotions,’ and hang up. If she texts you, ignore it. If she starts in on you in person, use the above sentence and then leave. Your Fiance and Future Mother-In-Law should do the same if she contacts them. If you stop listening to her, she’ll stop talking. You could also try ‘mom, I don’t want to talk about this. So, did you see the game last night?’ and if she keeps trying, hang up or leave as before.

Post # 4
Member
3905 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

anonymoose1 :  Your mom sounds like a narcissist. Every thing is about her, what she wants, how she feels, things are not good enough, critisizing, guilt trips, insecurity, playing the victim… yup. 

Read the books:

-Will I ever be good enough

-You’re not crazy it’s your mother 

-Children of the self absorbed

Maybe she is not a malicious narcissist but she definately has some narcissistic behavious.. and you need to learn how to block that shit out of your life.

Also check out the site called “Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” just google it. 

Post # 5
Member
745 posts
Busy bee

Cut her off. No more wedding talk of any kind. Hang up if she starts trying to talk about it.

Nothing you do or say will make her happy so don’t try

 

To be honest, I’d probably cut her out of my life entirely because she sounds horrific but that’s a big step and you said you wanted to minimise stress

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.

Post # 6
Member
1318 posts
Bumble bee

No more wedding information for mommy. Also no more social media connections. Unfriend, unfollow. Explain why  -once- and hold your ground. She may want to cut off all contact as a result, but that sounds like it’d be a blessing. 

Post # 7
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Agree with PPs, your Mom has some serious issues and is definately a narcissist. As she said, she thinks it is 50% her show… Well it isn’t. It is your and F1’s wedding, nothing to do with her really. She can come and cellebrate with you or not, it is up to her. Sending nasty texts to your Future Mother-In-Law is way out of line and she doesnt even realize it. I would not discuss budget, money or any other details with her, at all. She is trying to control evrything but isn’t actually helping. One day if she has another wedding, she can do it her way. 🙂 Did you say she made you return your engagment ring? WTF? You need to shut the information down. Tell her what is general knowledge on a need to know basis and nothing more. She needs to be taken off everyones social media posts or unfriended. She is over the line.

Post # 8
Member
234 posts
Helper bee

Your mom’s behavior sounds so much like my Mother-In-Law during wedding planning. Trust me, once you cut her off wedding planning will seem infinitely better and less stessful! You said it yourself, the majority of your stress is caused by your mom, removing her out of the situation will literally be like letting go of a huge emotional burden. I know it’s easier said than done, and there will be tears and fights but you HAVE to put your foot down. For the sake of your wedding prep and overall experience! The only issue would be her behavior during the actual day of your wedding (If you plan on still allowing her to come to your wedding) We allowed my Mother-In-Law to still attend and she seemed fine (scowling most of the time but..*shrug*) however later we heard from several guests that she complained a lot about everything but embarassed because the rest of our guests had fun and kindly told her off. My advice would be to cling to your Fiance for support and know you are absolutely doing the right thing. Good luck with everything, bee!

Post # 9
Member
1815 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Wow. She sounds like a handful! She appears to really want to be involved and a part of everything, but is overbearing and inconsiderate to everyone else involved. Usually these are the parents paying for the wedding, and the answer is ‘tell them you’ll pay for everything yourself’ so you can do what you want – but in this case there’s no money involved – just guilt. 

It’s hard – you know she wants to be involved, and would hate to cut her out – but she’s got to learn that once you’ve made a decision that’s it – it’s done. 

My grandmother in law tried to get us to do a ton of things for our wedding, always saying ‘you have to – it’s tradition!’ I would try to argue we didn’t want or couldn’t afford all these things (veil, 6 tiered cake; full flowers for ceremony and reception, string quartet for walking down the aisle, etc…). Finally, my Fiance just started saying ‘fuck tradition’ every time she argued we just HAD to do something. 

Because theres no arguing with “Fuck Tradition” – it pretty much stopped any argument from her from that point on. 

Yoi might have to come up with something like that – that just stops her in her tracks. Just something like ‘mom, our decision is final. You had your wedding. Now it’s our turn.’ 

Post # 10
Member
1186 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

My mom isn’t as extreme as yours, but I did limit her involvement in the wedding. She would ask questions and I would give very vague, simple answers. When she tried to complain, I told her that the decision was made. When she asked what she could help with, I told her that I had most of it figured out, but would let her know if I needed anything. When she asked to see wedding dress photos, I ignored the request (I didn’t wanna hear it if she didn’t like it).

I would take the same approach for your mom. As I’ve gotten older and have become more emotionally healthy and healed from a lot of my childhood crap, I’ve also distanced myself from my mom. I get that it totally sucks, but I was at the same place you’re at and just so done with her that the occasional grief I got over keeping her at arms length was WAY easier to deal with than the overbearing manipulative behavior if I had kept her close.

Post # 11
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Let me start by just saying that you seem absolutely lovely.  You are incredibly caring and self aware.  You are taking responsibility for how you could potentially handle the situation differently which is very admirable – it is hard to believe you were raised by someone who is the exact opposite.

 

You should not feel badly about this or responsible for any of this.  You have been extremely kind and caring to your mom, in laws, fiance — now you need to care for yourself.  Lean on your fiance and his family (they sound wonderful!).  You should not take responsibility for any of your mom’s actions.  You need to do what is best for yourself, which is to completely cut your mom out of the planning process.  You do not need to make a dramatic statement telling her that she is cut out, but next time she brings up wedding planning, you should just say “Mom, every time we talk about the wedding, it leads to a fight.  I do not want to discuss it, and I ask that you respect it.”  If she continues, then you say “Mom, I told you that I am not discussing it.”  If she doesn’t stop, then you leave or hang up (“OK Mom, I said I didn’t want to discuss it. I’m going to head out / hang up now.  I’ll talk to you soon”)

 

Best of luck to you.  You don’t deserve this.  Keep your head up.  You are a kind and caring daughter and person – don’t forget that.

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