(Closed) Looking for Advice – Marital Rape and Affair – But I want to make it work!

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 97
Member
2762 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@BalletParker: You. I like you. A lot. I would love to meet you and be friends IRL too, I swear.

 

OP: there’s not much I could add that hasn’t already been said, but I just wanted to offer my support. Your husband left. Good. It’s always nice when the trash takes itself out.

You are worth SO much more than what he could ever give you. I don’t give a fuck if you cheated on him, truth be told, in your shoes I’d probably look for love elsewhere too. Because rape is NOT love. Hurting you is NOT love. Realizing you got hurt and being dismissive of that pain is not love. You have the right to be happy and loved. Now that he’s left it’s up to YOU to gently remove yourself from a hurtful situation. Permanently. You can do it. 

And yes, drunken sex in relationships does happen. Usually like this though:

P1: ooooh Im so drunk! I’m horny too!

P2: lol, let’s get it on then!

P1: ouch I banged my head into the wall!

P2: lol, are you ok? C’mere!

P1: yeah yeah 

The next day:

P1: …..oooooh my head hurts

P2: yeah mine too. Here, I brought you some aspirin. Wait, didn’t you bang it into the wall at some point?

P1: oooh yeeeeeeah, I guess I did.

P2: you ok though?

P1: yeah I’ll be ok. 

 

See how both persons express their consent? See how they’re both into it? See how once they’re not inebriated they express concern for the other’s wellbeing?

Post # 98
Member
1292 posts
Bumble bee

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pbubs :  It is so frightening that she works in healthcare.  Every time it comes up it makes me cringe.  

Post # 99
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee

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travelingbee3 :  ” I don’t think cheating is worse than rape in most instances. Just the one she described.”

Yeah, you literally just said that cheating IS worse than rape in the instance described by OP. You said that CHEATING is worse than RAPE. 

Well done. 

So you acknowledge that she was raped? And you still think that cheating is worse? This IS what you’ve said, after all. 

Post # 100
Member
1192 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

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travelingbee3 :  “And sorry but I don’t think any new marriage can be healthy when one person is refusing sex…”

Also, why is this relevant? Clearly they have an unhealthy marriage because her husband RAPED HER. You bringing up the fact that they weren’t having sex prior to him raping her sure makes it sound like you’re a rape apologist to me. 

Post # 101
Member
2762 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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travelingbee3 :  oh. Of course. I cannot believe I missed that. She was refusing her husband sex prior to the rape. I see. Saying no to sex begets rape. 

Right. 

Post # 102
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee

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NikkiBee18 :  Oh, Nikki, be reasonable! Men NEED sex, and it’s a wife’s duty to give it to her man no matter what! If she doesn’t, well, she’s just asking for punishment. /sarcasm

Bleh. 

Post # 103
Member
5277 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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DeniseSecunda :  

Mrs. Duggar! I didn’t realize you were allowed on Internet forums!

Post # 104
Member
2762 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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Sansa85 :  Mrs Duggar. //snicker

Post # 105
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

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northernlights19 : 

 

  1. First, I am SO SORRY! There is nothing that makes what happened to you better of okay. YOU WILL GET BETTER, but nothing makes what he did alright.

 

Two pieces of advice. Get off this board with your story. Take it down if you can. I can talk from personal experience, people who have never gone through this don’t understand. Reading these hurtful comments can trigger you even more. Please, talk about this with a counselor who specializes in PTSD.

 

Second piece of advice, one you have a counselor, (and please, please, please get a counselor). Remove yourself from this abusive relationship.

If you are feeling drained and only have enough time to read the first what I wrote above, that is okay! If you have it in you, go ahead and keep reading.

 

Like I said above, I am writing from personal experience. I cannot begin to tell you how hard it is to even admit to yourself, to even write out for the first time, that you were raped. I couldn’t even use the word for months after it happened. I couldn’t accept that it had happened to me.

 

This doesn’t make what happened any less real!

 

This is NOT something that is “normal” for a marriage. It is rape.

 

I highly encourage you to Google, “Symptoms of Rape” and “Symptoms of PTSD.” There was something very powerful for me in reading the symptoms that I was going through written down. It helped me to come to terms that what I was going through was real.

 

One of the symptoms of rape is that the survivors often times blame themselves at first. Saying things like, “We have both made mistakes.” Nothing justifies what he did. Nothing makes it okay. You are not required to stay in this relationship because you have both “made mistakes.” They are two separate events.

 

I could go on and on about this. Let me end with, it took over a year of counseling for PTSD to get to a place where I am functioning again (and I still have bad days / weeks sometimes) but IT DOES GET BETTER. I didn’t believe it would at first. I wanted to die so many times. It can be a living hell. These is a song that goes, “Cannot run from myself. There’s nowhere to hide.” Really got to me. There isn’t anywhere that feels safe. After I was assaulted for the first time, I kept being hurt again and again for over a year by different men. I was terrified to be alone. As in crying on the floor in a ball contemplating cutting off my lady parts “so no one could ever hurt me again.” Being with someone, even someone I didn’t know, felt safer than being alone.

 

I am not your councilor. You would NEED to talk to one about it. But from someone who has been through it – my opinion of your affair is that it could have been your survival mechanism. You needed help. That was where you found it. It is SO SO SO hard for someone who has never been through it to understand, but when one of the guys who offered to help me made a sexual advance, (when he knew that I was crying and throwing up from not wanting that), giving him what he wanted felt like a test. My mind would circle, “I know what you are. Here. Take it. I know that is all you want. Prove me wrong. Prove to me you are only here to help me.” Like I said, I could go on and on. It plays horrible mind games with you.

 

Bottom line, please, go see a counselor. It’s the path to you getting better.

 

Post # 106
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

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NikkiBee18 :  
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MrsHarryDresden :  LOL sorry I guess I didn’t get my point across with that statement accurately. I wasn’t meaning what you both got from it at all. I meant it sounds like they had a really broken marriage before the rape or cheating ever occurred. Sorry it came off as me saying you’re supposed to spread you legs whenever your man wants because I def don’t mean that. 

Post # 108
Member
1425 posts
Bumble bee

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travelingbee3 :  But cheating can be worse than rape? Because you still said that and I’d love to see how you rationalize that

Post # 109
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

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bumblebug :  oh nah I’m not rationalizing that other than I don’t feel like my husband getting drunk and being pushy during sex qualifies as rape. I never think cheating is worse than “real” rape… I’m just still on the doubt train for her crying rape on her husband. I’m not trying to start an argument here though Bee. I’m a rational person who can have my opinions. When you post on a public forum with people from all different backgrounds, different countries and different cultures and beliefs you’re going to get some feedback you don’t like sometimes. Sorry I ruffled some feathers. I live a very drama free life and I ain’t got time for it here either. I’ll go back to posting on the happy boards now. 👋🏻

Post # 110
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

“Real” rape are you serious 

Post # 111
Member
1425 posts
Bumble bee

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travelingbee3 :  So if your drunk husband has sex with you while you don’t want it, you’re ok with that? You’re ok with  you husband continuing sex while you’re yelling at him to stop? You think it’s not rape if someone forces another person to have unconsensual sex?

You do know that “real” rape is most often perpetrated by people/friends/”loved” ones that the victim knows, right?

You do know that most women who are raped don’t report it because of attitudes like yours saying it’s not “real” rape, right?

You can have the opinions you want, but right now your opinion about what defines rape is contradicted both by any dictionary and the law in most first world countries.

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