Member- northernlights19
- 3 years ago
- Wedding: June 2016
Looking for some advice on my very complicated story….
<div dir=”auto”>I got married in the spring of 2016, we were both happy, and then we started to settle into life. That’s when things started to go downhill. I started to have a hard time with the way things were and the routine we were in so we started to become more distant. The romantic side of our relationship took a turn for the worst. We were arguing more, he was accusing me of cheating, but I was not – he just had a hard time with being talking to coworkers (i work in an all-male office)</div>
<div dir=”auto”>Fast forward to December, when we had a family trip… When we got there I was hoping that it could be a weekend that would put us on the right track, but unfortunately it did the opposite. The Friday night was probably one of the worst nights of my life. </div>
<div dir=”auto”> Getting back to the hotel – He was drunk. ‘Comepletely inhebriated’ as he says. When we got back to the hotel room he forced himself on me. (As I said, the romantic side of our relationship was suffering). Anyways, I was in pain, I was crying, and I was yelling at him to stop … but he didn’t. I asked him not to finish inside me (because I did not want a child conceived out of this type of relationship)… but he did anyways. When he was done I went and cried on the bathroom floor before getting in an argument with him until I passed out. That night changed my life. </div>
<div dir=”auto”> After that happened I pulled away, I distanced myself, and tried to overcome it… but I couldn’t. I kept having nightmares and I couldn’t look at him the same. I started to work more, and started kickboxing … I needed to be busy. </div>
<div dir=”auto”> This is something he told his parents recently, and they basically said it happens in every relationship, and I just have to get over it. It’s been a constant argument over the past year because we both have differing opinions on sex and marriage. </div>
<div dir=”auto”> So there I was, in pain and just needing to keep busy and move on… so I clung to friends. I started talking to my coworkers more, started hanging out with friends more because I needed people to talk to. </div>
<div dir=”auto”> I started talking to one person at work in particular because we always got along. We became really close friends and I began to trust him. I opened up and talked to him about things which is shocking because I never talk to anyone. </div>
<div dir=”auto”> Fast forward to July…. We had another family trip to the same place, and I was terrified to go back, but I did it and he came. That month I also got extra close with that friend from, and found out in August I was pregnant. </div>
<div dir=”auto”> September the pregnancy was terminated and I hated myself more than I ever have. </div>
<div dir=”auto”> After that day in September, I truly hit rock bottom … I’ve cried more than I ever have, I’ve hated myself more than I ever have .. and I began to feel suicidal. To the point where I started to self harm. </div>
<div dir=”auto”> This friend from work was with me every step, making sure I wasn’t doing anything bad and talking to me and carrying me through it all. In him I found what I’ve been missing in my marriage all along. Just someone that supports me, and cares about me the way I need it. Without cutting me down and telling me things that make me wish I wasn’t alive. Just a glimpse into how I need a marriage to be.</div>
<div dir=”auto”> This past winter, we were doing another trip to the same spot, but I told him l I didn’t want him to come because of last year.. we were going back to the same hotel at the same time in the year and I was scared. We got in a fight because he says that I’m overreacting, that I’m blackmailing him and that it’s not fair because he was drunk.</div>
<div dir=”auto”> We decided to be civil through the holidays as to not ruin anyone’s Christmas. And we started sleeping in separate bedrooms. After New Years, I said I still needed space and to figure it out. </div>
<div dir=”auto”> Friday, I said I wasn’t coming home and he freaked out. He went through my computer and found out what I haven’t been able to tell him yet … the incident that happened in September. Needless to say, we are in a very rough spot right now. </div>
<div dir=”auto”> I know what I’ve done is terrible and I know I’ll never be forgiven for the things I’ve done… I just hope one day I can be happy. I know it’s insane and it sounds like a movie… but it’s my life. I’m not proud of things I’ve done, but I know deep down we weren’t happy… and right now I’m just trying to get through this pain and find the light at the end of the tunnel because I’ve been wanting to disappear for far too long.
As of right now… I still want to try and work things out. I’m under the idea that we both hurt each other, and we can work through it. We have been in each other’s lives for the past 10 years now, and it is obvious that we still love each other. He is very close with his family, and they have all deleted me off social media, blocked me from their cell phones, and the only contact I have with him is through email – which I know isn’t him talking to me.
ANY advice or insight you can provide would be so helpful… I just wanted to work through this with him, but I think now that his family is in his head- it’ll never happen.</div>
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