(Closed) Looking for Advice – Marital Rape and Affair – But I want to make it work!

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 67
8283 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

OP, what happened to you is not ok, and some of the responses on here are shameful. 


Please don’t try and make this relationship work, there is NOTHING worth saving once your husband rapes you.


Big hugs x

Post # 68
1561 posts
Bumble bee

I would much prefer my spouse cheat on me with like a bazillion other people (as long as he didn’t pass an incurable STD to me) than rape me. What the fuck.

Cheating is small potatoes compared to marital rape. Only people who don’t place a lot of value in women could possibly find them equivalent. 

Post # 70
1239 posts
Bumble bee

OP your relationship is beyond unhealthy. 100% recommend removing yourself from the situation and speaking to a professional about all that has happened. 

View original reply
jannigirl : false rape claims are despicable. they ruin reputations and make it harder for real victims to be believed, but this isn’t a situation where the OP has named names. her post carries no repercussions for her husband and we aren’t a court of law so why exactly is it our job to be skeptics prying for details? this seems like a situation where there is no downside to providing support to someone who feels traumatized by a sexual experience.

Post # 71
1993 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

 Some of the bees on this thread are absolutely disgusting.  Blaming a rape victim. Even if you don’t believe it’s real you can empathize especially considering the fact that OP said she has been suicidal with everything going on in her marriage. OP if you’re reading and this is real please leave your husband. That is not love and you can do better by yourself. 

Post # 72
373 posts
Helper bee

What the entire FAWK!

With husbands like this, who needs axe murderers.

I can’t even come to terms with the fact that you are considering working this out. I sincerely feel so sad for you.

Post # 73
368 posts
Helper bee

Reading this made me cry. My mother went through marital rape and on occasions I witnessed it. This breaks my heart. I know you feel bad about the abortion and I wont comment on that but know that bringing a child into this environment would not be good, almost cruel. 

Please leave your husband asap and seek mental help. You need to talk to someone. You can get through this but you need to leave. 

Post # 74
11363 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
jannigirl :  Wise people try to get a more complete understanding before making judgements. 

But girl, you can’t be painting yourself as a wise person. Please tell me you know better than that. All you do in these situations is paint other people with an emotional reaction brush based in an anecdote from your life, one in which you actually come off as the person who doesn’t understand things often- by the way.

wise people believe facts.


1. it is rare for a woman to lie about rape.

2. it is common that abused women cheat on their abuser. This doesn’t excuse the abuse; it is actually a symptom of being abused. 

3. You are not the only person who has ever been raped, and while I’m very sorry that happened to you, it’s reprehensible the way that you use your own trauma as a weapon to beat other women over the head so you can one-up them and repeatedly claim their rape isn’t real rape. 

4. There are many kinds of rape, not all rape is “violent” as in includes a weapon or inflicted physical injuries, although I would describe any rape as violent because it’s an act of aggression. At any rate, not all rape is the kind you experienced nor does it need to meet your right-wing, b,s. “standards” for rape. Legally, this is a fact. Wiser people, that’s people with actual knowledge about rape rather than emotional projections, created those standards. They are “wiser” than you. 

5. Your PTSD is not an excuse to troll every other woman in this site. Guess what. I have PTSD and I have never had the occasion to toss it in people’s faces as an excuse for being a jerk as you repeatedly have. Many women on these boards have PTSD. You just don’t know about it because you’re too busy thinking you’re the only one and using it as an excuse to gaslight an entire forum. 

6. Being raped is horrific, but sadly you are not alone on that score either. There are many women on these boards who have been raped, statistically speaking- and again, statistics are wiser than you.

7. I, and apparently many PP, am sick of your cruelty to women. I gave you another chance after you pulled one of your anecdotes out of your butt to accuse me of being a cheater when I didn’t agree that exes are whores, etc., but you just keep coming at others with the wild personal insults. 

8. this is the way you fight- you make ridiculous personal accusations based on your emotions because your thought process is scattered and irrational and you can’t logically defend your position. It is not wise. Not at all.

You don’t get special treatment to repeatedly verbally abuse other women because you were abused.

9. The mods must have bought this song and dance from you a lot, but it’s obvious you’ve taken advantage of their kindness. 

10. Your ususal comment is to perpetuate the notion that women are whores who deserve what they get, except for you. That is not wise, it’s the predictable comment of a rape apologist perpetuating the belief that there is only one kind of rape that counts.

How would you like it if I did the same to you by suggesting that the people who make this argument were not in fact raped, and they just said that to make their crappy argument legitimate? Because truly your comments could be copy and pasted from right wing rape apology sites – this is how they try to legitimize their attempts to derail rape as a crime. But I would not accuse you of that, nor have I ever, because I believe you, Janni. And I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. 

But that does not make it okay for you to deliberately cause others pain.  It is not wise to assume that one similarity to a situation you’ve seen before means all variables are the exact same – and furthermore, even in your anecdote, you don’t actually know that your “friend” made up her rape/abuse. You accused her of that. It doesn’t make it so. 

You would call what you’re doing “playing the rape card.” Ironically, PP and I would defend you from this accusation.

But enough. 



Post # 75
7847 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

OP, I understand that it is hard to end a marriage, even under terrible circumstances. But your marriage is over. He raped you, you got pregnant with and aborted another man’s child–not a lot of people could recover from these things and your husband isn’t interested in trying. It’s over.

I hope you are working with a good therapist to chart a new future. 

Post # 76
2593 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2016


[comment removed – personal attack]

Post # 77
210 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
BalletParker :  You are my favorite bee. Everything I always want to say but can’t find the words. I wish I could send you a giftbasket of wine and expensive chocolate. You rock.


Post # 78
210 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
jannigirl :  It’s hilarious but also really sad to me that you would ever call someone else a bully.

Post # 80
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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BalletParker :  πŸ™ŒπŸ»πŸ™ŒπŸ»πŸ™ŒπŸ»πŸ™ŒπŸ»πŸ™ŒπŸ»πŸ™ŒπŸ»

PS – eye roll at the “emotional” comment. Another tired sexist trope.


Post # 81
3648 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

View original reply
jannigirl :  go away Drumpf 

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