(Closed) Long wait before engagement – how not to wreck the relationship

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Kempinski San Lawrenz, Gozo

Why not focus on enjoying and improving your relationship instead of waiting for something better? I’d be worried if my top priority in my relationship was to get engaged.

Being engaged means to take a relationship to another level EMOTIONALLY. it’s not something you “wait” for. It’s something you both WORK for.  

I think I understand what your boyfriend feels when he says he feels like a pawn. If you focused less on getting that ring, and paid more attention to loving your life together, it would definitely curb the arguments, make the “waiting” more bearable for you, and help him feel you’re with him because you love him, not because you want someone to walk down the aisle with. 

 

Sorry for being harsh. I’m just getting a bit tired of seeing this mentality, and wanted to share my advice/opinion.

Post # 3
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Kempinski San Lawrenz, Gozo

double post

Post # 4
Member
580 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Adams_bee:Wow, how harsh and judgemental. I think that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything.

@Scottish_lassie:I’ll be honest with you, I’m not the most gracious about it. I take it one day at a time, and sometimes it’s a good day, sometimes it’s a bad one. I don’t even find that keeping myself busy helps, because sometimes I’ll be so tired and worn out at the end of a busy day that I’ll be more inclined to snap about it.

I can tell you right now that there is not a single day where I don’t think about it.

Post # 5
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Kempinski San Lawrenz, Gozo

@Mrs.SleepyKitty:  well she asked how not to wreck a relationship….so i was honest.

Post # 6
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@Adams_bee:  I agree with you 100%. I know waiting is hard, and a 2 year timeline is a long time, but if you really love him, you’ll work harder on cooling it and just being happy together.

Post # 7
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee

@Adams_bee: I agree w/you. People who are having a lot of trouble waiting may think your words are too harsh, but I say they’re spot on.

Find a new hobby, work on improving the relationship, start a new beauty routine, etc. Spending time w/friends is of utmost importance.

I don’t really pester my SO about getting engaged. We’ve waited just a little longer than was originally intended, but we’re saving more money & only growing closer. How could I get frustrated about that? I’m confident in our feelings for each other & he’s promised that it will be within the next six months, so I leave him alone about it. The only reason I could see to be impatient @ all is if you’ve been together more than a few years, or if you feel that he may not actually want to take it to the next level. Otherwise, CHILL OUT. It’ll happen. 🙂

As I have said before…

The better you handle the waiting, the more confident he’ll be in his decision to make you his wife.

Post # 8
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee

@Adams_bee:  I wholeheartedly agree— and to be even more honest- being on the weddingbee may not be doing you much service. Yes, there are very supportive girls on here and talking to others in the same situation I was in helped me tremendously. But I also believe it reminds you that you aren’t engaged. And daily reminders are going to take out your psyche more for the next 2 years. What if in 2 years he doesn’t propose for some other reason?

I love WB and hope I am not coming off unsupportive, but the best way to “forget” about something like that is to not be around it constantly both on and off line. It is good to take “breaks” – and fill your time with a hobby or goal- take a class. Join a group. Do something else to take your mind off of getting engaged.

Post # 9
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I had a 2ish year wait for my Fiance to propose too; granted, it was because we were long distance at the time, the relationship was a little too new (about one year of dating), and we were a bit too young.  But we both knew that we wanted to be in each other’s lives forever by marriage.

I “dealt” with it by making it something in my head that cannot or will not change. I didn’t nag or complain, or make snide comments about breaking up (the one with the dating show was a low blow), it was just something that I accepted and moved on. Now that my time was up, and I got engaged a few weeks ago, I think it was 100% worth the wait. If two years rolls around and he hasn’t proposed, then talk seriously about it, but I think you should let it go until then.

I also agree with @FutureMrsCassar, and I don’t think she’s being harsh.

 

edit: I read your past posts, you’re in a really shitty situation. Idk what to say, except think about what your priorities are.  Is it having kids? While it isn’t the most socially acceptable thing, you can have kids and not be married, if what you really want is children. Is it marriage, specifically with him? Then keep waiting. Is it kids, with him, one year into a marriage? Then you have to consider the fact that this may not happen. I really think he is dragging his feet and stalling, and that perhaps he is thinking of anything to put before marrying you. I’m really sorry, but then if it comes down to children, you have to think about alternate plans.

Post # 10
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Listen to @FutureMrsCassar . She knows what she’s talking about. Do you want to be in a relationship with him or have a wedding? There is a difference and sometimes I think we all get caught up in the two being blurred.

Post # 11
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I was an antsy waiter too so I get the frustration, but I agree with the other girls here, the more you focus on ‘the next step’ the more you miss out on the wonderful opportunities to spend time with the ones you love that happen every day!  Becoming engaged doesn’t magically make your relationship totally fulfilling, it doesn’t bridge al the gaps and all of a sudden you understand your partner on every deep level possible, no!  That stuff should come before the ring, and you shouldn’t rush it.  Some girls are in love with the idea of being engaged and all the excitement and attention that comes with it, I’m not saying this isn the case with you, but definitely relax about it.

It’ll come when it does, and the best way to not ruin it is don’t make it seem like thats all you care about and that if he doesn’t put a ring on it then you aren’t interested.  If its been 5 years of cohabiting then you should start worrying (and I was in that position with an ex, so believe me, I know waiting lol)  Chill out and focus on the reason for the ring and then it won’t matter so much when you get it, the true prize is the man :3

Post # 12
Member
221 posts
Helper bee

@FutureMrsCassar  I agree with you completely. She asked for advice on how not to ruin a relationship and you gave her excellent advice. Advice that many women on these boards would benefit from. I am happy you had the courage to say it!

It’s great to focus on planning a wedding when that is the stage that you are in. You are not in that stage. You are in a fantastic stage at the moment. You are building a relationship. Don’t rush through this, find ways to enjoy it and the next stage will come before you know it, when you are not thinking about it.

Post # 13
Member
5371 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada ♥ EDD- April 2016

I agree with  @FutureMrsCassar. I was always very antsy when I was waiting. I waited a little over a year and found that in that time I was always focusing on the next step. At one point my Fiance was like “you have to start focusing on the present because these are our last months as boyfriend and girlfriend. After this we’ll never be ‘dating’ again, so please don’t rush it.”

I tried to come on WeddingBee a little less and focused on other things I enjoyed to try to keep my mind off of the future. Plus he said the more I nagged him the less he wanted to propose and the longer I would have to wait. I still would talk about it, but that definitely helped me stop talking about it as much. My Fiance would say that he felt like I just wanted the ring or like I cared more about the engagement than him. I didn’t want to make it an awful experience for him, so I just cut down on the engagement talk. Try to put yourself in his shoes, would you really want to propose if you had to listen to constant engagement talk? I know I wouldn’t 😉

Anyways, two years seems like a really long time, but I promise it will be so so worth it (: Just try to focus on your relationship now and show him that he isn’t just a pawn.

Post # 14
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@GoldfishPie:  co-sign. this is what worries me about lassies post, 2 years to a wedding is understandable as it takes awhile to save for one. but 2 years for an engagement? seems more like hes stalling. i can see if it was a young relationship and youre still getting to know your SO, but the OP is older and has been with her SO for years now. it doesnt seem like she agreed with the timeline but agreed to it since it was what HE wanted.

i thin it would be harder to enjoy the relationship when youre given those circumstances.he seems to be calling the shots here and youre along for the ride.

i really hope your guy gets it together OP, i agree with armychica about avoiding the bee for awhile, it definitely doesnt help the waiting period. breaks are needed every now and then.

Post # 15
Member
298 posts
Helper bee

@Scottish_lassie:  Awww… 2 freaking years!  That would kill me.  But I just found out I WILL NOT get a proposal this year.  Probably early to mid 2013.  I am almost 33 and I have never been married.  My biological clock is ready to explode, so I get your frustration.  I want to wring my SO’s neck and say “if I’m the one, why not just seal the deal?”  lol

However, I adore my SO with all my heart.  He’s battling cancer and we are handling it together.  He’s worth waiting for, and I already told him if he waits too long to propose, we may have to adopt children.  I laid it down for him, and now HE has to propose when HE’s ready.  I am willing to wait because I love him that much.

Focus on building the relationship, and trust that he will put the ring on your finger on his own time.  I know that waiting for a man sucks, especially when your future is directly tied to this.  Believe me.  I don’t like waiting either.  But if he’s truly the one, you can do this.  If you have doubts that he is the one, it makes sense to find someone else.  But that new person may take 2 years to put a ring on it too.  Get what I mean?  You will be waiting 2 years regardless of what you do.  That’s how I see it.

To make the waiting better, I think back 2 years, so that would be February 2010.  I think of how fast that went by, and realize that 2 years will pass quickly if you see it that way.  Good luck!  I know it sucks!!!

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