Looking For Advice on Consulting an Ex in Current relationship

posted 2 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Not bashing.  However, how would you feel if you were in your boyfriend’s position and found similar conversations on his phone with his ex?  You obviously can’t blame him for being upset and no longer trusting you.  It really sounds like you were never fully invested in the relationship.  If he breaks up with you move on, learn your lesson and going forward don’t keep secrets in a committed relationship.

Post # 3
Member
3207 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

You can’t do anything.  I’m not bashing you but if my partner was talking to their ex about how they probably wanted to break up with me I would be furious and probably just end it.  

Post # 4
Member
1056 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Not much you can do except call it a life lesson. You’re young, you screwed up, but hey, we’ve all done stuff we shouldn’t have. Life goes on. 

Next time you’re frustrated in a relationship, talk it out with your SO, not an ex. Or a different friend. There’s over 7 billion people in the world, you can find another friend to confide in besides an ex. 

Post # 7
Member
983 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I think you have A LOT of growing up to do before you should consider getting into another relationship. 

Pretty childish. 

Post # 8
Member
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

writerbee23 :  The thing about trust is that it takes a long time to build and a moment to destroy.  Once you’ve destroyed trust in a close relationship it can be impossible to restore.  

The best thing you can do is leave your boyfriend alone right now and let him process his feelings.  You betrayed his trust, deeply, and you need to really get that.  You may have destroyed his love for you as well.  Let him grieve and expect him to never forgive you and for things to never be the same again.  There is nothing you can do to make it better for him now, it’s too late.  He is seeing you through different eyes.

Let this be a life lesson.  Don’t beat yourself up over it but gain insight from it.  We all make mistakes when maturing.  Part of maturing is learning from your mistakes so you don’t repeat them in the future.  

Post # 10
Member
5230 posts
Bee Keeper

Bee–you already know that what you did was wrong and hopefully you’ve learned from this and will make better choices in the future. Stop trying to explain it, it will only come across as making excuses, and just own it. Whether or not your current Boyfriend or Best Friend decides he can get past this is up to him. 

Post # 12
Member
8683 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Honestly it kind of sounds like you were bordering on an emotional affair with your ex.

I don’t really blame your boyfriend. I would have a really hard time trusting my partner if I saw texts like that. I don’t think there’s anything you can really say to make it “better”. Just own it and don’t make excuses.

Post # 13
Member
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

writerbee23 :  You’re welcome.  Like I said, we’ve all made mistakes.  You’re young and you will have more relationships going forward.  You will break hearts and have your heart broken.  It’s part of life.

Here’s a tip, don’t get too seriously involved with a man unless you feel the same for him that he does for you.  Don’t let a man pressure you into becoming more involved than you’re ready for and willing to be.  I look at your clinging to your ex as your way of keeping your distance from your current boyfriend because you were not as into him as he was into you.  I know it’s sometimes difficult to keep distance from a man who REALLY wants to be with you, but trust your gut.  If you have the inclination to hide something, or be unfaithful or keep secrets, that can be a sign that it’s not the right relationship for you.  Listen to your inner self. 

When you find the right person, really fall in love with him, and are ready for a mature, committed relationship it will be easy to be completely open, transparent, honest and trustworthy.  Those are all things necessary for a healthy, loving relationship.

Post # 14
Member
4020 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

writerbee23 :  

I think us bees can sometimes forget that we were all young and inexperienced and had a lot of growing up to do too.

Yeah, you have some growing up to do, but that’s what life is all about.

You make mistakes, you learn from those mistakes, you forgive yourself for those mistakes, and you grow as a result of those mistakes.

It’s ok that you have growing up to do, you are fresh out of college. You are also upset that you hurt your boyfriend, that shows that you have compassion. Tell him that you’re sorry and that you should have gone to him with your concerns and not your ex. Go from there, he might decide to end the relationship but you are already aware that you made a mistake. Which is a good thing.

Post # 15
Member
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Sansa85 :  I’m so glad you pointed out that she’s feeling compassion for hurting her boyfriend and I also agree that’s a good sign.  She’s not some heartless evil person, she’s a person who made a mistake and feels badly about it.  I would bet she never does anything like that again and has learned from this how not to hurt people.

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