This sounds so familiar. My ex and I were married for 15 years! He had me so brainwashed, it was ridiculous. My self esteem was low, and he took advantage of it. I am 50 years old now, and can tell you, that your situation is probably not going to change. People DO NOT change that drastically unless they hit some sort of rock bottom.
My ex was all about the money. Stingy, selfish, and manipulative, but said all the right things to distort everything into being “my fault”. Since I had been in a failed marriage before, I believed him.
Same things … he never helped around the house, he had “his bills” (2), and I had all the rest .. PLUS working, and raising 3 children (1 was ours). He always criticized me for not keeping the house clean enough, not making 3 healthy meals per day, not raising the kids right, not making enough money .. etc .. etc .. And to top it off, his family sided with him!
I was working full time, carting the kids around, doing any cleaning that got done, and homeschooling 2 of the kids!
It was a horrible situation, and I wasted 15 years and a lot of heartache, thinking it would change. He refused to go back to counseling (because the counselor saw through his manipulation). Since we had a child together, it made it all way worse. He would constantly belittle me in front of her, making her not respect my decisions.
When we divorced, he was so set on not paying any child support, that he first tried to convince our daughter to live with him. When she said she didn’t want to, he got angry at her, and dumped her off in the driveway of my house (she was 10, and I was at work), telling her that he didn’t want her anymore!! He then fled the country for 2 years.
When he came back, he kidnapped our daughter, and took her out of state! He then spent a year in jail for the kidnapping. When he got out, he and his family took me to court, trying to get custody of her! This caused so much grief, has completely screwed up our daughter’s psyche, and cost so much money I did not have.
He and his Mommy have spend 10s of thousands on legal fees, just to not pay child support! Wow.
He has still, to this day, never paid a dime, and is now back in jail (going on another year) for child abandonment.
He is finally paying for his actions, but has left so much damage. I lost my car, my business, our home. I had to file bankruptcy in order to get rid of some accounts he had set up in my name and not paid. We had to rely on charity several times. I went back to school, and now owe so much money in student loans. I am also still paying the lawyers!
These manipulators say what you want to hear, and make you think you’re wrong. They’ve been doing it all of their lives, in order to get their own way, so they are really good at it.
From reading your posts, you are NOT wrong. I’m sure you have contributed to the arguments .. who wouldn’t?? I read some exact quotations in your post, that was verbatim what my ex said to me.
Please don’t waste 15 years of your life on something that will most likely not change, and especially do not bring children into this situation!!
Find someone who loves you for what you are!! He is out there!!
Cut your losses, and be happy!