(Closed) Looking for Advice – Marital Rape and Affair – But I want to make it work!

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 37
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2021

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jannigirl :  what people in their life know the whole story besides OP? And lmfao at your attempts to be condescending.

Post # 38
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I think to recover with everything that has happened would take some serious therapy and really hard work from both sides and with the support from both families (both of your support networks).

There is no guarantee that this can all be put behind you both or any guarantee that things would change. It would be good to at least chat to each other about all that has happened. Would it be possible to get in a room and stay calm talking about the whole situation together?

By the sounds of it, you have both pulled away from the relationship and it may not be salvagable. You need to have a hard think about why you are together and if the relationship is “right” for you.

For yourself it would be good to be able to really talk this out with somebody. A councilor or trusted and unbiased friend. If you can’t aford or don’t have somebody to talk to, then write it down. I have a notebook that I write in each day and often writing can help me sort through life problems. It might help.

Just know that you aren’t alone. Stay safe.

Post # 39
Member
1502 posts
Bumble bee

OP, I hope you’re ok….I do not think your relationship is salvageable personally and I think you need counselling to help work through your trauma. I think separation is the best option, to get into a healthy state of mind on your own. Maybe reconciliation could happen in the future if you can both forgive each other, but don’t think that should be your focus right now. Take care of yourself bee x

Post # 40
Member
1928 posts
Buzzing bee

This is why women don’t come forward when raped. Giving the benefit of doubt to someone posting something like this doesn’t harm you. It could be fake but it could also very well be true and support goes a long way. 

Good luck, OP. I hope you get out of this marriage and move toward happiness. There is better out there than this marriage and this guy.

 

Post # 41
Member
210 posts
Helper bee

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jannigirl :  The OP shouldn’t have to convince you that her story is true in order to get support. You’re relying too heavily on your own experiences and your judgment is clouded. You have nothing helpful or supportive to offer, and you are doing more damage than good. Why not just stay away from this thread? You and travelingbee3 could really be fucking with OPs head if she IS telling the truth. And if she isnt, who cares? Better to have been supportive then tear someone down in a way that could make them feel ashamed and go back to their rapist husband because of your own personal hang ups.

Post # 42
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

[comment removed – tos violation]

Post # 44
Member
210 posts
Helper bee

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travelingbee3 :  You’re playing a dangerous game with a victim’s mind. 

 

OP, if you’re still reading and following along, please know that this isnt your fault. Your husband and his family are abusers. They are blocking you to punish you because they think they are in control. Don’t give them the power. Take your life back. Get into therapy and lean on your friends. This guy will not get better. And when he tries to reach out and get you back saying all the sweet things you want to hear, dont believe him. Stay away and block him from all social media and devices. Stay safe. 

Post # 45
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee

Some of the responses on this are just … wow. Seriously, why are people questioning this woman’s story? What has she to gain by coming on an anonymous forum to ask for advice and then lying? Rape victims are treated so poorly by society. Who really ‘cries rape’? What can you possibly gain? Being humiliated and judged, even by internet strangers? Wonderful. That phrase is so ridiculous and digusting. Just because you have had a particularly harrowing experience of your own it doesn’t negate someone else’s experiences or give you the authority to tear them down. If you can’t offer helpful or constructive advice you should probably toddle off to another thread and stop infecting this one with your negativity and nastiness.

Your husband raped you. In my opinion he broke your marriage vows there and then. It is a huge violation and not something that can ever be forgiven. He should be in prison. I know it can be hard to leave a relationship, but you should take this opportunity to RUN. Yes, it will be scary and difficult, but you will be so much better off in the long run. Your relationship with your colleague is evidence that you can find happiness elsewhere. Your husband doesn’t even think what he did was wrong, so what’s to stop him from doing it again? Stay safe, stay strong, and file some divorce papers ASAP.

Post # 46
Hostess
10357 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

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jannigirl : S E R I O U S L Y ? ? ? ? 

Post # 47
Member
9841 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I would leave. Cut your losses. Are you still seeing the coworker?

Marital rape, hell rape of any kind, is never okay or justifiable. The fact that he refused to apologize or even see it as such shows his true character.

Let his family delete or block you. You should do the same to them. I know it’s extremely hard but this is not a man worth pursuing.

Good luck OP.

Post # 48
Hostess
10357 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

OP – I am so sorry that you cannot find trust, comfort or love within the boundaries of your own marriage. Any glimmer of the hope that you could find it was shattered the night your husband raped you. 

Please, do not take what Jannigirl and the others doubters/haters have said to heart.

Please, do not feel guilty for ending a pregnancy during this tumultuous time in your life.

Please, do not feel guilty for finding solace in the company of another person you can trust. That is absolutely normal behavior that happens after trauma. Just make sure to look out for your best interests and if this new person gives you any gut feelings or sends you any red flags, trust your gut and leave. 

The best advice I have is to cut ties now with your husband, sooner rather than later. Get a fresh start on your life. Spending time at the gym and with friends is a good start. Individual therapy could help loads as well. 

Sending you lots of love, well wishes and hugs. I hope you find strength to overcome this situation.

Post # 49
Member
1700 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

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skibeeire :  I don’t think it’s that uncommon. I once knew a foster teen who threatened to call CPS and say the foster dad raped her if her foster parents didn’t agree to let her have a phone. Rape gets a reaction in people and some people like to see that play out. I also know kids that have been sexually abused and it’s heart wrenching and horrible how abuse can be normalized in families.

To the OP, seriously get counseling and stay where you are. Don’t get back with your soon to be ex. This sounds like a toxic relationship. I think you should probably avoid a romanic relationship for a little while to give you some time to recover. You’ll be okay.

Post # 50
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee

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anabolina :  Personal ancedote < actual facts and statistics. Obviously it can happen, but it is much less frequent than the hysterical internet screamers would like to think, and very unlikely to be the case in an anonymous advice forum.

What kind of person makes false rape accusations?

 

Post # 51
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2021 - Dracut, Massachusetts

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northernlights19 :  hunny, your husband raped you. you didn’t do anything wrong. there is nothing that he needs to forgive you for. please leave this piece of shit and go get help. you shouldn’t have to live your life this way. i feel so sorry for you that this happened and wish i could give you a hug.

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