Looking for clarity.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 63
Member
2075 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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beeyou10 :  Thank you Jesus!  I’m so relieved for you bee and so proud of you!  Also, you should really be proud of yourself.  So many people in your position remain stuck for years but you took action in your best interest.  I know things are hard for you right now but I hope you’re seeing that light at the end of the tunnel.  Know that you WILL get through this stronger and wiser and I hope that when that incredible guy who’s looking for you shows up, you’ll be in a place to accept him and move forward to a REAL and happy future.

I really want to just hug you and tell you to hang in there….it does get better.

Post # 64
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

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beeyou10 :  Listen to 
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TwilightRarity : 

Don’t be afraid of this change, you can do this. 

I honestly have a hard time imagining myself in your place, you deserve so much better than this guy… I don’t believe he will change, and even if he did, the damage is done. You sound so unhappy, my heart goes out to you. 

I wouldn’t only speak to a therapist privately, but a lawyer too. 

Post # 65
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

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beeyou10 :  he puts football games before his own wife, can’t even believe it. 

Post # 66
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

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beeyou10 :  just read your update.

1. EWW to his text messages. Seriously.

2. I am SO happy to read that you are moving on with your life without him, that you now have the support of your family and that you saw a therapist individually. You are amazing. 

 

Post # 67
Member
2148 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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beeyou10 :  Don’t you love it that his complete delusion validates your decision? You’ve made the right choice, and your therapist will be a huge source of support for you through this time. I’m glad you’re going to keep seeing her. I’m also glad your family is now on board. I know the feeling of wanting them to understand; it does make a difference, because you want to be able to rely on their support, not fend off criticism.

This is going to be a very pivotal moment. When he realizes you’re serious about leaving (because it’s clear that right now, he doesn’t believe you), he will escalate. 

For instance, my narcissistic, OCPD ex husband wrote a four page letter to my parents and entire extended family that accused me of cheating and being incapable of taking care of myself independently. (Obviously both untrue.) THEN, he wanted to know what he could do to make things work between us, sent in his flying monkeys (his parents) to harass and try to convince me, and tried doing all the sweet things in the world he could think of that might convince me. The whole thing was so, so sad. It culminated in me moving out and him attempting to kick my mom out of the house when she came to keep me company while I packed. 

So, related… once he realizes you’re serious, you should not be alone with him. Move out in secret if you can, but if you can’t, someone needs to be there with you. For your safety, emotional health, etc. His texts are disturbing. Please don’t spend time with him alone. 

Post # 68
Member
7162 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

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beeyou10 :  I’m so happy to read your update! It’s wonderful that you are continuing to see the therapist on your own. It’s great that you got clear on what you needed to do for your life AND that you started taking action immediately. I’m also glad that you were able to make things clearer with your family.

I hope you find a great place to land and start to rebuild.

And, as disgusting as his comments were, it’s probably a blessing that your ex decided to double down on his POS behavior. I’d think it makes it easier to sever any last lingering ties.

Good luck! Keep us posted on your progress!

Post # 69
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2021 - Dracut, Massachusetts

Seriously? Anal? That’s all he could come up with in a text. What a worthless piece of trash human being. I loathe this dude just reading about him. Thank you, next!

Post # 70
Member
1890 posts
Buzzing bee

This is an amazing update. OP, you kick a**, truly. It is NOT easy to leave a situation where your self-esteem has been eroded and here you are doing it because it is for the best, despite everything. I hope you realize how incredible you are!

Post # 71
Member
8370 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Wow what a POS! So glad you’re moving on. Good luck bee! You’ve got an incredible life ahead! 

Post # 73
Member
3906 posts
Honey bee

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beeyou10 :  I am so very proud of you for taking this first step.  

Be prepared for a couple of things.  He might continue to try to emotionally manipulate you as you have already experienced with the texts and contacting your family, but he also might get upset that he can no longer control you and start to get angry. 

My recommendation is to try to treat this as a business transaction.  Leave emotion out of any of your conversations with him. 

You can scream and cry all you want when you aren’t with him, but just talk business when you see him.  Separating assets, bills, material posessions, who keeps the pets, etc.  Because when it comes down to it, marriage and divorce are legal contracts.  

When I went through my divorce and finally found my voice, my exH was no longer this confident individual.  He was so used to getting his way that I think I shocked him when i finally told him that it was over.  He did push back a little doing exactly what your H is doing and I said very sternly “we can either get this done quickly and cheaply or you can fight me on this and we can hire lawyers to fight it out.”  

In the end, he agreed that it was best to get it done quickly and cheaply and we agreed on what we each got (we were only married for 2.5 years, so we didn’t have much in terms of marital assets). 

Be strong.  It’s ok to be emotional about this…believe me, you will feel crazy at times…but it’s a business transaction.  Your contract is ending and you have to lay out the terms of the separation of that contract.  

Post # 75
Member
3906 posts
Honey bee

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beeyou10 :  he is spiraling and grasping at whatever he can.  He’s losing control of the situation so he is just trying whatever tactics he has left to control you.  Just stay strong and do not let emotion cloud you judgment. 

You might never get an answer to the “whys” and it’s hard to have been married to someone who becomes a complete stranger.  My therapist called it the guillotine affect.  One day you are married to this person and then the next day they are just out of your life completely.  You just never get answers and you never will.  It’s been 5 years since my divorce and sometimes it makes me sad that this person who was so important to me is just a memory.    

I saw a quote either during my divorce or right after, but it really helped me.

“I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry, and accept an apology I never received.”

 

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