(Closed) Long…think I’m leaving my husband

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 92
Member
2491 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

First off, I think that you need to do what’s best for you. Clearly what is happening is that your husband wants a marriage from the 1950’s and expects you to do all the work around the house, etc. etc. As clear is how much this bothers you. You demand an equal partnership and you should have the right to get one. I think you should take some time for yourself to re-evaluate, since you have already done councilling, tried to discuss it, etc.

Secondly, I think that it is sad how many of these comments have come down to comments about how women are innately better at housework and should do it, vs women and men should keep house equally. I respect that some women CHOOSE to do the majority of the housework, have their husbands handle the finances, and decide on typical gender roles, but I feel that it is ridiculous to criticize the OP about her choice to be equal with her partner.

As a woman in a very equal partnership and with ‘modern’ ideas on equality, I agree with the OP in her decisions. If my Fiance treated me the way he treats her financially, emotionally and in regards to household maintenence I would be infurtiated! In my current relationship my Fiance and I cook equally, clean equally and both manage the finances from a joint account. I have yet to hear him say “women do ________” because he likely knows I would be infurtiated and walk out for awhile.

Post # 93
Member
810 posts
Busy bee

 

@NeedALittleHelp:  To be honest, I think it sounds like a horrible situation and I am sorry that you are going through it. If it was me, personally, I think I would separate to see how things go (as a middle ground between being married and getting divorced). If things improved them I would go back and if not…

Post # 94
Member
5787 posts
Bee Keeper

OP….I think you need MORE ‘Than a little help’….you need a fresh start and a life away from this man you call your husband. I also think you already knew it, but needed some reinforcement in that your beliefs about how you’re being treated are so far off from most ‘normal’ people who are in healthy relationships. In what world does this person live  since it sounds like he’s from another planet?

He’s chosen this behavior so he will also be choosing the consequences of being alone with his fantasy wife, unless you decide to try and give it another shot. Deep inside you must know that this isn’t going to change and will only escalate. Is that what you really want to do with the rest of your life? Spending all your time trying and failing to make someone else happy? Let him be someone else’s problem and move on.

Post # 95
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I dont like his attitude at all, he is being so disrespectful and these things have a terrible habit of getting worse.

The argument is based on such minor details- I would hate to see his attutude worsen when there is a real strain on the relationship (not his job but the relationship) …

If you deem this as being OK now by do anything other than distancing yourself and standing your ground (easier said than done, I know)- brace yourself for something much worse next time over….

Without respect- a relationship has nothing

Post # 96
Member
2441 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

If you are supposed to stay in your place, you should point out to him that with that arrangement it would be his place to provide for you 100% by paying all the bills so you would have time to stay home, cook, clean and stay barefoot and pregnant.  He can’t have it both ways.  Tell him to pick a side!

If he decides to go with the archaic route – you may have to make a move, if that isn’t what you want.  If he wants to work with you, then this is just a rough patch, but he will have to find better ways to cope with his stress.  You are not his punching bag.

Post # 97
Member
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

thats really sad 🙁  I think you guys need look marriage counseling.  I would not stand for a relationship that I did not feel was an equal one.  Get some help only time will tell if this is a phase or if he really wants a maid/ property instead of a wife and equal partenr.  If it does not get better with professional help you will have to decide you are willing to change your values and be unhappy.  Good Luck!!!

Post # 98
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

He is abusing you.  Calling someone “white trash” is abuse.  I almost married someone in 2001 who was abusive, and one day I had to look in the mirror and tell myself 50 times that I am beautiful, smart, caring and I deserve better.  I didn’t believe it at the time, but I forced myself to say it every day.  Then I left for good and I never dated anyone like that again.  I have had 4 serious relationships since then, and none of them have ever even raised their voice to me.

Things will always be tough in a marriage.  Job losses, death, illnesses, natural disasters, bratty kids, etc.  It’s part of life.  Do you really want him to talk to you this way every time things get bad?  How would your kids express themselves when they see daddy acting like an ass all the time?  Don’t do that to them.  It’s SOOO hard to break the abuse cycle.  My mom was abused by her spouse all through my childhood, so I found someone just like him, but at 22 I broke the cycle!!  It can be done, so set an example to your future children and do the right thing!  Smile

Post # 99
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This sounds so familiar. My ex and I were married for 15 years! He had me so brainwashed, it was ridiculous. My self esteem was low, and he took advantage of it. I am 50 years old now, and can tell you, that your situation is probably not going to change. People DO NOT change that drastically unless they hit some sort of rock bottom.

My ex was all about the money. Stingy, selfish, and manipulative, but said all the right things to distort everything into being “my fault”. Since I had been in a failed marriage before, I believed him.

Same things … he never helped around the house, he had “his bills” (2), and I had all the rest .. PLUS working, and raising 3 children (1 was ours). He always criticized me for not keeping the house clean enough, not making 3 healthy meals per day, not raising the kids right, not making enough money .. etc .. etc .. And to top it off, his family sided with him!

I was working full time, carting the kids around, doing any cleaning that got done, and homeschooling 2 of the kids!

It was a horrible situation, and I wasted 15 years and a lot of heartache, thinking it would change. He refused to go back to counseling (because the counselor saw through his manipulation). Since we had a child together, it made it all way worse. He would constantly belittle me in front of her, making her not respect my decisions.

When we divorced, he was so set on not paying any child support, that he first tried to convince our daughter to live with him. When she said she didn’t want to, he got angry at her, and dumped her off in the driveway of my house (she was 10, and I was at work), telling her that he didn’t want her anymore!! He then fled the country for 2 years.

When he came back, he kidnapped our daughter, and took her out of state! He then spent a year in jail for the kidnapping. When he got out, he and his family took me to court, trying to get custody of her! This caused so much grief, has completely screwed up our daughter’s psyche, and cost so much money I did not have.

He and his Mommy have spend 10s of thousands on legal fees, just to not pay child support! Wow.

He has still, to this day, never paid a dime, and is now back in jail (going on another year) for child abandonment. 

He is finally paying for his actions, but has left so much damage. I lost my car, my business, our home. I had to file bankruptcy in order to get rid of some accounts he had set up in my name and not paid. We had to rely on charity several times. I went back to school, and now owe so much money in student loans. I am also still paying the lawyers!

These manipulators say what you want to hear, and make you think you’re wrong. They’ve been doing it all of their lives, in order to get their own way, so they are really good at it.

From reading your posts, you are NOT wrong. I’m sure you have contributed to the arguments .. who wouldn’t?? I read some exact quotations in your post, that was verbatim what my ex said to me.

Please don’t waste 15 years of your life on something that will most likely not change, and especially do not bring children into this situation!! 

Find someone who loves you for what you are!! He is out there!!

Cut your losses, and be happy!

Post # 100
Member
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

View original reply
@ItWasntMe:  “you need MORE ‘Than a little help’….you need a fresh start and a life away from this man you call your husband.”

There’s a lot more I could say, but others have already covered it; so I’ll just say, leave him. This is not a “rough patch,” this is a person with deep-seated beliefs that disrespect and marginalize you. Counseling, even if he hadn’t already refused to consider it, will not change this. Nothing will change him. You deserve respect, support, and an equal partner; not someone who belittles you and treats you like an unpaid housekeeper.

Post # 101
Member
21 posts
Newbee

I couldn’t even read everyone’s responses I was so busy scrolling down to the bottom to comment. First of all LEAVE and get an annulment or divorce. Your husband is not just acting that way because he is under stress. he is acting that way because that is his basic nature. He doesn’t hold woen in high regard and he is a male chauvinist. He holds no respect for you as a oerson (white trash) or as a woman. This will not improve it will only get worse. This is ingrained in him, in his thought processes, his attitudes, and his belief system.

Secondly he is abusive and this will only get worse. It starts verbally which affects you emotionally and mentally and most times progresses to physical.

 

Third. I have nothing against prenups but you can bet he had you sign one to protect him and he could give a darn about you and your financial situation, His only concern would be that you keep bringing money into the house. It is apparent in the fact that he has you pay him rent. What kind of s**t is that!!!!  You have have to be the fool he is taking you for to build a new house on HIS property and you will be responsible for paying for it., especially without a hange to the prenup. You will be building HIM a house!!  Please leave before you are damaged and/or destroyed emotional and pursue your dreams to be a physician. I am saying this point blank because I know 1st hand. I have been there. I am 48 and went through almost the same thing. I didn’t leave until we had children and I could see they were being destroyed too. I always thought if wehad enough counseling, prayer, love, time, etc. he would see the light and change. PLEASE DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME AND ENERGY. LIFE IS TOO SHORT. GET OUT NOW. YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND BE AHPPY WITHOUT HIM. 

Post # 102
Member
802 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I know I already commented but I can’t ETA so I thought of one more thing to take into consideration.

If you were injured in an accident or came down with a serious illness, does this sound like a man who will love you for better or worse, in sickness and in health? Is he going to accept you not contributing at all because you are unable to?

If not, is that what you want in a husband and partner? None of us want to think that it could happen to us, but it’s a possibility, and one of the advantages of marriage is that you have a partner who loves you and will care for you should you need it; your parents would do it, your friends would do it, your husband has VOWED to do it. Do you think he would step up should the unthinkable happen, or would he blame you for not pulling your weight and divorce you, leaving you with nothing thanks to the prenup?

Post # 103
Member
780 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Original Poster-

I normally don’t respond to these messages.  Your post however, reminded me of my 1st marriage.

I was married for nine years to a person that ultimately used words to belittle and harm me.  We had (what I thought was) a mutual plan before getting married (like you, I was in school), however several years into the marriage, he minimized my status as a graduate student (though I helped pay many of the bills) and started to complain about my housekeeping skills (as if I was the only person in the home).  He began to make sexist comments and seemed to take pleasure in pointing out my deficiencies rather than celebrating my strengths or looking at ways he could improve himself. When I started to speak up for myself, the name calling started.  At first I was just ‘wrong’ or ‘ignorant’ or ‘lazy.’   Later, I became ‘trash’ and a ‘bitch.’ He would hurl these terrible things at me in our room and then wonder why I wasn’t loving up on him the next day… When his nasty words didn’t break me, he began threatening to hit me… and it escalated from there…

How far did it get you might wonder?  For me, it was a push.  A shove into the wall.  Him in my face, telling me what a worthless piece of trash I was…  Me looking over his shoulder and seeing our son- aged 6 at the time- sitting in silence with tears in his eyes…. 

That was the last day my now ex- put his hands on me.  After a divorce,six years of family counseling, tons of support and court intervention, my sons and I are healthy and strong.  My kids are in a safe and loving home.  I have earned my Ph.D. and earn twice as much as my ex.  I have found love again and am so excited to be marrying my best friend- a man who in 4 years has never, ever, ever called me out of my name or threated me.

Whatever you choose- know this:  You are strong, smart and lovely.  You are amazing!  You deserve to be happy and respected.  You deserve to be fulfilled in your mate. 

PM me if you would ever like to talk.

Hugs,

Keisha

   

 

 

Post # 104
Member
630 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Agree that he’s a douchebag and you are right to leave him.

But, I just gotta say, he probably sheds as much as you do, you just don’t find his hair as much because it’s shorter!

Post # 105
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

He is a verbal abuser. “Need to know your place” and “feminist crap” and (omg)”white trash” is unacceptable for anyone to say or have to hear, esp. husband to wife. Even if you slam doors or act huffy, you do not abuse him.

I know that marriages take work, and I also don’t think highly of divorce, but this is an exception. You are married to an abusive manipulator. You are studying and helping to pay for the household-and even his insurance! You deserve better.

Like others have said, I would get out before you start contributing to a new house, and esp. before you have kids. If you had children who saw the way your husband treated you and thought that it was “normal” or “okay,” that would be a tragedy.

Again, I want you to KNOW that you DESERVE better.

Post # 106
Member
720 posts
Busy bee

Run.  Drive.  Leave skid marks.  

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