(Closed) Looking for Advice – Marital Rape and Affair – But I want to make it work!

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

jannigirl :  100% agree.

If you don’t want to get intimate with your new husband anymore, something’s already wrong there. Him forcing himself on her was wrong. Her cheating was wrong. Obviously he feels hurt enough to completely cut ties at this point. I would be checking the mail for his divorce papers soon. Personally I feel like one instance of regretful drunken forceful sex within a marriage isn’t as bad as recurrent cheating, but we can all form our own opinions. 

Post # 17
Member
2794 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

travelingbee3 :  I’m sorry, are you suggesting the cheating is worse than rape?!

i think the way the OP described the rape makes it pretty clear that this was not a decision she made after any affair started. 

OP – leave, get support and NEVER look back. He raped you. No matter what you may have done, rape is NEVER ok. A husband has no right to force you to have sex!

Post # 18
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

It is extraordinarily difficult to salvage a relationship that involves one partner being being physically unfaithful OR being physically violent.  A combination of the two is so outrageously toxic that at this point, my advice is to wait to be served with divorce papers and then sign them. Period.

Can you explain to us why you would even want to stay? Because you just described something you viewed as rape, followed by a relationship with someone who made you realize “what your marriage was missing.”  I didn’t see anything in your story that would indicate that you had a desire to reconcile.

 

Post # 19
Member
1610 posts
Bumble bee

northernlights19 :  After reading this all I could think was… wow. That is a very broken relationship where a lot of wrongs have gone on there. 

By no means do I think cheating is ok but for me, the rape incident is far worse. And I can’t believe he hasn’t even bothered to acknowledge how bloody wrong what he did was! As well as acting like it’s a normal thing, when I think that’s one of the most vile things you can do to another person. This is not an acceptable thing in marriage! Drunk or not! He’s violated your body, your trust and then tried to make it sound like you ‘need to get over it’ because it’s the ‘norm’. No means no! That is vile and I don’t think it’s possible to come back from that point. And I think deep down you know this too because it’s been a significant amount of time and it’s still very present here, which is totally to be expected but shows it’s really not a easy thing to overcome. 

I think the cheating and all the actions afterwards was your way of ‘reacting’ to what has happened. After such a abusive act you wanted to be comforted and felt loved, which clearly couldn’t be happening if your husband did that to you. I don’t think it was the right way to go about it because I think you should’ve dumped his ass and worked on yourself after that incident. But won’t continue with that because it’s clear that you know that this isn’t the right way and two wrongs do not make a right. 

Advice? Leave. Run. Do not stay in this relationship where you both are clearly not happy. Love is not enough and does not make a relationship work. Sometimes with problems such as these it’s too much to try and repair. I don’t think you will ever be able to let all his actions go, especially the rape, and it can’t continue like that. Neither of you will be able to trust each other or by the sounds of it be on the same page on things. He was abusive to you! How do you know it won’t happen again? Particularly when he’s not even admitting what he did was wrong! 

Post # 22
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

glimmeringpink96 :  Nothing. I could ask the same of you. What’s wrong  with you?! 

Post # 24
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

glimmeringpink96 :  Are you naive enough to not ask any further questions? I’m not. Because, as I stated in my post, I’ve seen this play out IRL rather than on whatever TV drama you’ve been watching. 

Post # 25
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2021

jannigirl :  lmao don’t try to gaslight me sweetie. I’ve been abused my whole life by multiple people. When a rape victim tells you they’ve been abused the empathetic action is to believe them but whatever

Post # 26
Member
2794 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

jannigirl :  the situation you described is nothing like the OPs. How about you give some sympathy to a woman who was RAPED!

Post # 27
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

[comment removed – tos violation]

Post # 28
Member
212 posts
Helper bee

nevermind

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by  twentytwenty. Reason: nevermind
Post # 29
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2021

travelingbee3 :  yes because OP should give every detail of the marriage on the internet to a bunch of strangers and splay themselves across the examining room table like an animal. You’re horrendous

Post # 30
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

glimmeringpink96 :  The wise thing to do is to ask further, clarifying questions in order to get a clearer view of a complex situation. I’ll stick with “wise” versus “empathetic”. 

 

As a violent rape survivor (who had a panic PTSD response just 2 weeks ago & carefully manages these responses, even 20+ years after my rape), I think that crying “rape” is despicable if you’re just trying to paint yourself in a “victim” light in order to somehow justify your own bad, unrelated behavior. It makes a mockery of the terrible experiences that rape survivors go through. So, yeah, I’ll ask clarifying questions. Because the OP was not clear in her descriptions of exactly how things transpired . Wise people try to get a more complete understanding before making judgements. 

Post # 32
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2018

jannigirl :  You have made a judgement that this poor lady is lying. Be very careful what you decide to write. Maybe some aspects of the story were not to your liking. But what if the worst in her story is true? You have not shown support and could have done more serious damage. These boards are here to support other brides/wives/women. If you don’t believe or like a post, it might be best to just move on to the next post.

There are far too many people that don’t have support networks and this might be her last hope. Please be very careful what you write.

Post # 33
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

glimmeringpink96 :  we all have the right to be “invasive” when someone posts their home drama online. You’ve created drama on multiple boards lately… are you in need of attention? 

Post # 34
Member
393 posts
Helper bee

Leave, get as far away from this man as physically possible, he may be your husband but he is a rapist and he raped you. 

You have every right to be happy and you deserve nothing but happiness but I do not think you will be with him. 

Get a divorce and find a man who loves and respects you 

The topic ‘Looking for Advice – Marital Rape and Affair – But I want to make it work!’ is closed to new replies.

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