(Closed) Long…Super disappointed at MOH…BM..There will be no parties or showers..?

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 31
Member
9079 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

There isn’t really much to say that hasn’t been said. It really isn’t anybody’s “duty” to throw you anything. Bridesmaids and MoH have exactly one job: Show up and stand next to you, and look pretty. That’s it. No, they don’t have to attend fittings. No, they don’t have to order their dresses in person. No, they don’t have to help you with decorating. No, they don’t have to throw you a party — at all.

Is it nice if they can? Absolutely. Most bridesmaids and MoHs will if they can or if it’s within their means. Everybody likes a fun day out, right?

But you are not owed, or entitled to have a bridal shower or bachelorette. You get your party — It’s called your reception. Just because you’ve done things for them does not mean they owe you. This is your wedding. You’re doing this for you, lets be honest with ourselves here, otherwise you wouldn’t have BMs or MoHs at all.

You’re entitled to be disappointed, I think many women would. But you’re not entitled to be angry or upset disappointed in them. It isn’t their job to please you with parties.

Post # 32
Member
5 posts
Newbee

Truth – You are a bridezilla in a way that you are so consumed with how your Bridesmaid or Best Man behave that you had to create a post.

Truth – No one owes you a shower or party, nor should you expect one. By saying you would like to have one, is pretty much saying you expect to have one, it’s just that your expectations are not met.

Truth – Doing stuff for your bridesmaids means doing stuff for them but NOT expecting anything in return.

Truth – Treat people the way how you want others to treat you.

Post # 33
Member
1299 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that if you agree to be someone’s Maid/Matron of Honor and/or bridesmaid, you know you’re supposed to help organize a bridal shower and bachelorette if those are things the bride wants. Is it <B>required</B>? No.  But if someone asked me to be in their bridal party, I would know that helping to throw these parties is expected.  If I didn’t think I could do that, I would either decline or tell the bride that I would love to stand up with her at the wedding, but won’t be able to help with any of the parties, and then leave it up to her if she still wanted me as a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Truly, does anyone have absolutely no idea that traditionally BMs plan showers and bachelorette parties?

I think part of the reason these issues with bridal parties have become so common is that most women work outside the home now.  In the past, part of the job of being a housewife or stay at home mom (or an unmarried woman still living with her family) was organizing social functions.  Now that most people work full-time outside the home, they don’t have as much time to do these things, and they fall by the wayside.

OP, I think you need to gently let your Maid/Matron of Honor and Bridesmaid or Best Man know that you’d like these parties and offer to put them in contact with your mom or another close female relative so they can plan them.

Post # 34
Member
3080 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@RoyalBlue:  ugh you shouldn’t have posted this on here. People are so sensitive about this issue, it’s kind of ridiculous. You’ll get little to no sympathy on here b

View original reply
@TGold:  ITA 

Post # 38
Member
1632 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Bach parties and showers are not a given because you get married. Anyone can offer to throw you a party if they want, but it’s certainly not a bridal party duty.

Post # 39
Member
1299 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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@RoyalBlue:  Something I’ve learned to do (even though it’s hard as women are basically taught not to ask for what they want) is to be more direct with people, but to frame it in the most polite way I can think of.  I understand you’re frustrated and your post was a vent.  I’m also a type A, super control freak, plan everything months in advance type of person, so sometimes I have to say screw what’s “rude” and do what will make things easier for everyone.  Call up your Maid/Matron of Honor and say something like, “I was thinking it would be really fun to get everyone together to celebrate and bond before the wedding.  What would you think of helping to organize something like that? You wouldn’t have to do it all yourself and it would be pretty casual, but I understand if you’re too busy.” And then you can see what she says and go from there.  I love the Bee, but people can go way over the top with calling people gift grabby and entitled.

Post # 40
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@RoyalBlue:  geez. after your last rant of a response, i can see why they might not be jumping for joy at the idea of spending quality time together.

Post # 41
Member
1772 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Is it fine to bring up with your MOH/bridesmaids/relatives/gfs that you’d like a bach party or shower and were wondering if some of them would plan those events? yes.

Is it okay to be livid 5 months before your wedding because they haven’t brought it up with you? no.

OP, sorry but reading your posts is so stressful that I can’t even read all of each post.  It’s just too much.  If I could even halfway detect this angry/frenzied tone in real life, I’d probably step down from being a bridesmaid unless I could mostly avoid you until the wedding day.  Some ppl are really nice normally, but can get pretty stressful and crazed to others while planning a wedding.  I wouldn’t want to throw you any parties or go out of my way at all if I could sense this type of attitude.  I don’t know how you act in real life, but that might be why some other bees have showers and bach parties planned for them and you don’t yet.  Also, there really still is plenty of time for them to plan both of those events for you- maybe they already are, but wanted to surprise you?  Sometimes these events are surprises.

A way I’ve successfully avoided being bitter or resentful about anyone in this planning process is that I treat ppl how I want to and because I want to- not because of anything they’re doing for me or that I expect them to do for me and I don’t do anything expecting gratitude etc.  For instance, for a family member or bridal party member who’s been a pain, I don’t feel like getting them expensive or elaborate presents, so I don’t.  And that makes me feel fine.  They’ll get the standard minimal present for whatever their role is and that’s it.  No issues.

For bridal party members or family going above & beyond, I am getting them special gifts that I’m excited about giving them.  They each do what they want to and don’t do what they don’t want to and I do too.  This is my wedding, not theirs- they don’t have to be involved in the planning at all.  No bitterness and no resentment and no screaming posts.  

When I was having ideas about the bach party and wanted to see if anybody was up to planning it, I chatted with a few about some of my ideas and now they’ve started handling it.  For a while it seemed like a bridal shower wasn’t happening, I was fine with that.  Then my sister/moh wanted to throw one- okay, fine.  No caps/exclamation points/screaming vents.  

Post # 42
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
@RoyalBlue:  I completely understand your frustration.  Technically, the bridal party is not required to throw you a shower or bachlorette party and you know that.  You were just upset and vented.  People on here tend to be very harsh and judgmental.  I also think that most of them would be disappointed if they couldn’t have a shower or bachlorette and they should get off their high-horse. 

Try to put your feelers out with Fiance, family, or other friends and see if you can throw very subtle hints.  You may just have to suck it up as they don’t have to throw these parties if they don’t want to.

Post # 43
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

It sounds like your Maid/Matron of Honor was a bit of a diva about the dresses and shoes, and that sucks. You decided to pay for those things, and that was very gracious of you.

It seems like you believe that because you have been so gracious you deserve a bridal shower. The issue isn’t that that’s not true (you probably do deserve a shower or bachelorette, at least as much as many brides who get them), but that real life just doesn’t work out that way. You seem to have decided that since you did X they should do Y. Unfortunately they probably don’t know that and they never agreed to it. The only time that tit-for-tat gift-type relationships works is in very specific cultural contexts that everyone involved understands. (Covering your plate in some areas or circles, for instance.) In this case you don’t have such a context to rely on, so you’re going to have to find a way to be okay without a party or to approach them tactfully and directly about it

For what it’s worth, going to weddings doesn’t mean you know anything about the behind-the-scenes wedding ettiquette. I was a bridesmaid twice, and both times I was surprised to receive a gift from the bride. I also never threw a shower or bachelorette party. I truly had no idea (if) I was supposed to do that. I thought I was supposed to offer advice when asked, show up and look cute. So that’s what I did. If one of those brides had bought my dress for me, I would have thought, “Yay! Free dress!” not “Hmm, what am I supposed to do in return?” It just wasn’t on my radar. Sadly for you, it’s possible that your Maid/Matron of Honor and Bridesmaid or Best Man are in the same situation.

Post # 44
Member
5 posts
Newbee

View original reply
@RoyalBlue:  A relationship goes both ways. If people loved you, they will do things for you, but at the same time you should be sympathetic to their needs. Not everyone likes to go out and shop or do the stuff you want them to do. I don’t even want to drag or force all 7 of my bridesmaids to shop together. They are human beings with their own life, not your props or need to bow down to your commands.

 

Post # 45
Member
5362 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2016

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@MrsMeowton:  I completely agree with everything you said. Every single little thing. I am very surprised by these comments because most of the women on the bee expect a shower and would also be pissed/disappointed if they did not get a shower or bach party.

 

 

 

OP, I think you have every right to be upset. I know I would. I am my bff’s Maid/Matron of Honor and even though her mom is planning a shower, I am also throwing one too. And I am throwing her bachelorette party. I have already planned this and her wedding isn’t until October. I would be really disappointed in my friends if they didn’t throw me anything, especially if I did everything you did.

I also do not think age has anything to do with this. I am 22 and my bff getting married is 20. So are all of her bridesmaids. Some are even 18 & 19.

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