(Closed) Long…Super disappointed at MOH…BM..There will be no parties or showers..?

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 46
5356 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2016

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@Mademoiselle-G:  +1. You are damn right they would be upset.

Post # 47
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015



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@RoyalBlue:  You talked about graduation from uni, so I’m assuming you’re in your twenties? I’m not sure how much wedding experience these girls have but is it possible that they don’t know they are supposed to throw you a shower? (Because yes, the bridal party is traditionally supposed to plan showers). No one cares about your wedding as much as you. I would bet none of my Bridesmaid or Best Man bothered to look up traditional Bridesmaid or Best Man duties after I asked them. NOT bashing my ladies here, just sayin. My mom is planning my shower for this very same reason. My Bridesmaid or Best Man are young, don’t have wedding experience and frankly students don’t have a lot of money to throw around. While evwryone qould love to have super Maid/Matron of Honor, I just don’t think it’s a realistic expectation for student schedules or budgets.


Post # 48
3206 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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@RoyalBlue:  I don’t think your mistake was posting on the boards as you’ve iterated.

Your mistake was picking two girls who are merely acquaintances rather than good friends. When you only have two BMs, then they need to be your bestest friends because if they do decide to throw you any parties, the cost and responsibility isn’t shared amongst a big team, it falls on the shoulders of just two girls. 

Post # 49
1643 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

OP, I come from your culture too, and usually I see a bride get a shower or a bachelorette, so I can see how you’re frustrated. However, in my understanding, it is also done when the bridal party and the bride communicate – and maybe you just need to be direct with your girls if you want one – and they have the option to say ‘no’ if they want to.

Second, hun, you sound really stressed. I would take some time off from worrying over these and go on a fun date with your FI! After all, that’s what the wedding is about right – it’s the start of a beautiful marriage!

Third, I don’t think you’re entitled, but, you sound like you have a desire to control things and make it all about you – look at how often you capitalize the words “me” and “my” in your posts. 

You are paying for a lot but you’re paying for things that benefit your wedding and are according to your own tastes, not necessarily your BMs. I’m sorry you have a choosy Bridesmaid or Best Man when it comes to dresses. However, what really struck me was when you mentioned that you were going to gift them with a manicure. You said that you’d want them to all “have nice nails for once (they never get pedis, manis)”… I’m a girl who never gets pedis and manis and wouldn’t value it as a gift. Why? Because I don’t like them, I don’t see the need for nice nails.

I would really take the time to listen to your girls and understand what they value, instead of giving them gifts that you like, and then getting all upset when they don’t seem to appreciate it. Maybe what they really value is quality time with you. Maybe what they value is simplicity, and you’re making things complicated. They sound like they’re more carefree (iNtuitive on Myers-Briggs) and you sound like you’re more J. I get that – I’m super J, but you can’t force it on other people.

If your BMs don’t want to wear silver shoes, don’t ask them to – most women own black and nude shoes, silver shoes… don’t get reworn a lot. If the dresses don’t fit them perfectly, it’s okay, there are ways to pose to hide imperfections. Your Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t wear makeup – let her be! I have makeup junkie friends but I prefer going very natural, and being asked to wear a lot of makeup is a bit insulting to my natural beauty. Don’t worry about her makeup on your wedding day.

Maybe they also have other things going on in their lives that is making the additional tasks for the wedding difficult. Plus, people change a lot in their 20s – the whole quarter life crisis thing and all. 

At this point, you could ask your Maid/Matron of Honor and Bridesmaid or Best Man if there is a party in the works, but at most, just expect them to show up on your day in a style that suits them.

Post # 50
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@RoyalBlue:  My advice, darling, is to close this post.  Reading the responses will only make you feel worse. Apparently, everyone here is a psychologist…

Post # 51
804 posts
Busy bee

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RoyalBlue:  I understand that you’re frustrated as you’ve been accomodating to them wrt your wedding, but everything you’ve done has also been for you in part, so it’s a little unfair to hold it against them. Maybe just gently feel out whether or not they’re intending to plan anything – you do still have quite a bit of time to go.

Post # 52
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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RoyalBlue:  I am gonna go against the “popular” opinion on this post and say yes it is traditionally considered to be the responibility of Maid/Matron of Honor and Bridesmaid or Best Man to throw a shower, party or outing of some kind for the bride. It doesn’t have to be big, expensive or any of that but it should at the very least be thoughtful. I can not believe how many think that this isn’t their responsibility/duty!! Because I feel it is!

Also traditionally the Maid/Matron of Honor and BMs pay for their own stuff for the wedding. So it was VERY nice of you to do it, whatever your reasons. 

My suggestions to you all is, when asked to participate in a wedding ask what the brides expectations are, if she would like a party/shower/jack and jill etc. If you are unable to meet the expectations then bow out early. You should also ask yourself what you feel the right thing to do is..because it is to have some consideration for the bride that put you in such a place of honor at her wedding. She didn’t have to ask you, but she did and you should respect that.

Just my 2 cents.


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