Looking for clarity.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
2211 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
sharpshooter : This.  My ex husband was a total con artist. The fact that someone is charming on the surface means nothing. He had all of my friends and family fooled. The divorce seemed to come out of nowhere to them, because he would present such a good public persona. He’d step on my toes when he was ready to leave somewhere, which was his “we’re leaving now, or else” action. While he was pretty much injuring me (I had scrapes on my foot twice), he was smiling and laughing with a group of people. We’d get to the car and he’d complain about them the entire ride home. 

My marriage lasted less than three years, and his behavior didn’t come out until he’d “trapped” me. It sucked. Don’t let this drag on any longer. 

Post # 47
Member
3971 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
bouviebee :  SAME.  My friends and family were shocked when I told them that we were getting a divorce.  My parents questioned me multiple times asking me if I was “making the right choice” or told me that “he was such a nice guy” and “it can’t be that bad.”

I understand their POV.  I was codependent and completely hid who he really was.  I was always walking on eggshells to make sure he didn’t have a blow up in front of my friends and family.  I did anything in my power to keep his actions at bay because I was embarrassed of his toddler like meltdowns.

I did have a couple SO’s of my closest friends tell me that they ALWAYS thought he was so fake, which was nice to hear that not everyone was bamboozled.

Post # 48
Member
1292 posts
Bumble bee

Based on your last update, OP – give yourself some credit.  You are facing the hard truth here and you’re not making excuses, you’re putting the different pieces together.  Your remarks on having children is a huge thing to realize & admit and not an easy one.  You are smart enough & tough enough to do what you need to do.

My husband is also a football nut.  I mean a NUT.  The difference is that he also has the ability to put other people’s needs & feelings and social norms in the appropriate priority order. Your husband doesn’t.  Football isn’t the issue, it’s the narcissism.  That said, I get that football is where his narcissism has frequently channeled itself and you’re rightfully resentful of the football and/or the culture of fanaticism in his family.  Even I am annoyed at his family football culture after reading your posts! 

Post # 49
Member
6930 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
beeyou10 :  “After reading all of these posts I am coming to the realization that I think I do want them. I just don’t want them with this person, and in turn, have convinced myself that I don’t want them. It is extremely difficult to admit this out loud.”

So I have a friend that recently filed for divorce and this was her tipping point. It was like a light bulb went off. One day she just realized that she had been lying to herself about not wanting kids simply because she didn’t want to have kids with her husband. That is huge Bee. 

Post # 50
Member
2331 posts
Buzzing bee

His response – that any kid of his would love football as much as he does and would understand – is CLASSIC NARCISSISM.

Us normal people understand that our children will be separate entities from ourselves. That they will grow independently from us to become their own, unique person. That their personalities may turn out to be similar to ours, or they could turn out entirely different.

Narcissistic parents, however, expect their children to be tiny extensions/replicas of themselves. For this to be the case, they need to have 100% control over these children. So they emotionally abuse them, shame them for any interests they don’t share with the narc parent, praise them for any interests they DO share, etc. They install deep, deep shame buttons they can push whenever the child is doing ANYTHING the narc parent does not like – including ANY attempt to differentiate themselves from said parent. 

Your husband’s thinking on this subject is 100% narcissistic. He’s thinking of any future children as accessories. They WILL go along with what HE wants, or they will he smacked the eff down. They WILL make themselves agreeable and compliant, or they will get taught a lesson. If anything about their personality makes them a hindrance (NOT liking football, for instance), then Daddy will emotionally abuse them to be ashamed of themselves and to hate themselves b/c they are “never good enough” for Daddy. 

Narcissistic parents raise emotionally crippled, co-dependent, deeply ashamed children who become entirely reactive and fear-driven adults with severe attachment handicaps.

I’m glad you’re facing this head-on and putting all the pieces together. If you want a happy, fulfilling life, and you want the possibility of having kids and raising them into healthy, emotionally mature, self-loving adults, you HAVE to leave. 

Post # 51
Member
1521 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
beeyou10 :  im sorry bee, this is awful. Sounds like you really should address his football watching addiction because that is EXACTLY what that is. An addiction. It is preventing him from living his life and participating in things. That needs to be addressed in therapy. 

Tell your couples counselor that you want to set up goals for yourselves and set a time limit on working on those goals. I think that should give you some sense of purpose and relief that if you reach the end of that time and those goals aren’t met that you can then divorce knowing you did your best. If you get to that time and most of the goals are met you can keep going. But if you get to that time and there hasn’t been any real concrete change you can end it without putting in endless years into therapy not knowing the outcome. Hugs bee. 

Post # 55
Member
3971 posts
Honey bee

IME, therapy will help you find your happiness.  Whether that happiness is staying with your Husband or leaving him.  Eventually you will be happy again.

I went into therapy with one goal in mind….try to fix whatever was making me question my marriage and causing the dread that filled my life.  He led me to believe that it was all in my head and that I was the problem.  I’m not saying that I was the perfect partner, but I learned a lot about the whys of our issues.  I had to dig deep into my childhood to figure out why I would choose and settle for someone like him.  

I did not think that therapy would lead me to divorce, but in the end, I am eternally grateful that it did and I was able to learn so much about myself that helped me to not make the same mistakes over and over again.

My recommendation to you is to find a separate therapist and start going on your own.  You can continue couples therapy in conjunction, but go and start working on yourself.  You might be surprised where it leads you.  

 

 

Post # 56
Member
3971 posts
Honey bee

“…being repeatedly told that’s for people with mental problems not us”

I am very open and honest about the fact that I continue to go to therapy.  There is a stigma that still surrounds it and it’s very sad that people think this way.  Sometimes I go because I am struggling with some aspect of my life, but other times I go just for a mental health check in. 

I have said this in another thread, but I consider therapy a “mental health massage.”  I leave feeling relaxed and rejuvated.  

Post # 57
Member
1944 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
beeyou10 :  Oh wow this is CLASSIC. He said this to immediately manipulate your therapist. His response was cultivated to make YOU seem as though you weren’t really invested in therapy and are negative about the whole experience, but HE is totally on board. WOW. And then telling you that “does it really matter why he gets it, it was just triggered”? That’s him admitting to what he knew all along. He always knew, he is just trying to seem like the good guy now. 

So, I don’t like to get too personal about my past, but this is crap my father pulled to get everyone to like him and not my mother. He also tried to cozy up to the therapist and put my mother down. Then he would tell EVERYONE things that the therapist supposedly said to alienate everyone from my mother. Needless to say, their relationship was not a healthy one. 

Your family isn’t supporting you because most people don’t really understand what goes on between two people, divorce is a big deal, and a lot of people don’t want to deal with conflict. Just because they are questioning you now does not mean they won’t support you. The fact that you haven’t left him yet makes it seem like it isn’t that bad. 

I don’t like telling people to just leave their spouse because we can’t really know all the ins and outs…but based on what you are telling us, I think that not only is this man manipulative and emotionally abusive, I also think he’s potentially dangerous. Please leave this man. 

Post # 58
Member
2944 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

1) Stop listening to your family about this. Yes, they want you to be happy and love you, but they have their own motives and beliefs and desires guiding them. They don’t mean to do it, but they are putting their own wants and needs above yours. Normally, that is fine because one should always take care of oneself, but this has next to nothing to do with them. Listen to yourself. Period. (Well and maybe the badass therapist.)

2) Stop listening to your husband. He is a selfish, lying, manipulative snake. As of right now, you need to view him as you would a stranger. It’s so hard to go against all of the good memories of the past. It’s also really easy to allow yourself to rationalize anything because you’ve put so much time and effort into the relationship and into him. Oh well. If you spent $100 on a shirt that looked good on you for a while but is now stained, warped, and generally makes you look like a bag of trash, would you keep wearing it because you once spent $100 on it?? NO! 

3) You’re having a tough time with the decision, second-guessing yourself, and looking to strangers for advice because divorce is a super difficult and shitty endeavor. YOU KNOW deep in your heart what you want and need, but that doesn’t make it any easier really. You meant those vows on your wedding day. You meant it every time you said you loved him. You had your hopes and dreams for matching rocking chairs on the porch for retirement (or whatever). A divorce doesn’t just end what is; it also ends what could have been and hits you right in the center of who you are as a person. 

I should have left my first husband years before I did. In fact, we should have never gotten married, but we did. It took me years of doubt and misery then almost a year of suicidal despair before I finally admitted what I needed to do. Even then, even after separating, even knowing it was the best for the both of us, I was gutted. It took a long time for me to smile again.

All this to say that your doubts and your fears aren’t there because you might be wrong. They are there because this is a big damn deal. 

Post # 59
Member
3971 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
HisMoon :  

“3) You’re having a tough time with the decision, second-guessing yourself, and looking to strangers for advice because divorce is a super difficult and shitty endeavor. YOU KNOW deep in your heart what you want and need, but that doesn’t make it any easier really. You meant those vows on your wedding day. You meant it every time you said you loved him. You had your hopes and dreams for matching rocking chairs on the porch for retirement (or whatever). A divorce doesn’t just end what is; it also ends what could have been and hits you right in the center of who you are as a person. 

I should have left my first husband years before I did. In fact, we should have never gotten married, but we did. It took me years of doubt and misery then almost a year of suicidal despair before I finally admitted what I needed to do. Even then, even after separating, even knowing it was the best for the both of us, I was gutted. It took a long time for me to smile again.

All this to say that your doubts and your fears aren’t there because you might be wrong. They are there because this is a big damn deal.” 

Everything that was said here just hit me like a ton of bricks and brought me back to the time before I finally built up the courage to end it.  And it also reminds of how far I’ve come in the past 6 years…. 

Post # 60
Member
3058 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
beeyou10 :  Oh goodness… your updates about not feeling normal emotions and lying in therapy has striked some similarity in my real life.

Now, this is starting to sound like my friends husband. Overall, he is not a bad guy. He is ..not sure how to describe it. He is selectively social. He does not think/process/understand feelings the way normal people do. This is something their therapist brought up especially in regards to the way he interacts with his wife and child. 

He shows no emotion when his wife cries or is upset during an argument. He has gone as far to mock her

He will also pull out his phone and sit there at the table not socializing with anyone at family events. He will also hang out in his room playing games if the family is over at their house. 

They have a kid who he barely socializes with. Take him to park? No way. Play with home? Nah (unless he wants to watch dad play video games). Don’t get me wrong, he loves his kid. But the therapist literally had to explain to him WHY its important to show affection to your child. 

Had to explain WHY his wife needs attention. Those things dont come naturally to him. He has somewhat improved, but you can tell he does these things because the therapist told him he should, not because he wants to. 

And though things have improved, i still get random midnight texts of her wanting to leave, how unhappy she is, how he is a**hole. It is heart breaking. I understand its hard to leave and maybe one day she will get the courage together. She has suggested they go back to therapy and his response was “Why? Were not honest anyway” and she was like WHAT? You werent being honest? Basically telling the therapist what he *thought* was the correct response so they could stop going. 

I really hope this isnt the case with your husband, but some parts sound very similar. If he truly doesnt feel these things you are talking about, you are right, he isn’t going to suddenly start. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors