(Closed) Long…Super disappointed at MOH…BM..There will be no parties or showers..?

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 17
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@RoyalBlue:  Just because you are “doing so much for them” doesn’t mean they have to plan you a party.  And yes you DID say you expected a party. 

Post # 18
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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@MrsMeowton:  Are you kidding? Do you actually think the people telling her to get a grip on reality are terrible and spoiled?

If anything that’s how the poster comes across thinking she’s owed something just because she’s getting married.

Post # 19
Member
3238 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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@RoyalBlue: Ok, you keep saying how much you have done for them, but in the grand scheme of things you’re doing these things for yourself. You didn’t want to deal with your Maid/Matron of Honor complaining about a dress she didn’t want to buy because she didn’t like it, so you bought it for her. You didn’t want to hear them complain about silver shoes, so you bought them so no one would be able to bitch about it. Manicures because you want them to have nice nails (for once)?? That’s for you because obviously they do not care about having “nice nails” or they would get manicures regularly (I say this sarcastically because I never get manicures but I do have nice nails, IMO). A dinner party to talk about your wedding and to have everyone get to know each other in the bridal party? Sorry, but that is also for you (and your FI). These people are your friends and they are under no obligation (and probably have no desire) to spend time mingling with each other.

A shower is not a requirement. A bachelorette is not a requirement. Whenever I have been MOH/BM for a friend I have always done these things, but if the bride told me I had to or I was supposed to then I would have dropped it like a hot potato, sorry. They are supposed to show up in the appropriate dress on your wedding day. They do not have to throw you a shower because being a Bridesmaid or Best Man is not a job. If this girl is really your best friend, lose your attitude and talk calmly to her about it – don’t ask, don’t throw a fit if she is not in to it – but tell her you would love to spend a night out celebrating saying goodbye to your “singleness” (although that always confuses me as well considering you haven’t been single for 6 years). I would not ask for a bachelorette and a shower, figure out which is more important to you and tell her how much you’d love to have one. 

Post # 20
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@RoyalBlue:  Okay, deap breathes. I understand you are “doing a lot” for the girls. But you should be doing it because you want to do it. You seem to be holding it above them. You gotta drop that or else you’ll be full of resentment.

Next, while yes – no one “deserves” a shower. I understand your expectation. Has anyone in your family offered to throw a shower? Could your mom reach out to your Maid/Matron of Honor to offer to co-host the shower? If not, I would just email the Maid/Matron of Honor and Bridesmaid or Best Man and just say something like “I just wanted to touch base and see what you ladies had in mind for a shower and/or bachelorette. I don’t know if you girls have already talked about this or not, but would really love to have some girl time before the wedding.”

 

Post # 21
Member
5867 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

It is normal for BMs to step up and throw either a bach or a shower (possibly both).  However, here is the problem…you come off as VERY entitled in this post. 

Example #1: while it was very kind of you to pay for the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses and shoes, it doesn’t exactly make you Mother Theresa that you paid for clothing that you are asking them to wear that you specifically know they do not like.  Nice?  Yes.  Have you “done so much for them”? Not in my opinion.

Example #2: You made this post into one of the longest rants I have ever seen on WB (and look at my post contribution count), which was entirely unnecessary.  It could be that you  just aren’t skilled at editing.  Or it could be that you are a little self involved.

Example #3: You make several statements along the lines of “don’t they know they have to throw me a party?” This indicates clearly that you believe that the party is an entitlement.

Example #4: You felt the need to confront a friend about having a busy job.  She felt the need to drop out of your wedding, indicating that you were likely asking for a lot.

I would reflect on these points and consider if your BMs are seeing this type of attitude.  It could be why they don’t seem interested in throwing you any parties.

If not, I would suggest simply asking them.  Something along the lines of a calm, “Hey Maid/Matron of Honor, I was just wondering if you had given any though to a shower of bachelorette party.  Is it something you and Bridesmaid or Best Man were planning to host?”  This is not demanding a party, but at least you’ll know what the plan is rather than being upset when they may be planning to throw a party for you after all.

 

Post # 22
Member
1461 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

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@carolinabelle:  +1. If you want to do something nice for someone, you should do it because you WANT to and not because you expect something in return later. I’d hate receiving or doing things with so many strings attached. Just saying.

Post # 23
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@RoyalBlue:  

..I really doubt my Maid/Matron of Honor will be throwing me anything =/  Does she not know she has to?

 

she DOESN’T have to.  it’s nice and something that moh’s/bridesmaids usually do, but there is no rule that they have to do it

Post # 24
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

These two women don’t really sound like they’re very good friends of yours.  It kind of feels like you just picked random people to be in your wedding party, not people who are super special to your life and vice versa.  I know you say your Maid/Matron of Honor is your best friend…but if you drifted apart while attending the same university, and the extent of your friendship was ‘keeping in touch’, this friendship sadly might not be that important to her anymore.  I’m not saying this to be mean- just trying to explain why it’s healthiest to let the expectations go and possibly let these friendships fade to make room for new ones.     

At this point, I would get a family member or groomsman to plan a Jack and Jill (because you don’t have many female friends) and just include the bridesmaids/MOH in their planning. 

Post # 25
Member
4170 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@KC-2722:  Umm…I never said that? For most of my reply I was directing my comments towards the “women” in her bridal party, not anyone who posted. If you are referring to this line “I’m sorry these women are being so terrible to you. They come off kind of spoiled” I’m referring to her bridesmaids. Thanks though!

Post # 26
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I agree with other posters that it is not required for bridesmaids to do anything for you.  Is it nice?  Yes.  Required?  No.  If you are good friends with someone, you want to do it for them.  It doesn’t sound like you are great friends with these girls, so it probably isn’t at the top of their priority list.  That aside, i wouldn’t freak out right now.  I had two showers and neither were planned 4.5 months out.  I’m currently planning one for a friend and it’s about 1.5 months away and we’re just getting the invites together.  I would be really surprised actually if they were planned so far in advance.  If you feel the need to drop a hint then do so, but I’d wait a bit and see how it evolves first and give your Maid/Matron of Honor a chance to step up if she is planning to do so.

Post # 27
Member
3679 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m not going to comment on the overall tone of the post, but your wedding is still over four months away. My bachelorette party was planned maybe six weeks in advance. Showers are often organized within a couple months of the wedding.

Post # 28
Member
24 posts
Newbee

I was just wondering if they thinkthe get toknow each other party was perceived as a joint bachelor/bachelorette party especially with the printed tshirts etc. Could it be they think you have thrown it instead of a shower etc?

 

Post # 29
Member
1140 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@RoyalBlue:    then they should def. throw a bachelorette party or something in accordance with etiquette…it’s the BM’s/MOH’s duty..no?

To answer your question:  NO.

Post # 30
Member
295 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

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@carolinabelle:  +1000000000

 

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@RoyalBlue:  Everything you have done for these women is for YOUR OWN benefit, not theirs. You chose a dress your Maid/Matron of Honor hates and then paid for it because she didn’t want to? That’s not nice, it’s you gettng your own way. If I was either of your bridesmaids, I would probably step aside too.

Post # 50
Member
398 posts
Helper bee

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RoyalBlue:  Hey OP, while I don’t think you’re being over the top in wanting them to throw you a shower, you can’t expect them to read your mind. I’m just like you! At 4.5 months to the wedding, I’d be totally spazzing with anxiety, I’m just wired that way and can’t help it.

I’d take them out to lunch (meet up for lunch, you don’t have to treat them) and just ask them if they’d be willing to do something small, just for the 3 of you, plus the MOB and MOG? Like a brunch, or you could all go get nails done/ massages, something!

Also; I don’t care what anyone else says: if YOU are paying for it, YOU get to choose, and they should not be making faces, looking ungrateful, or giving you lip about it! You’re paying for their dresses and their shoes!? Your Bridesmaid or Best Man and Maid/Matron of Honor NEED A REALITY CHECK, BECAUSE I HAD TO PAY $300 FOR MY DRESS, $60 TO HAVE IT ALTERED, and wore shoes I already owned. You’re such a nice person to take that financial burden off of their shoulders.

Just ask them if they’d be willing, and if not, throw yourself a shower! Or have a fun day with your amazing soundind Fiance instead, who needs the Bridesmaid or Best Man and Maid/Matron of Honor if they’re going to be silly anyway?

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