(Closed) Looking for advice….

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Whoa, for him to compare you to his ex is waaaaaaaaaaaay out of line!  I’d have blown a gasket over that!!!  I think it’s time to sit down and set some ground rules.  I think everyone has certain things that set them off or make them angry instantly.  You and your Fiance should have a calm conversation about what’s crossing the line and what topics are not okay to bring into an argument.  That way, nobody can claim they didn’t know or didn’t realize they were crossing the line.  If he purposefully continues to do this during your arguments, then he’s disrespecting you and your relationship with him, which is a bigger problem.  

Now since you mention you have a history with anger problems, make sure you are also respecting where the line is drawn.  

Post # 4
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

WHOOOAA…. he is way out of line for that! Not to bring it up again, but to say she is a lady?????  When you are his fi? That is so disrespectful! I have been the talk of the town before, so I know what it feels like… he should not allow that to even hppen! That is a terrible feeling. This just makes my blood boil for some reason! So sorry for your ordeal!  Frown

Post # 5
Member
2126 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@wdrake_98:  waiiiitt a minute girly….I know you are NOT blaming all this ony our little temper are you? He was extremely out of line!!! That was just a hurful, aweful thing to say and he owes you a serious, serious apology. I’m not sure how exactly you handled that…but you had every right to be angry and hurt by what he said.

Also, I really hope friend X is out of the picture by now because nothing good can come of that type of silent competition. There’s no shame in just deciding not to be her friend anymore (hope you know that). 

As for advice on what to do tonight…finish cooling off and give him a chance to apologize…and boy I hope he has a good aplogy! Depending how far you went with your angery you might owe him one too…if you did some name calling or below the belt comments you might want to say you apologieze for acting that way, but you can NOT having him speaking to you as if you have no feelings.

I do the same thing with my Fiance if I feel like he’s kinda being a slug…I kinda nag when I could just ask politley for help…the nagging or critizizing one another is what’s going to trigger foul comments…not htat this is your fault, at all.

Post # 8
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I always think that calm communication is the best way to resolve any issue. However both parties have to be up for it and your Fiance sounds like he’s being an ass. He was not blameless. His comment was callous and possibly aimed at provoking you because you were getting at him for being lazy.

If I were you, I’d remember that you’re not in the wrong, you’ve apologised and done everything you’re supposed to to recitfy the situation. Now back off. He needs to realise there are consequences to actions. You did it, so should he.

 

Post # 9
Member
2815 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Wow, I don’t blame you for being livid!  It sounds like this “friend” is a conniving little %&#@$!

Post # 10
Member
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@wdrake_98:  As long as you are the one yelling and carrying on you will continue to be cast as the bad guy in the fight–what he said was wrong, but that got lost in the chaos of the fight and  now HE gets to play the victim

I would wait until things are cooled down to talk about this calmly–it is not ok to compare you to his ex, if she’s such a lady he should just marry her. He’s marrying you, and if he wants his life to be pleasant and as drama-free as possible he should learn not to say such stupid things

Post # 12
Member
6123 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am so sorry to hear this.  It doesn’t sound like you two have a method for fighting fairly.

 

Have you considered counseling?  Even if you’re going alone?  I cannot imagine my Fiance saying something intentionally to hurt me, but I sure can envision my ex saying stuff like that (he was good at it). 

Post # 13
Member
12 posts
Newbee

@sylvia.riggle:  I had to go into my annonimous account to write this out. I totally agree with you. I have the same problem as the OP. It becomes the attitude I have when stuff is said and stops being about WHAT exactly has been said. I’ve been in therapy for months and it is HARD going when someone says something so immensely annoying and you are expected to take it like it is not a big deal or to be calm about it or to not defend yourself in the midst of this ‘attack’. I honestly don’t have any advice for you since I am still dealing with my own problems. Even my therapist told me that we have totally dug in our heels into the way we deal with each other. He says something hurtful, I lash out. The cycle continues.

@sienna76: The thing is, I don’t think her Darling Husband is INTENTIONALLY trying to hurt her. But it’s just that sometimes some folks can be uncaring and hurtful in what they say without thinking things out and we lash out without taking a minute to think about what was just said.

Post # 14
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

A gentleman would never let a lady bring in all the damn food while he sat on his ass and watched her do it.

Post # 16
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@wdrake_98:  Haha. I hope that I didn’t offend you by saying it that way. I just thought that your annoyance was totally legit, and that for him to compare you to a friend/old girlfriend was way over the line.

My relationship (and I know that others have other preferences) is not super traditional along gender lines either, so telling me that I wasn’t a “good woman” because I wasn’t serving him would send me off into the stratosphere for a number of reasons. “I man. you woman” would be a dealbreaker over here. Regardless, it doesn’t matter how “nicely” he’s saying something if what he’s saying is unacceptable. For me, that would be unacceptable. And it sounds like you didn’t like it too much either!

In short: you’ll need to handle it how you want to handle it. And if you think that ignoring his moods will enable you to problem-solve better, then that’s good. But DON’T get yourself to the point where you’re walking on eggshells, and DON’T try to put your personality in a little box to make it work. He’s got some work to do too, and it’s OK to let him know that.

 

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