Post # 1
Want advice on discussing timing with my Darling Husband for TTC.
My Darling Husband has been helping me be down to earth about timing for when we got married (making sure we were financially stable) and both stable at work before we got engaged. We’ve just celebrated our 1st year wedding anniversary, traveled a lot in the past year and he says he wants to continue to travel before TTC/having children.
Part of me wants to have a set plan so that the timing doesnt move further out, considering we’re still renting and would want to buy a house, then start TTC.But I also want him to want to start talking about a timeline bc I want him to be engaged in the process, instead of me brining it up for the 2nd/3rd time. I’ll bring up subtle hints about how much money he wants to save by the end of the year and I’ll throw in..”preparing for our future family”. As I type this though, I recognize over and over that its usually him driving the bus on timing for everything, even though it works out well when both people are invested and agree like our wedding date/waiting so many years to get married.
Also, what do you recommend reading/doing differently when considering TTC. Vitamins/ food/ reading literature about pregnancy/ TTC?
Advice is welcome.
Post # 2
Subtle hints rarely communicate how we want them to.
I would just ask him when does he think you will buy a house, when would he like to start trying for children, and hopefully that will open the conversation.
You should start prenatal vitamins 3 months before ttc. Try to eat healthily but apart from prenatals I didnt do anything specific.
Post # 3
he’s your husband. you should be able to talk to him about anything.
if you can’t talk about this topic, maybe you aren’t ready yet.
Post # 4
I wouldn’t ask him what his answers are because that puts the ball entirely in his court and gives the impression that he gets to set the timeline for everything (which it sounds like he may have done for the engagement/wedding?). You’re partners. I’d inform him that you’d like to have a serious conversation about setting a mutually agreed upon timeline for house hunting and starting a family. That way you can come to the table as equals, each with your own ideas. It’s always better to be straight with someone and have them do the same for you, especially with major life decisions.
Post # 5
longrelationship14 : he’s your husband – just be blunt. We don’t use birth control (needed IVF for the first kid) but we expect to need to use our frozen embryos so the timing of that appointment was a discussion. We had a long talk about the budget, other goals, our ages, our daughter’s age, and what we want to do and when. But I want a baby now. I’m ready for round 2. And chosing to have a baby is half pracitical half emotional. I laid out my argument/plan for how we can make it work on the practical side. After all was said and done I just flat out said “I want a baby and I don’t want the risks of being pregnant in my late 30s”. He slept on it and the next day told me to make the appointment. If I had hinted and tiptoed around it we wouldn’t have made any progress. Just talk to the man!
Post # 6
Agree, I started the conversation about my wants: starting early, being in our early 30s when having our first, having a home/family support, at a time that our parents are still well so our kids can know their grandparents and of course, being financially stable. This was definitely the first step.
His male colleague’s wife is expecting and I realize it has put things into perspective for him and he will make comments of what they do that he would not do. On the other hand, his female colleague has “waited until shes in her early 40s” and now shes pregnant. It could all well be that she’s been doing IVF and he has no idea. I mentioned this and it also changed the way he talks about it because he realizes she would come into work late often from “doctor’s appts”. I’m making assumptions about her situation given the details I have but its good for him to realize its not easy for any/everyone.
Thanks bees- I’m going to be straight forward about a timeline for savings, buying a home and TTC.
Post # 7
longrelationship14 : also don’t be afraid to switch up the order of things. Babies don’t care if you rent or own so long as they have a warm safe home. My husband and I want a vacation/income property and that was part of our discussion. He wanted the second house first and I don’t care either way. It will take us at least 3 years to save up the downpayment and while the income would be helpful I’m not willing to wait 3 more years especially since we have fertility issues. We both have the same goals – house and baby – but we had to really be practical about the order and for us baby first makes a lot more sense. It will probably mean the house gets pushed out on our life timeline, but I’d rather wait until I’m 40 to buy another house than wait until I’m 40 to be pushing out another kid!
Post # 8
I agree with being straightforward, but also don’t feel like you have to figure all this out in one conversation. For us, it was a series of conversations over a period of years before we were both ready. I realized I was ready before the time frame we’d originally agreed on, so I just mentioned that to my husband and was like “Fyi I’m ready now, and here’s why. I don’t wanna pressure you if you’re not there yet but wanted to let you know where my head was.” I then dropped it to give him time to process this info on his own and figure out what he wanted. A couple months later he said he was ready too, and we started trying.
Post # 9
longrelationship14 : Prenatals 3 months before TTC! And I agree with the other comments that you should be able to openly discuss it. If you have a time line together it’ll help you to both be on the same page!
Post # 10
I will say this, men do not get subtle hints. You need to openly say how you feel and give him ample time to process it. Give him space and eventually he will tell you how he feels. I totally get where you are coming from and the best thing is to get it off your chest and work out a plan together. Good luck!!
Post # 11
longrelationship14 : Some good advice I got, actually back when I was a “Waiting Bee”, was from someone who said — men do better if they have a timeline. So, ask your husband what are the goals that he wants to acheive. Maybe 1 more big trip. A house. A child. Maybe more than 1 child. Ask him how many years he sees between children. Then just count backwards, being mindful of your optimal childbearing years. That’s a lot of stuff to get done. Do you want to move when you’re pregnant? Do you want 2 kids under 2? Do you want to be travelling in your 1st or 3rd trimester? You know you can’t dictate or pressure him to be ready to start a family, but you can get him thinking about the long term and how much time each goal will take.
Post # 12
ajillity81 : True! thanks for being frank 🙂
Post # 13
swissbride : I got it off my chest and we discussed it without being subtle. thanks