(Closed) Longtime Friend Declines Invite

posted 4 years ago in Guests
Post # 2
Member
3228 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Maybe she’s falling on financial hard times. 

Post # 3
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee

If someone declines an invitation due to cost that is fair enough bit I agree to do so immediately suggests she didn’t even look into the cost of whether she could make it work. I might be offended by that too. 

Post # 4
Member
10282 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

If she knew you were engaged she might have looked into costs before you told her the date. Or she knows she can’t take the vacation time. Or she just knows how much hotels/flights can cost in general and didn’t need to do extensive searching to know she couldn’t make it. When you are on a tight budget a lot of the time you know when you can’t make something work without needing to do the research.

Just because both her and her husband have decent jobs doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling financially. Just because you believe she can make it happen doesn’t make it true no matter how firmly you believe it.

Post # 5
Member
636 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

Honestly, I think you’re being a bit harsh. You admit that she’s not sharing a lot with you these days, so I take it it’s a real possibility that you wouldn’t really know her actual financial situation. Having a good job doesn’t mean you have money.

I’ve had to miss many, many weddings of good and even best friends because of my finances. As my wedding day approaches, I’ve decided not to take any declines personally because I’ve been there too. I don’t want anyone to choose between putting themselves into debt or even giving up something else they’ve been saving for (like a big trip or a new car) and being there on my day.

It’s an honor to have anyone at your wedding. Of course you want certain people there, but you have to be aware of what it takes. $250 a night + travel time and expenses is not easy for a lot of people. Will the day really be drastically changed without her there? I think you’re taking all of this way too personally.

As for you not feeling that the relationship is recipricated as far as the efforts you put into it vs. her- That may be fair. I would keep in mind not everyone has the same idea of what is required of a friend. Maybe instead of conciously distancing herself from you she’s simply not on your page as far as what her and your idea of friendship is? Maybe she’s just busy? And maybe you two have just drifted apart. A lot changes over time. There’s nothing wrong with letting a friendship go. It doesn’t mean you have to burn a bridge. It just means you’re moving in different directions. Personally, I don’t think it’s worth the drama of turning it into a big thing.

Post # 6
Member
355 posts
Helper bee

You don’t know her financial situation. Her and her husband may have good jobs, but they also may have overextended themselves. Your friend may already be worried about money, therefore she would know immediately she can’t afford it. 

I know if i was invited to an out of town wedding within the next year, DH & I would immediately know we have to decline, because for the next year and a half to two years we will be on a very tight budget. This would not make sense to someone if they invited us a month ago, because no one knew at that time that we are pregnant. 

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neverthoughtit12 :  

Post # 7
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

Seems like she has already scaled back or ended the friendship and is waiting for you to get the message, so I don’t see the point of contacting her again. I know if I was going to decline a wedding of a friend I would at least act like I looked in to it and act sorry that I couldn’t come. She didn’t even bother to pretend to care, which is hurtful. 

Post # 7
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with PP’S that you’re being too harsh. Since she already committed to the other wedding, she probably knows what the costs are associated with that. And knows that another trip for a wedding just isn’t going to work financially. Most people on a tight budget do that all the time. You know the numbers in your head. Just because they have “decent ” jobs doesn’t mean they have lots of money floating around. I have a decent job too, to the outside world. But in reality I don’t get paid well.

Post # 8
Member
9251 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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neverthoughtit12 :  So you think you know her finances better than her? Honestly it sound like she would have been in a no win situation with you regardless of if she paused to tell you the news or not. I mean what difference does it make if she told you on the spot or a day later, if she knows she can’t afford it then she can’t afford it. I think you are looking for excuses to be mad at her since you are more invested in the friendship than she is.

Post # 9
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Yeah I had one of my core group best friends from high school decline my invite for financial reasons. This was absolutely fine with me until I found out that one week before my wedding she went on a vacation to San Francisco with her boyfriend. My save the date went out a year in advance, so I doubt the vacation was all planned and paid for. My mantra for whether or not people were going to attend was if they want to be there, they will be there. There is no point stressing over something essentially out of your control. 

Post # 10
Member
1759 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Malibou Lake Mountain Club

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neverthoughtit12 :  my closest friend since Middle school was unable to make it to our wedding. Finances would have been tough. She lives up North, hours away. and i know (without giving too much info), it wouldnt have been fair for her to spend so much money (travel, gas/fligh, stay, etc). I love her, and i know she loves me. but sometimes things happen. 

Post # 11
Member
10282 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

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piperpoppy :  Sorry to be harsh but when brides say “If they wanted to be there they would be there” it’s just stupid. People have thier own lives happening and sometimes even if they really want to be somewhere they can’t. We don’t live in make-believe fairytale land where wishing makes things come true. Get a grip on reality – sometimes shit just doesn’t work out the way you want it to.

Post # 12
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

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neverthoughtit12 :  why wasn’t she asked to be your Bridesmaid or Best Man or Maid/Matron of Honor if she’s your ultimate BFF?

Post # 13
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

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hikingbride :  Yeah I’m fully aware there is a difference between not wanting to be there and not being able to be there. I’m not stupid as you so eloquently put it. I think the example I gave was a pretty clear example of a choice, and the OP made it sound like her friend is making the choice to not make an effort to see her. Regardless of whether her perception is the truth, maybe you should have paid attention to the part where I said she shouldn’t stress about something out of her control, which applies to her friend either not being able to make it due to financial reasons or personal choice. Why don’t you get off your high horse and refrain from insulting my awareness of reality.

 

Post # 14
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

That is a very long trip, plus accommodation, food, wedding attire, etc, the costs add up. If she’s already made a budget to be able to attend one wedding at the cost of having to turn down others, I think that is fair enough. Nothing here sounds malicious to me, it honestly just sounds like they’ve sunk their money into something else and cannot afford all the costs to come to another wedding so far from home.

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