Post # 77
Agree with others, so won’t repeat.
BUT please stop using YOUR savings to pay for HIS food and insurance. It sounds like he wants a system where what’s his is his and what’s yours is ours. Don’t burn through your savings when you’ll need it to live off of.
Good luck – we’re rooting for you!
Post # 78
To be honest, this just doesn’t sound like how someone who loves you should treat you. The fact that he says he isn’t willing to work to make it better is really disappointing and extremely unfair to you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this 🙁
Post # 79
I am speechless. I can’t believe you pay rent and the bills. You’re a couple. A team. Everything is supposed to be equal. I just can’t even think of what else to say except voicing what PPs have already posted. My opinion? Separate and go to counseling. If nothing improves, then leave.
I truly am sorry you’re going through such non-sense. You deserve better.
Post # 80
He made his vows too, including to love you for better or for worse. Not to call you white trash because he’s not happy that you have hair.
It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that divorce was okay for me. I always knew it was okay for other people and I couldn’t judge someone who had gotten a divorce, but I thought it wasn’t an option for me.
But my husband broke his vows. He didn’t love me for better or for worse, in sickness as well as health. The moment I got too sick to go to work to support us, he felt free to treat me however he wanted to. Marriage doesn’t work that way, and I wasn’t the problem in the equation. You are not the problem in this one.
It sounds like your husband doesn’t respect you. No, I won’t even say that, he definitely doesn’t respect you. He told you he doesn’t respect you. I agree with PPs who said to go to your parents to separate. You don’t need to get a divorce, but he can’t be allowed to believe that it is okay to treat you like that. It isn’t. Also agree with PPs that he’s being manipulative and making excuses; if it’s your “place” to be the good little housewife, then you don’t need to pay rent and he needs to pay for everything.
If you do stay, start billing him for cleaning up after him. Laundry washed, $20 (add some hazard pay if you have to clean his underwear). Dishes cleaned, $15. If you are the maid to him, go ahead and charge him through the nose for your services.
Post # 81
Does no one know what “in lieu of rent to my husband” means?! It means instead of paying rent, she pays for other things (i.e. his health insurance, groceries, small furniture items, kitchen supplies) because she is in school. Just wanted to state that b/c people keep asking why the OP pays rent to her husband. She doesn’t.
KristenGettingMarried I also see nothing wrong with a wife contributing to the rent or “pulling her weight”.
Post # 82
MsNarwhal I’m with you. I don’t think it’s that terrible, although it is unfortunate. Some things immediately cause you think divorce, this one didn’t for me. Of course if he is really this stubborn and unwilling to change his views, give more respect and conpromise, I can see why the OP would want out.
While I think the husband is going about it wrong, I do think (and this is my personal belief) that if he is providing the majority of the income she (or any woman) should be doing the majority of the house upkeep, even if they are in school. Traditional gender roles may be outdated but we can’t deny that we are inherently wired to take on certain roles, and it will always be that way. And while it seems unfair, today women are expected to contribute financially on top of keeping the home up, and often must do that to demand equal respect. Often when the man has the clear upperhand financially, he will have controlling tendencies. I think it’s because this makes them feel powerful, and also b/c when times get hard, resentment builds.
I just think the expectations of gender roles need to be made known before two people get married. It’s totally unfair for him to spring these expecations on her after the fact.
ETA: And the prenup- not cool.
Post # 83
Traditional gender roles may be outdated but we can’t deny that we are inherently wired to take on certain roles, and it will always be that way.
We are? Says whom?! Social expetcation is not the same as “inherent wiring” – you can choose not to accept the latter.
And while it seems unfair, today women are expected to contribute financially on top of keeping the home up, and often must do that to demand equal respect.
It seems unfair because it IS. You most certainly should NOT have to earn a certain amount of money or keep your home a certain way to deserve respect from your own husband.
Anyway, all that is besides the point. The point is not the hosuework. The point is not the financial contribution. The point is that her husband frequently gives her the silent treatment, calls her trash, has zero respect for her (not at least until she becomes a doctor apparently), is unsympathetic to her struggles, is unwilling to work on their relationship, and is all-around rude, stubborn, and inconsiderate. He could do all the housework in the world himself and I would still leave.
If this is “not that bad,” I just don’t know what is…
Post # 84
What I was really disguested by was that he deemed HER behavior childish, but when she expressed that she felt his way of dealing with something was childish, he dismissed it as only her opinion. He basically thinks his opinion matters more than hers.
That’s not a workable partnership.
Post # 85
I most certainly am NOT “inherently wired” to take on any such traditional gender roles, and I am totally flabbergasted by your response to the OP. My husband is cleaner than I am, prefers to cook more than I do, etc. etc. The joy of being in a loving and fulfilling marriage is that my husband does not “require” me to do anything to earn his love and respect. Of course, I want to be a good partner for him, just as he does for me, but if he expected me to do more housework than him just because I’ve got boobs, well…we wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place.
Post # 86
Yeah. He doesn’t want a wife. He wants a maid and a piece of ass. You’re better than that and you don’t have to put up with the way he has treated you.
THIS. I’m shocked at the ladies who don’t think this is that bad. This is an awful situation! I understand that couples can go through rough patches when times get tough. It’s not worth getting a divorce over the occasional fight or bickering. It is worth getting a divorce when you’re being disrespected. If he was willing to acknowledge the problem, work it out together, that would be one thing. But he’s laying sole blame on the OP, and that’s a sign of an abuser. Honey, the longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave.
Post # 87
I feel sad about the responses here that boil down to the belief that gender roles are “inherently natural”. That’s all.
Post # 88
Oh, honey. I’m sorry 🙁 I agree with the other posters who think it might be time to get out. He has shown in so many ways he has no respect for you and that’s just no way to live.
I’m currently a Stay-At-Home Wife working on growing my home-based business (soon to also be a SAHM). I have my husband’s full support and he never even questions what I might be spending my days doing, or why I went to breakfast with my girlfriends on a Monday morning. He often comes home after working a long day and makes dinner. THAT is what you deserve–a man who loves you and supports you, and helps you out, not someone who keeps score and acts with contempt and resentment toward you.
I saw my dad tear my mom down for 16 years before she finally was strong enough to leave him. Please don’t let that be you, it only gets worse. I have this image of you worrying about whether the towels in the bathroom are straight enough for him (I think that’s from that movie “Sleeping with the Enemy”). Don’t live your life walking on eggshells. He’s not worthy of you and is trying to tear you down so you think you’re the one not worthy of him. Making you feel crazy and question yourself constantly is a sure sign something is off. Focus on med school, be a doctor, and leave all that insecurity behind. Good luck to you!
Post # 90
Oh my god. I’ve read about half the comments, but I’ve been holding back a scream since I got to the part about paying rent to your husband and “knowing your place,” and that was quite a while ago. Get out! Get out get out get out get out. While I do understand that marriage is not a commitment to be taken lightly, I’m fairly certain it is also not a commitment to be taken under false pretenses and it cannot exist without mutual respect and trust. Clearly that is not the case here. He doesn’t deserve your respect. Ugh. And that part about the pre-nup? Blech. It all just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
I honestly think this sounds like a precursor to spousal abuse.
Post # 91
he’s a sexist pig. if he’s not capable of changing his outlook (which, honestly, is probably already instilled rather deep in him), you don’t need him. stress or no stress, he needs to respect you.
i honestly cannot believe some people are responding saying it’s okay to think about women this way.