Looking for clarity.

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 92
Member
778 posts
Busy bee

beeyou10 :  Heck yes! You did make it happen quickly, that’s amazing. You’re going to feel so much better once you’re on the other side of this mess! 

My divorce was finalized three years ago, and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I went through the same things as you— sadness every so often, but there was a sense of relief and excitement at being able to be my own person and embark on my own journey to develop my professional and personal life. 

I think so much depends on personality, and lawyers… well… we’re strong personalities in general. If those personalities don’t mesh, that will inevitably lead to conflict. In my case, my ex wanted me to be the perfect housewife while working the same hours he did… and he would come home to play video games. Unfortunately, he would also criticize everything I did, from how I loaded the dishwasher, to the speed at which I did laundry, to the things I was eating. I was walking on eggshells. If a man wants a housewife, a woman with a career in law is probably not a good choice. If a man wants a compliant woman who will go along with his demands, someone with as much personality and as many opinions as me is NOT a good choice at alllll. I filed for divorce after I couldn’t take another moment of him gaslighting me. “We wouldn’t have to have these talks if you would just listen to me about how I want my clean laundry arranged in my closet!” and “I’m not doing counseling. The only problem we have in our marriage is that you’ve fabricated some problem with me.” 

Seriously, as a career-driven and financially independent woman, there is no call for anything less than an equal partnership. My SO is an accountant, also a strong personality and very driven, but he and I are true equals. We will mutually build a life together, because we respect each other and have no delusions as to how things “should” be. 

Post # 95
Member
524 posts
Busy bee

beeyou10 :  Your therapist sounds kickass. I’m so glad you have that support as you go through this!

Post # 98
Member
6003 posts
Bee Keeper

beeyou10 :  What the fuck! It’s not a big deal, its a HUGE FUCKING deal! 

Who’s name is on the car contract/loan? If your name isn’t on it, you’re probably better off to take your cash and GTFO and leave him the car. You will be lucky to see your half of that money, and will never see his half that was supposed to goto the down payment. 

eta – I forgot you are married. This whole thing is so shitty, I don’t think my above advice will work because any debt is likely “marital” and combined. 

Post # 99
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee

beeyou10 :  that is called financial infidelity and it’s definitely bad. 

Post # 100
Member
833 posts
Busy bee

Oh, bee, I remember reading your post a month ago, and it angered me.

Not that my voice counts for much, but please get out of this relationship. It’s not just him making you feel uncomfortable and not going over things with you how you’d liek to as a team…it’s also lying and lying by omission, concealment, and secrecy. Ten fold the reason to leave.

 

Seriously, therapy will help you, and your mental state while youre going through this, but it WILL NOT fix the problems you have with him because even if he did agree to talk about it all with you, he could still be concealing other things until you find out about it. I wouldnt even try to open up about all of this with him. It would only cause for you too fall backwards because Somethign tells me he is aware of what and how it effects you, and he is not only overlooking it, but it actually doesn’t bother him.  THATS HUGE, bee. HUGE.

 

Ughhh if I knew you, sincerely bee, if I knew you, I would not leave you until I made sure you were going to leave this man.  

Post # 102
Member
1260 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

beeyou10 :  He is a fucking sociopath, wow. Yeah, he’s probably blown that money on his side piece. So, sooooooo relieved he has been stripped of his “person suit” and you see him for that crazy fucker he really is.

Post # 103
Member
2580 posts
Sugar bee

beeyou10 :  Prepare yourself to stumbled across lots more HUGE things like this that he just shrugs over. He’s not the person you thought he was. That feeling is AWFUL. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 

Post # 104
Member
833 posts
Busy bee

beeyou10 :  Thats a killer…answers you may never recieve. Maybe its better you dont know, as you have enough reason leave. You dont need the extra hurt or stress he is hiding. Reading this is actually starting to bother me.

I pray this last week flies by so that you can start with a clean slate!

Post # 105
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

beeyou10 :  Oh man that is super tough, I am also the type of person that needs to know “why” and have a hard time letting go until I know! It sounds like you might not get those answers which will be quite frustrating. Do you at least know if he spent the money you transfered him or if he simply kept it? 

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