Post # 1
My boyfriend is in nursing school and works part-time as an EMT. He’s also helping support his parents and feels very responsible for them, so needless to say he’s beyond spread thin and stressed out right now. I’ve been trying my best to be supportive and be ok with not seeing or even talking to him much these past several months. I’ve always been extremely independent and have my own life, friends, and interests. That said, I do like to be reassured every now and then that I’m still wanted and not just a backburner girlfriend. Last night was one of those times. I admittedly went about it all wrong–on text (strike 1) and the night before he had a big test (strike 2). It was truly as simple as do you still like me and want to be with me? Rather than just reply yes, it completely spiraled and got pretty nasty. He’s back-pedaled things a bit, but I’m still reeling from some of the shit he said. I know he didn’t mean it, but it still sucks that he even resorted to that. It felt very high school and not like a man who claims to want to marry me. Should I just chalk this up to his stress and my poor timing, or is this a possible warning sign of how he deals with things?
Post # 2
You picked probably the worst way and time to ask him that. Don’t blame him for snapping at you. Not that it was ok for him to get upset and say hurtful things, but it is completely understandable.
He was busy studying for something very important, nursing school is NOT easy, and you decided it was a good time to be like “babe do you still like me????” Not a great move on your part.
Give him a break on this one. He was right to be at least annoyed.
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2019 - Canada
I thnk we need much more information about the exchange to be able to give you some advice about this.
Post # 5
While his reaction was over the top… I also think your timing was bad and the question is quite juvenile. Perhaps a better way to go about it would have been “Good luck on your test, miss you” via text and you may have gotten your affirmation with his response to that rather than asking ‘do you still like me’
Post # 6
this. It really depends what he said. Your text was really poorly timed and comes off as making his exam season all about you, so honestly I’d forgive him for saying certain things in response like “its not fucking about you when I study for an exam”. But still, he doesn’t have a carte blanche to say things about/to you just because you have insecurities.
That said.. do you often find yourself anxious about whether he likes you or not? If so, does it often coincide with when he’s busy with school, or is it just a general feeling you have. Finally, have you had this issue with past exes?
Post # 7
How long have you even been together? How little is he seeing you? What did he say?
And yeah that was pretty poor timing on your part, and poorly handled. That’s a pretty insecure/needy text coming in when someone is under time pressure.
Post # 8
It felt very high school
Obviously we have no idea what he said, only hearing your side of the story but you think HE sounded high school?
do you still like me and want to be with me?
That is pretty high school. I would be frustrated trying to give someone constant validation as well. His reaction seems over the top, but its sounds like he is super stressed =\ Hard to say if its justified since you don’t say what he said.
Post # 9
You know you were in the wrong and acted like a grade school girl. You were the one who took it the high school level.
Post # 10
Cliffs notes version: At first he said yes and asked why. I replied that I’d been trying my best to be supportive but was feeling a little beat down and could use a little encouragement. He said it’s not that he doesn’t want to see me and wish I wouldn’t think that. Then he said it wasn’t the best time, and I said ok sorry. Then he said maybe it’s me that doesn’t love him and am just looking for reasons to get out (completely false). Then I said just forget it, it felt like he was just turning it around on me, and told him he had other things to focus on. He said that was a cop out and I was playing victim. And then it just spiraled from there. He said I ruined his day and to stop talking to him (but then continued texting me) and said he guessed we weren’t going to the wedding together this weekend or on the roadtrip the week after. He called me a coward and a spoiled child. Then launched into how everything is riding on him, and if he doesn’t succeed he’ll be a failure and won’t be able to help out his parents or support a future family. Then a little later he walked it back and said he knows I’m upset, and so is he, and he didn’t really mean what he said. He said he does really care and is so sorry I haven’t felt that way lately.
Post # 11
It sounds like he’s feeling a lot of pressure and you got him at a bad time. I don’t blame him for not reacting well to your text.
However, when we name-call during fights it’s usually coming from a place of truth. So it’s likely that he does think you are a coward and a spoiled child.
What’s the deal with his relationship with his parents though? Are you comfortable with that dynamic?
Post # 12
It sounds like he’s under a ton of pressure bee and ready to snap under the weight of it. I am glad he reassured you that he loves you. The things he said after were harsh, but I would probably give him a pass due to all the pressure he’s under.
Your takeaway from this should be: do not instigate heavy relationship talks via text, EVER, and do not instigate such a convo ever on the night before your partner has some super stressful thing going on. If you’re feeling unloved in the relationship, that deserves to be addressed, but there’s a mature way to have that discussion (i.e., in person, during a calm moment), and you totally failed on that count.
Post # 13
That’s fair. Lesson learned for sure! :/
Post # 14
tiffanybruiser : ALL OF THIS. OP, this is perfect advice, listen to this.
Post # 15
No, no the way he spoke to you is NOT ok! That’s a really bad sign for things to come. When he turned it around on you = that’s gaslighting. And when he told you to stop texting him yet he continued texting and harassing you= that’s abusive. You don’t deserve this. Hes obviously taking you granted, you are not a priority to him right now and he thinks he can treat you like crap while he focuses on everything else. Yes school and work and helping parents is stressful, but that’s life. Life will always be stressful (especially as a nurse) and it’s not ok for him to take it out on you, you are not a punching bag! It’s normal for someone being neglected to need a little reassurance. This realtionship is not equal, what are you getting out of it? He is using you for support and giving nothing in return. My advice is to let him go, he can get his life together, and then catch back up with you to maybe try dating again when timing is better.