Post # 61
Member33 posts
Newbee
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MemberPost # 62
Member33 posts
Newbee
- beeyou10
- 2 years ago
- Wedding: June 2018
**UPDATE**
I just wanted to provide everyone with an update and say thank you again to everyone who took the time to read everything I have said here and to provide thoughtful and meaningful responses. It truly means so much to me.
When I met with the therapist last Monday, she told me she was so happy that I booked a solo session because she wanted to hear from me without my husband in the room. Long story short, by the end of the session I knew what I had to do and while she did not directly tell me that this is not the relationship for me, she told me that what I need in a relationship he is not capable of giving me. I am going to continue to see her individually.
That therapy session sparked more time spent with family who finally understand everything and I think I, to some degree, needed that “approval” (?) to be content with moving on.
Things probably seem to be moving fast to the outside world, but after months of being really unhappy, I have also decided to move out. I have an application for an apartment pending. His response to all of this is confirmation that I am making the right decision. I won’t go into full details here unless someone asks, but two nights ago the message was, “Ok. You’ve had your fun. I get it. You can stop being stubborn now. The entire world knows you have a problem with me, but it’s time to cut the shit. You’re not moving out. You’re not signing a lease. Quit being so stubborn.” It was as if the last 6 months of my life and countless therapy sessions were just a game to him. I am going back and forth between staying with my mother and some really good friends until I land somewhere. I know I didn’t get into issues with our sex life on here before, but the message to me the night before that was, “If you’re leaving me you should at least let me do anal. That’s the least you can do. You’ve always known I’ve wanted to do that.” I wish I was kidding. I look forward to the day when I stop blaming myself for missing and/or excusing all of this bad behavior. I’m not there yet, but I will be.
Post # 63
Member2079 posts
Buzzing bee
- sablescorpion22
- 2 years ago
- Wedding: October 2018
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I really want to just hug you and tell you to hang in there….it does get better.
Post # 64
Member366 posts
Helper bee
- istanbee
- 2 years ago
- Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall
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Don’t be afraid of this change, you can do this.
I honestly have a hard time imagining myself in your place, you deserve so much better than this guy… I don’t believe he will change, and even if he did, the damage is done. You sound so unhappy, my heart goes out to you.
I wouldn’t only speak to a therapist privately, but a lawyer too.
Post # 65
Member366 posts
Helper bee
- istanbee
- 2 years ago
- Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall
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Post # 66
Member366 posts
Helper bee
- istanbee
- 2 years ago
- Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall
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1. EWW to his text messages. Seriously.
2. I am SO happy to read that you are moving on with your life without him, that you now have the support of your family and that you saw a therapist individually. You are amazing.
Post # 67
Member2214 posts
Buzzing bee
- bouviebee
- 2 years ago
- Wedding: City, State
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This is going to be a very pivotal moment. When he realizes you’re serious about leaving (because it’s clear that right now, he doesn’t believe you), he will escalate.
For instance, my narcissistic, OCPD ex husband wrote a four page letter to my parents and entire extended family that accused me of cheating and being incapable of taking care of myself independently. (Obviously both untrue.) THEN, he wanted to know what he could do to make things work between us, sent in his flying monkeys (his parents) to harass and try to convince me, and tried doing all the sweet things in the world he could think of that might convince me. The whole thing was so, so sad. It culminated in me moving out and him attempting to kick my mom out of the house when she came to keep me company while I packed.
So, related… once he realizes you’re serious, you should not be alone with him. Move out in secret if you can, but if you can’t, someone needs to be there with you. For your safety, emotional health, etc. His texts are disturbing. Please don’t spend time with him alone.
Post # 68
Member7188 posts
Busy Beekeeper
- TwilightRarity
- 2 years ago
- Wedding: September 2016
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I hope you find a great place to land and start to rebuild.
And, as disgusting as his comments were, it’s probably a blessing that your ex decided to double down on his POS behavior. I’d think it makes it easier to sever any last lingering ties.
Good luck! Keep us posted on your progress!
Post # 69
Member718 posts
Busy bee
- blondie603
- 2 years ago
- Wedding: April 2021 - Dracut, Massachusetts
Seriously? Anal? That’s all he could come up with in a text. What a worthless piece of trash human being. I loathe this dude just reading about him. Thank you, next!
Post # 70
Member1936 posts
Buzzing bee
- strawberrysakura
- 2 years ago
This is an amazing update. OP, you kick a**, truly. It is NOT easy to leave a situation where your self-esteem has been eroded and here you are doing it because it is for the best, despite everything. I hope you realize how incredible you are!
Post # 71
Member8395 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
- jellybellynelly
- 2 years ago
Wow what a POS! So glad you’re moving on. Good luck bee! You’ve got an incredible life ahead!
Post # 72
Member33 posts
Newbee
- beeyou10
- 2 years ago
- Wedding: June 2018
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Post # 73
Member3976 posts
Honey bee
- sharpshooter
- 2 years ago
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Be prepared for a couple of things. He might continue to try to emotionally manipulate you as you have already experienced with the texts and contacting your family, but he also might get upset that he can no longer control you and start to get angry.
My recommendation is to try to treat this as a business transaction. Leave emotion out of any of your conversations with him.
You can scream and cry all you want when you aren’t with him, but just talk business when you see him. Separating assets, bills, material posessions, who keeps the pets, etc. Because when it comes down to it, marriage and divorce are legal contracts.
When I went through my divorce and finally found my voice, my exH was no longer this confident individual. He was so used to getting his way that I think I shocked him when i finally told him that it was over. He did push back a little doing exactly what your H is doing and I said very sternly “we can either get this done quickly and cheaply or you can fight me on this and we can hire lawyers to fight it out.”
In the end, he agreed that it was best to get it done quickly and cheaply and we agreed on what we each got (we were only married for 2.5 years, so we didn’t have much in terms of marital assets).
Be strong. It’s ok to be emotional about this…believe me, you will feel crazy at times…but it’s a business transaction. Your contract is ending and you have to lay out the terms of the separation of that contract.
Post # 74
Member33 posts
Newbee
- beeyou10
- 2 years ago
- Wedding: June 2018
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I am concerned about things escalating. Not in a violent way (or at least I hope not). But, his comments are becoming increasly detached from reality to me. In addition to the comments I’ve already mentioned, he sent me a long text at work last week outlining how difficult it’s going to be for him to date because any woman who hears a marriage lasted 8 months will think he is a scumbag, etc etc etc. I unfortunately took the bait and engaged and said 1. how are you even in a place where you are contemplating dating – I haven’t even moved out yet; and 2. even if you are contemplating this, why do you think it’s appropriate to talk to me about it? It’s just becoming increasingly bizarre and I’m having a really hard time making any sense of it. The anal comment also came on the heels of him trying to make a move literally as we had just finished discussing the fact that I was moving out. On what planet and in what universe would I want to have sex with someone that I just told I was leaving. I know that none of this is “normal” behavior, but anyone have any ideas as far as rationalizing this? If it’s not obvious at this point, I am someone who is really bothered not knowing the “why” behind things.
Post # 75
Member3976 posts
Honey bee
- sharpshooter
- 2 years ago
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You might never get an answer to the “whys” and it’s hard to have been married to someone who becomes a complete stranger. My therapist called it the guillotine affect. One day you are married to this person and then the next day they are just out of your life completely. You just never get answers and you never will. It’s been 5 years since my divorce and sometimes it makes me sad that this person who was so important to me is just a memory.
I saw a quote either during my divorce or right after, but it really helped me.
“I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry, and accept an apology I never received.”