(Closed) Long vent…very very sad :(

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
257 posts
Helper bee

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. You have to be so emotionally exhausted. I understand how important culturally it is to have your families blessing when getting married. I do not know if your boyfriend is of the same culture or not, but it seems like he isn’t. I believe elders in all situations need to be treated with respect. Your fiance and brother in law should have handled the situation differently. Of course your dad was going to be upset if some guy other than your husband was hugging on you and I am sure he could sense you were feeling uncomfortable.

Now for the advice: I don’t think you are communicating enough with your fiance. You need to explain to him all along you have felt uncomfortable hugging your brother in law because he is the only one you want to have that physical connection with. You also need to explain to your fiance that he is not allowed to ever show disrespect to your parents. That you sometimes have to suck it up because they are elders. And lastly, you need to explain to him that your brother in law’s actions have now led your parents to experience shame and discontent for your marriage and withdrawing all support.

Next you need to talk to your family after your fiance and explain that you love your fiance and they should care about your happiness and not just family honor. That you want them and your fiance. It isn’t fair to choose between either of them. I think you need another sit down with both families where your fiance and brother in law apologize separately to each member of your family and give them some sort of gift suggesting a ‘peace offering’ if you will.

I think communication is key. And you are going to have to be the one that does the peacemaking since it involved your happiness.

Good luck 🙂

Post # 18
590 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t understand why your family is suddenly thinking about moving away. When was this decided? If you chose to, is it culturally acceptable for you to move out and live on your own instead of going with them?

The combination of your BIL’s inappropriate hugging, your inability to put a stop to it the first time he made you uncomfortable, and your FI’s temper and his overall attitude (not composed enough to be part of the conversation, but instead bursting in and yelling; wanting to have the conversation without the women around, etc.) makes me think that this is not a great situation for you to be in. Your Fiance does not sound mature enough to be a good spouse or father, and, based on this recurring issue with your brother in law, you do not sound assertive enough to stand up to your Fiance during disagreements. Both of them should have been more respectful of your culture and avoided giving offense. Why didn’t you just tell your Fiance that his brother was out of line? Does his brother mostly hug you like that when your Fiance isn’t around to see it? If I were a parent and my daughter was put in that sort of position and clearly uncomfortable but putting up with it rather than making a scene/giving offense, I would be furious as well.

I suspect that your parents are the ones who have your best interests at heart. Your Fiance apparently thinks he can behave as rudely as he wants to your family with no consequences. To me, that’s a huge warning sign. How did it make you feel to see him yelling at your dad like that? Has this whole episode made you look at your Fiance any differently? Deep down, do you think your dad’s threats are coming simply from wounded pride and feeling insulted, or because he’s trying to protect you from an unhappy marriage?

Post # 19
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

@mrssrm:  +1

Post # 22
794 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

“The way my Brother-In-Law hugs me does weird me out sometimes but I am very good about getting him off of me without it being awkward for him and making me feel better. I never really told my fiance how I felt about this because well in the big scheme of things I dont see my Brother-In-Law all that often and its not that important.”l 


That is NOT ok. You should be able to tell your future brother in law that he is making you uncomfortable! Perhaps your father overreacted partly because he could tell that you felt violated!


I wouldn’t call off the wedding just yet, everyone is very upset right now. This would be a good time for you to explain the culture differences to your fiance and future brother in law though


Post # 23
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

It sounds like your fiance was wrong in how he was reacting. Of course he feels great about it. He got all of his shouting out, and your brother got his feelings out, but your dad probably felt threatened. And your fiance didn’t bother to even listen to his apology. In reading your explanation on your BIL’s hugs, I stand by my first post regarding the fact that he was wrong in this instance. Your dad shouldn’t have been physical, BUT he’s apologized, which means that part should be over.

At this point, there is a new issue between him and your fiance. It sounds like your dad is justified in his reaction, though it probably is a bit over the top, particularly the moving away part.

It sounds like your fiance was being combative, and maybe your dad saw it as threatening. Also, he was being disrespectful in that he couldn’t be bothered to sit and listen to your father (or his brother for that matter), but made sure his “feelings” were shouted. 

You should tell your fiance that his brother’s advances are uncomfortable for you. You should also point out to him that he was being dumb and disrespectful to your father. If he’s going to try and fix this with your dad, he’s going to have to dial back the aggression and see it from your dad’s perspective, which is why you need to tell him that you are uncomfortable with his brother’s attention. 

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