(Closed) Long…Super disappointed at MOH…BM..There will be no parties or showers..?

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Uh, no, it’s not the duty of the Maid/Matron of Honor or Bridesmaid or Best Man to throw a shower or a bachelorette.  Their only obligation is to show up on the wedding day, in the dress requested, sober.  That’s it. If you’ve heard anything different, it’s wrong. I get that you and your Fiance have gone to some lengths for them by deciding to pay for dresses and shoes and to throw the ‘get to know you’ dinner.  It’s really wonderful of you to do that and to treat your bridal party so well.  it would be nice of them to reciprocate somehow but they’re not obligated to do so.  Is it possible they don’t know about the ‘no shower’ tradition in your family?

Post # 4
47412 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@RoyalBlue:  Reality check. No one owes you a shower.

It’s always nice when friends host a shower, but they are under no obligation to do so. If your Maid/Matron of Honor hosted a shower, who would she invite, given  that showers are not part of your culture and you don’t have many female friends?

Post # 5
4695 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@RoyalBlue:  No one is obligated to throw you a party. I’d take a yoga class to mellow out how livid you are for no apparent reason. You said it yourself.. showers aren’t tradition in your culture and you have very few female friends.

Post # 6
14049 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

No, it’s not the duty of the bridesmaids or maid of honor to throw you any sort of parties.  Their duties are to show up and to wear the dress you all selected.  It would be nice of them to do something for you if they wanted to, but you shouldn’t expect parties or suggest that they throw you one. 

Post # 7
7641 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@RoyalBlue:  You’re making yourself upset for no reason. No one owes you a shower or bachelorette party. And, given that you come from a culture that doesn’t typically have them, I would find this even more so. You’re upset with them for so many ridiculous reasons honestly.

Post # 8
9538 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Wow. A lot to get off your chest. 

First, take a deep breath. It sounds like you’re super stressed out. Wedding planning shouldn’t be this stressful. Showers and bachelorette parties are simply not worth getting stressed out. They’re not that big of a deal. They certainly aren’t essential.

Second, you’re still 4.5 months out! I didn’t have any of this stuff planned at 4.5 months. I didn’t think I was going to have a shower at 4.5 months and I ended up with two! And while my MOH/bridesmaids did send out an invite with a date and time, there weren’t any real plans made for the bachelorette until that night! So it’s still early to be freaking out.

Third, unfortunately, while it is common for a MOH/bridesmaids to throw a shower and/or bachelorette, it is not something that always happens. They just may not be the type of people that are into weddings/hosting parties. And that kind of does suck for you. But, again, it’s not the end of the world. Especially since showers aren’t common in your culture – nobody will miss it!

So take another deep breath. Think about what’s really important – you’re marrying the man you love. That’s the whole point. The rest is just details. Your friends may surprise you and pull something together. Or they may not. Either way, you’ll still have an awesome wedding!

Post # 9
2453 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

It’s not their “duty.”  They’re not required to throw a party.

That said, if they don’t offer, or they take the back-seat and don’t offer any help at all in anything…  What kind of a friend is that?

Also, with being 4.5 months out, they would still have time.  I would drop the shower idea…  I know etiquette is all “no family,” but really, it’s very common in my circle for the mom to throw one.  But as far as the bachelorette goes, you could just say, “Hey, I was thinking that for my bachelorette we could have a simple dinner or something.”  And see how they react.

Post # 10
4296 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@RoyalBlue:  Wowwwwwwwwwww, I am surprised that the first few responses are telling you to calm down and that no one “owes” you a shower. What kind of girls are these!? In every wedding I’ve been in, it was expected that the bridesmaids throw the showers. Maybe that’s just how it is where I’m from. If I was a Maid/Matron of Honor in someone’s wedding, I would be planning a shower. Plain and simple. I guess according to some of these responses I’m somewhat irrational, because I expect a shower thrown for me by my bridesmaids, as I have done for all of them. At the very least, she should have brought it up to you. I understand if showers are not part of YOUR culture, but are they part of your MOH/BM’s CULTURE? I would have tested the water to see if throwing you a shower was okay. At the very least, I would be throwing you a bachelorette party. At the very least.

I honestly think you have been too lenient with these women. I understand trying to make it stress free for THEM, but no one seems to be trying to make it stress free for YOU. The best course I can think of is bring up the idea of a bachelorette party to your MOH/BM and see if they had been planning on doing anything. If not, maybe plan it yourself? Even though that’s kind of unacceptable, as far as I’m concerned. If you were paying for my dress and my shoes and my mani/pedi the day before, you’d be damn sure I’d be trying to throw you a kickass party. You have been more than a gracious bride and these girls seem incredibly self-centered. 

Lastly, try to not let it get to you. I always say that weddings make seemingly normal people into whackos and I have had good girlfriends turn strange when it comes to planning a wedding or helping to throw a mutual friend a shower. I’m sorry these women are being so terrible to you. They come off kind of spoiled.

Post # 11
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Yikes.  I think you need to adjust your expectations of your bridal party. 

Post # 12
10007 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Ehhh I don’t really think it’s a requirement for them to throw you a shower. Of course it would be nice of them, but not everyone has the budget for it, especially with only 2 people to host. In my area usually close female relatives pitch in to help the BMs.

Perhaps they assume since it’s not done in your culture that people would not be interested in attending?

Post # 13
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Like PP said, no one owes you a shower.  You have been great to your bridal party, but they are your nearest and dearest, how else would you treat them.  I am curious though, if you have no female friends and your families don’t believe in showers, who the heck would you invite?

Just take a step back, breathe, and move on.  A shower is not necessary. The only thing Bridal party members HAVE to do is show up on time in the specific dress on the wedding day and smile pretty for pictures.  That is all. 

Post # 14
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

These types of posts always seem so odd to me because it’s like, wtf is wrong with these people’s friends?  I figure it usually boils down to one of two things. 

1. They either don’t understand how weddings work and don’t know what’s normal or not.


2. They don’t care.


It’s up to  you to figure out what kind of friends they are.

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