(Closed) Looking for Advice – Marital Rape and Affair – But I want to make it work!

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 52
Member
1608 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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jannigirl :  annnnd today you’re blaming a victim of rape? Seriously???

Post # 53
Member
1608 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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glimmeringpink96 :  I ask myself this every time I see her posts.

Post # 54
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee

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northernlights19 :  Your husband raped you, and defended his actions by saying he was “completely inebriated”. That doesn’t make rape okay. But your husband thinks rape is okay if the rapist is drunk. That tells us he has a serious character flaw.

I am here to tell you, despite what your in-laws say, RAPE DOESN’T HAPPEN IN EVERY MARRIAGE. This is completely abnormal, this is completely wrong, and I am so, so sorry.

I’m unclear from your post if you had an affair, emotional or otherwise, with your co-worker, and if he is was the father of your baby. Regardless of who was the father, you hid the pregnancy and the abortion from your husband, but he found out. I think?

It doesn’t matter. The things you have done doesn’t mean you and your husband are “even” in the amount of terrible things you’ve done to each other.

I think you are wrong for clinging to this relationship, I hope you get out and get therapy.

Post # 55
Member
1201 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Your husband raped you. Not a stranger, not a faceless criminal, but the person who is supposed to care for you over everyone else. Being drunk is not an excuse and he’s not sorry that he did what he did. I agree with pp that asked what would keep him from doing it again? From how you’ve described him and his family, they all sound abusive and manipulative. They’re freezing you out as a way to control you. Take their cutting you off as a blessing and start your life over, the life you deserve. 

This is in no way your fault and you’ve done nothing wrong here. Even if you were intimate with your coworker, as far as I’m concerned your marriage ended as soon as your husband raped you. A good spouse takes care of their partner, holds their feelings in high regard, and earns and does not betray their trust. Your husband betrayed you in a fundamental way. He should be in jail for what he did to you. If one of your friends came to you and told them a man had done to them what your husband did to you, what would you tell them?

Please take care of yourself, OP. Go to therapy, see your friends, continue to see your co-worker if he makes you happy. But please don’t let your husband poison any more of your life.

Post # 56
Member
5018 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

Little uneasy touching upon this subject.  Clearly there have been many awful things that have occurred in this marriage.  Things that cannot be undone and things that are damaging.  

Rape is an inexcusable and heinous crime.  This is not normal or acceptable.  There are other things to consider such as the demise of the relationship prior to the rape, the extramarital affair and the the pregnancy/abortion that was in secrecy.

I would not advise making any effort to try and save the marriage.  OP, you need to end this marriage immediately and to get into therapy ASAP.

Post # 57
Member
6937 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

The rape apologists and “skeptics” in this thread make me fucking sick. 

OP, your husband raped you. Full stop. It is not your fault. Full stop. Please get yourself some help and be thankful that this human piece of absolute garbage has cut off contact with you. Divorce and don’t look back.

Post # 58
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

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travelingbee3 :  Rape is always worse. No matter what. Rape is worse. I can’t believe you just said cheating is worse than rape. 😐

Post # 59
Member
358 posts
Helper bee

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jannigirl :  I honestly can’t believe you said that

Post # 60
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2021

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libellules :  thank you, I seriously started doubting myself and wondering if I was in the wrong for believing OP

Post # 61
Member
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

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jannigirl :  ok President Trump, time to stop trolling weddingbee and get back to your work being a shitty ass president. 

OP – this is an incredibly unhealthy relationship and I don’t see how you two could recover the trust and love required for a fulfilling marriage.  The person who is supposed to cherish you and protect you, forcibly raped you.  Please don’t go back.

Post # 62
Member
1608 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

 

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glimmeringpink96 :  Absolutely not. She is always super negative and rude, and assumes the worst in others.

Post # 63
Member
644 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

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northernlights19 :  I am in the minority, I know. But saying “leave him” is easier said than done. You are CLEARLY not in that mind set right now. 

“I know what I’ve done is terrible and I know I’ll never be forgiven for the things I’ve done”
This statement, in my opinion, is incorrect. You CAN be forgiven for the things you have done. 

If I was in your shoes, I would start focusing on myself and go to therapy. After a few sessions with a good therapist, see if your husband would be willing to go to couples therapy. And then work from there. Couples therapy isn’t only about “making it work”, it can also be about realizing it is time to move on and to give both parties and safe space and strength to do so. But then it CAN also be about “making it work, forgiveness and understanding.” Just keep an open mind to it all.

Post # 64
Member
1608 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Sorry PP, I can’t ever condone having an open mind to even potentially “making it work” with a rapist. OP’s description honestly makes me think he has done this before to previous girlfriends. Since his parents say it’s normal, and it happened when he was drunk.

Post # 66
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee

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northernlights19 :  I didn’t read most of the comments, but my first thought when I read your post was you only want to try and make it work because you feel guilty for cheating. Please see a therapist and move past the guilt so that you can have the mind to leave your husband. I’m so sorry about what happened. I think your marriage was essentially over when he raped you so I kind of don’t even consider what you did cheating. That’s just my opinion though. I hope things work out for you.

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