Post # 1
I got married a year ago and the past year has been a happy one for my husband and I. One of my closest friends is about to get married and I find myself looking back on my own wedding and criticizing it. At the time, money was tight so we opted for a small wedding and not an enormous party. There was also an issue with a no show vendor which had a major impact on the reception. Everyone told me I would laugh about it later, but I’m still not laughing about it and still find myself traumatized. I am a HUGE people pleaser so I analyze every detail in my head wondering if people who came to my wedding only think about the negative. When I think of my wedding the first thing that pops in my head is what went wrong.
There are some things that my friend is doing for her wedding which I didn’t do for mine and I find myself looking back and wishing I would have thought of those things and made some different decisions. Also, every other wedding I see is perfect in my mind compared to my own wedding. It’s something that I’m finding really hard to let go because I’m still looking for some resolve regarding my wedding. Has anyone else dealt with this though pattern? Any advice so I can stop making myself miserable with these thoughts?
Post # 2
You’re traumatised? Is that not an over-exaggeration? Your wedding gives you nightmares? You’re in extensive counselling over what happened? You feel upset, severe anxiety at the thought of going to other weddings? That’s what traumatised is.
So that being said, of course all the other weddings look perfect. They aren’t yours! You didn’t do the planning for them, you didn’t work out all the specifics you only saw what was presented to you, you didn’t see the differences from the couples vision to what was reality. In the same way people didn’t see the many things go wrong at yours. Ok you had a vendor no show and that was probably obvious but all the crap you’re obsessing about do you really think people noticed those?
Why are are you obsessing about this? You’ve had a happy first year of marriage, not everyone is as lucky as you are. They might have had nicer weddings but the key is the nice marriage – which you have. If you can’t realise that after a year of marriage then it doesn’t matter what we say here it still won’t help you.
Post # 3
Do you usually do this? Hanging on to negative thoughts I mean, because if so, you probably should do something about that, either self help or therapeutic interention of some sort , it will poison your life if you continue unchecked .
If is is just about the wedding , well I dunno- it sounds really OTT to be talking – a YEAR later – about ‘looking for resolve ‘ and being ‘traumatised’ because of some things you could have done better or things you imagine you did less well than friends. I don’t think this is about people pleasing , but about insecurity and envy of others .
Failing getting some help . I would suggest maybe REBT – http://study.com/academy/lesson/rational-emotive-therapy-definition-techniques-examples.html with this kind of damaging thinking ,maybe you could do vow renewals or something if you think you would feel better if you could publically shine in this way. Does your husband know how you feel about your wedding to him btw?
Post # 4
n710518 : Well first off every wedding is going to look “prefect” because you don’t know what is supposed to actually happen. I see many PP’s posting about their upset, bad taste in their mouth wedding’s because things didn’t go the way they wanted it to. I don’t understand why it would be such a big deal unless the bride/groom was passed out drunk on the dance floor and couldn’t say their vows or partake in the celebration.
1. My limo was 45mins late, I was late, my husband was late.
2. The best man hated my guts, again didn’t really care.
3. DJ messed up the music for the entrance (didn’t notice till i watched the wedding video)
4. The priest butchered my new last name…..
That’s just the most minimal things that went wrong; but in the end my wedding was the happiest day of my life. I married the love of my life and best friend & I did things I could afford!
Best of Luck!
Post # 5
Other weddings are 100% never perfect!! And your friend’s wedding won’t be perfect either! That’s like looking at FaceBook and going “wow, everyone else really ahs their life together” – it’s a dangerous rabbit hole.
A no-show vendor is a tough thing to bounce back from. But freinds and family aren’t judging you for it. If you had gone to a wedding and that couple had had the same problem, would you hold it against them? Of course not! You’d be happy about their celebration! I think you’re being your own worst enemy.
As for small wedding and money… well I wanted a small wedding and Darling Husband wanted a big party. We ended up somewhere in between. Based on national averages our wedding was average or a tad cheap – but based on our fincances, it was a stretch. We spent ALL of our savings. It was really scary coming home from a honeymoon to an empty bank account. I’ve definately taken several months to calm down about the expence of it all. In hind sight I love my wedding! I’m glad that we compromised! But I’m working on letting go of the price tag.
You need to find something good about your wedding, and focuson that memory. Not only did you marry a good guy, but surely 1 part of the day itself felt special? So make that the main memory.
Post # 6
I will say one thing:
Comparison is the thief of joy
Post # 7
I know what you mean. I think you have looked at way too many magazines, pininterest whatever and got this idea in your head everything has to be perfect.
I am a mess stressing out before my big day too. I over analyse, i second guess every SINGLE decision. Its insane.
Being a people pleaser doesnt help because this is meant to be about you but you are so used to pleasing everyone else you dont know what makes you happy! start looking forward and focus your energy on other things that you werent able to do when you were planning your wedding. Enjoy this period in your life. get out doors. Gardent whatever.
Do you suffer from anxiety? Sounds like you might. Put the photo up on the wall and move forward you have your whole life ahead now. Eventually you will look back and it wont bother you.
Post # 8
n710518 : Haven’t had my wedding yet, but I feel you. I’m a people-pleaser too, and already I’m worrying about all kinds of things, how people will perceive it, etc. FI’s sister had a very fancy, unique wedding . . . and I know ours will not be as fancy. I worry about being compared for that.
MeandMyLouboutins : said it best. Don’t compare to anyone else. Also, the other Bees are right: no one scrutinizes your wedding as much as you do! Everyone was happy to be there, to see you get married, and to party with you. Remember, for you, the spotlight was on everything that went wrong. Your guests didn’t have that same spotlight, weren’t focused the way you were.
Harder said than done: But try not to compare. Maybe host a dinner party or help out with your friend’s bridal shower? That way you can get involved, and also put some new party-hosting ideas to good use. We all have those moments that pop into our heads and keep us up at night (“Remember that time you said X to Y in third grade? Yeah, you were really awkward and that was terrible.) . . . but it doesn’t do any good to dwell on them.
Post # 9
MeandMyLouboutins : beautifully said! I think I’m going to steal this as my new saying
Post # 10
First party I threw in college I thought jello shots were made by replacing all the water in the recipe with vodka. That is not how jello shots are made, but it’s a great way to make something that tastes like congealed cough medicine. Everyone who ate one spit it out. 10+ years later I still think back on it and laugh.
Don’t look at your wedding as this be-all-end-all picture-perfect “best day of my life” moment. Look at your wedding as just another party, and look at all the things that went wrong as individual flavor that’s unique to your experience. Have you ever heard anyone, ever, tell an awesome story that starts with “so everything went exactly according to plan”? It’s the stuff that goes wrong that makes life exciting 🙂
Post # 11
I doubt anyone has a perfect wedding. I know i didn’t! We had a very small wedding, so you’d think it would be fairly easy to keep under control – but no!
My uncle was supposed to film it – but forgot the camera back at his house – so had to drive back an hour to get it. He had to get dressed in the car on the highway and got pulled over for public nudity. We had to start the wedding 1/2 hour late – but didn’t explain to the crowd the reason.
It was an outdoor garden wedding – but it rained for the week before. We hadn’t planned for tent – so had it kept raining I have no idea what we would have done. The grass was so wet my high heels sank right in. Walking down the aisle was horrible because I had to yank my heels out with each step. In all the photos you see I’m leaning back at a weird angle.
Thats just a few – there were more – but it’s just to point out we all have things happen differently than we see the grand plan in our heads.
Even if you’re a bridezilla planning everything down to the minute – things still go wrong. There are other people involved – and each person comes with their own ideas of how to do things. Things break down (music, loudspeaker, car). You can’t control everything – and the bigger you’re wedding is, the less you can control.
Instead of being upset by all that went wrong – consider all that went right! You managed to pull together a big group of people at the same time, and had the dress, tuxes, music, food all turn out ok. If a vendor made a mistake people will understand it wasn’t your fault.
I’m sure if you asked other people about the best things at your wedding, they would talk about the beautiful dress, or how the vows made them cry.
Post # 12
People-pleasing is not about micro managing and striving over some idea of perfetction as OP and a couple of pps seem to think. People -pleasing is doing stuff to please others regardless of what the pleaser really wants.
Neither of them are a good thing, of course, but I think being a micromanager and calling it people pleasing is kind of avoiding the issue- which is that you are never going to be satisfied with anything unless you ork on having more sensible and self-focussed expectations
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom
I look back on my wedding and cringe sometimes too. My biggest reason was not so much the wedding itself, but I had a bridesmaid I REALLY should have fired before the wedding. I have talked about her in length before, but to summarize she kinda went out of her way to ruin my day and was generally terrible to me. Literally the last time I ever saw her was my wedding day. She even avoided me the whole reception and got really drunk and by 8pm was so sloppy she was taken to her hotel room. She didn’t even say goodbye. It was at 9pm her husband (the best man I may add…who Darling Husband had been having issues with as well but that is another story) came down from their room to inform us what had happened. I never saw or spoke to her again. The friendship we had with her husband (obviously) deterioriated shortly after that as well.
I got married coming up a year ago and I STILL can’t look at photos with her in them without feeling a pang of anger and sadness!
Post # 14
n710518 : You’re not the only one to do things like that. Every woman I know makes comments here and there on things they wish they did differently with their weddings, and one was in 1968!
When I had my first wedding (husband and I have renewals, most will be just us and a few people) a relative of mine that had married months before actually excused her self and got weepy because there were things she was so dissapointed on her wedding. Wished she had done some things more like mine. Just feel how you feel, it’s ok. Just about everyone does it, but not all admit it.