Looking for clarity.

posted 4 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Sorry, bee. He sounds like a gaslighting, manipulative asshole. You make excuses for his behavior left and right in your post which is so sad. You even shift the blame of his own hurtful comments to yourself. This is not a healthy relationship. He hasn’t seen how he’s hurting you or showed that he even wants to change. Get out now and find someone who treats you better! Judging from this post, that shouldn’t be hard.

Post # 4
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee

This man sounds like a terrible husband, “partner” (I use that term lightly because he is NOT a partner to you in any sense of the word), and human being. He does not seem to give a shit about your feelings, needs, or perspectives; he lacks genuine remorse or empathy for you (uhhhh, the biggest of red flags there…); he blatantly lies and gaslights… 

Therapy isn’t going to help change who he is inside. Sorry, I have no advice because someone like this can’t be redeemed. 

Post # 5
Member
411 posts
Helper bee

It’s clear he will not change. He doesn’t respect you at all. He has more respect for the therapist than he does you. Divorce him yesterday 

Post # 6
Member
5780 posts
Bee Keeper

He’s told you multiple times that he wants a divorce. He’s told you he doesn’t give a shit about your feelings or needs if they don’t match his own. He’s right that you knew about his game obsession going in, and he’s made it clear that also isn’t going to change. 

“he does want to change and recognizes that his behavior has been bad”

What does this mean? What behaviours are bad? What IS going to change? Honestly I’m not sure its worth pursuing trying to figure this out =\

Post # 7
Member
5426 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I stopped at the 30th birthday thing. You need to dump this man and raise your standards. The only reason you’re going around and around about it is because you want out and you’re afraid to acknowledge that and start moving forward on it. That’s all that is happening. 

You want to be free and you are afraid of what that means for your life and your fear is allowing this guy to continue doing and saying whatever he fucking wants with you.

When you’re ready to leave, you will and you will feel like a weight has been lifted off of you- because it will have been.

Post # 8
Member
2218 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

beeyou10 :  I’m usually not one to jump to divorce. However, this dude is a manipulator. 

In terms of him calling you names, making decisions without you, saying something detrimental and then denying it, etc. that is completely not okay and I can’t see it changing. That is emotional abuse and manipulative. 

And in terms of the football thing, my husband is a HUGE football fan. Like, it’s the one thing that he loves and it’s his major hobby. He skips stuff all the time for football. However, if he knew there was an event or a family gathering, he would work around the games. He hasn’t had to do this often, but he does it when necessary. It sounds like you’ve been pretty fair with football as well. It’s not like you’re telling him to never watch it.

Post # 11
Member
1150 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Keep in mind that abusers will use therapy as a manipulation tool as well to keep you in their game.

Post # 12
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee

beeyou10 :  The biggest red flag for me is that you openly expressed that he has hurt you, and he doesnt care, he doesnt want to apologize, he’s not even trying to figure out how to make you more comfortable or know that youre loved, or anything. He even sng you or your feeligns into consideration. not good. Please, leave the marriage sooner than later.aid he doesnt feel remorse. HUGE. Therapy will possibly help him understand that hes hurting you and that thats not cool, so theres that. 

But can you go into more detail about the coworker he diceided to do business with that youre not comfotable with? Him not coming and communicating it all to you is another HUGE red flag. 

 

Bee, you need to make a decision sooner rather than later….you know what im talking about..

Post # 13
Member
5426 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

beeyou10 :  I think you need to go to therapy on your own because it doesn’t really matter what your families think or what your friends think. They could all think you are two peas in a pod, basically the same person in two different bodies and if YOU aren’t happy in the marriage, that is all that matters. A therapist can help you develop the confidence to see that and make a plan and start executing it.

Pro tip- Bone up on your birth control in the interim so you don’t end up pregnant and tied to this guy for life.

Post # 14
Member
411 posts
Helper bee

He shouldn’t have to work hard to put you first. That should be a given. If he has to actively work on giving a shit about you, then it’s too hard. This relationship can’t work if it doesn’t come naturally for him to care about you in any way. He doesn’t.

He will resent that trip if it even happens at all. He’s manipulative and I guarantee you he will either change his mind and tell you he cancelled it or he will resent you on the trip and make it your fault.

You have had to fight him to hear you out and the only way you got him to finally listen was through a third party. Therapy is great, but how are you going to get him to listen to you and respect you in daily life without a therapist to constantly stand up for you and mediate?

It’s not going to work.

Unfortunately, you knew about his football obsession and his issues and married him anyway. So a lot of this isn’t news to you. 

Please look into divorce. I don’t see any other way for you to be happy

Post # 15
Member
2576 posts
Sugar bee

You’re in therapy with an abusive manipulator. He’s saying all the right things right now to get you to stay and submit to more years of his abuse. He’s saying all the right things because there’s a 3rd party present and he wants to impress them. He wants to “win” at therapy.

NEVER go to therapy with an abuser. They will use your vulnerabilities against you. The secret fears you admit to in therapy – they will use them against you in the future to keep you under their control.

He’s making plans for this trip during a game weekend specifically because you told him that’s what you want. He’s doing it to make you happy in the SHORT term so that he can keep you around for narcissistic supply in the LONG term.

You are being conned. Stop going to therapy with this man immediately. You really really really should get your ducks in a row and file for divorce and then go No Contact. But I have a feeling you’re going to stay and let him run another long con on you. :/

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