Looking For Advice on Consulting an Ex in Current relationship

posted 4 months ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
10721 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

If the relationship was having problems, the person to have discussed it with at that time was your boyfriend. Talking  to your ex of all people, was incredibly inappropriate and disloyal. But you know that now.

You can’t prevent his pain but you can behave with dignity, accept responsibility, and make things as easy as possible moving forward, including letting him go if that’s what he wants. 

It sounds as if you yourself had major doubts about the relationship early on. You should have paid attention to them, but obviously not in this way. Just don’t fall into the trap of trying to hold on because a break up was not on your terms and your own decision. 

That’s how you can help. 

ETA  “ I did try to bring up the conversation with my current bf, hes older then me and we are pretty diffrent so he didnt really understand what I was going through”

Sorry, I missed that you tried to talk to your current boyfriend when things were confusing for you but found it impossible. That’s a real red flag in any relationship on its own. I agree you were probably headed for a breakup regardless. Life changes not withstanding, a healthy relationship should not be this difficult this early on. 

Post # 17
Member
2380 posts
Buzzing bee

You are not ready yet for a comitted relationship. Why anchor yourself down at this exciting time, having just graduated? Live a little. The heck with living with some guy. 

You have only known him for 8 months, this is still the proving ground for a relationship and it is showing to be lacking. Move on, you will find someone more suited, and have fun. Put yourself first at this time in your life. Don’t put some guy first if it is just a fledgling relationship.

Post # 18
Member
61 posts
Worker bee

I’m going to try to give you advice regarding what you are seeking, aka, how to make your boyfriend feel better. In my opinion, the best thing you can do (which you may have already) is SINCERELY apologize while validating his feelings and ensuring it won’t happy again.  A good apology has several parts:

1) (apologize) “I’m sorry”

2) (state what you are sorry for without trivializing it) “For having inappropriate conversations with my ex-boyfriend about our relationship behind your back.”

3) (validate) “I can understand why this would be incredibly hurtful for you and damage your trust in me.”

4) (explain without making excuses) “At the time I was going through a lot of changes in my life and questioning things, but my actions were still inexcusable.”

5) (reassure) “I am crazy about you now and do not have doubts about you or our relationship. I made a huge mistake, and I can assure you that will never happen again.”

6) (ask how you can help) “Is there anything I can do right now to make this better?”

A lot of times people want their feelings to be validated, to know that you know what you put them through, to clear up any misunderstandings, and ensure it won’t happen again.  

Good luck!

Post # 19
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

writerbee23 :  There’s absolutely nothing that you can do. You know damn well that you would feel like absolute shit if you found out that he was talking, flirting, asking advice from and questioning your very relationship with some ex. 

Good rule of thumb: If you would be upset about him doing it, don’t do it.

Post # 21
Member
9740 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

Sorry bee, as others have said unfortunately this is a hard one to come back from.  Take it as a life lesson learnt.  We all learn some relationship stuff the hard way, it happens.

Post # 22
Member
3720 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

You messed up, that’s for sure but I don’t think he had a right to go through your phone, looking up your old snapchat messages. He crossed boundaries too.

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