Looking for clarity.

posted 8 months ago in Relationships
Post # 106
Member
10704 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

beeyou10 :  

Bee, The “why” is his personality disorder.  If you google “Cluster B” (low/no conscience personality disorders per the DSM V), you will find your husband.

Knowledge is power. Get yourself informed about his disorder. Please don’t wrap yourself around the axel of looking for some rational explanation for behavior that is so far off the mainland.  His sole driver is self interest. Decent humans have a hard time understanding what that’s like.

This the only accurate “why” you are ever going to get.

Post # 109
Member
735 posts
Busy bee

beeyou10 :  

I think you have to realise, if you possibly can, that his ego is massively hurt by your choosing to split up with him and leave him. Anger is a very common emotion and reaction to a divorce from men, and this is likely to come out in a number of weird ways.

Believe me, deleting your Instagram history as a couple is minor.

I had a very amicable divorce but my ex-husband, who is and always has been a very calm and rational person, did some strange things when we were in the process of going through a divorce. He told me I needed to find another home for our dogs (whom I knew he loved) and that I had to move out of the house after new year, after agreeing that I could stay there until I found a place. I stood my ground but it was bizarre; the anger that came from him really surprised me.

You have to realise that, even though he was a jerk, he is still likely very hurt and is going to lash out. Just do whatever you need to do to look after yourself and maintain your sanity. If going off social media for a while will help, that’s a small price to pay.

Post # 110
Member
2687 posts
Sugar bee

beeyou10 :  I’m sorry that he did that, but people react in different ways.  Social Media is a hinderance during a break up/divorce and it really is best to step away or defriend/block him.  

Not social media, but with the idea of memories….When my exH and I were in the process of separating.  I had gone out of town and came home to find all of our pictures together in our condo were taken down and placed upside down in a corner.  I had thought about taking them down, but it was just something that I didn’t know how to handle at the time.  It made me sad.  They were happy memories and

You are going to experience so many different emotions during this time.  One day you will be happy and ready to take on life, the next you will be sad and that same day you might be angry.  It’s ok to feel all of the feelings.  You are mourning the loss of a life that you thought you were going to have and you have lost someone who was an important part of your life. 

This is the time to reach out to friends and family.  Lean on your nearest and dearest.  It’s a time to be surrounded by those who love you.  

 

Post # 111
Member
2219 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

beeyou10 :  As hard as this may be to accept, I think it’s pretty fair to say that this guy does NOT care about hurting you. 

Reading back through the thread, I notice he made a comment about how hard it would be for him to date if anyone knew about his 8 month marriage. Deleting you from IG is one way for him to shape his narrative in a light much more favorable to himself. He’s paving the way to make it easier to lie to anyone he wants to date. 

He can lie about how long you were together, he can pretend you were withdrawn and unsupportive. Crucially, he can lie about how long it’s been since you split up. Given that his mind immediately went to his post-breakup dating prospects, I’d lay money he’s already out there trying. Either online or in-person, he’s acting single. To his mind, he’s entitled to do whatever he wants now, including create the story he shares with everyone going forward; that you are unreasonable, cruel, and of course, crazy. 

Erasing you is just one more symptom of his pathologically selfish worldview. Since you aren’t compliant anymore, you are an obstacle to his pleasure. This is basically the worst sin you can commit, so of course he wants to take that power away from you any way he can. 

You just have to remember, none of this is about you. Everything he does, thinks, says are for his own benefit. 

It’s natural to be hurt when someone you have loved and devoted so much time and energy to acts like you never mattered – or existed. All that said, he kind of acted that way while you were together too. The difference now is that you can take all your love and care and focus it on yourself. You can free yourself from his manipulation and cruelty. All you are really losing is an emotional anchor. 

When you are so used to that pain, it’s easy to feel lost and confused once it’s gone. You’ve been compensating for his added weight for so long, you barely know how it feels to be without it. It’s like wearing weighted boots for years, and then trying to walk normally once they are off; at first you take big exaggerated steps. I promise, as hard and weird as everything feels right now, you will learn to adapt and embrace your freedom. 

You are an incredibly strong person. You have acted as an advocate for yourself, and made the best choice for your own future. He’s angry at you for all of that. That’s how you know you’re doing it right. 

Good on you. 

Post # 112
Member
1171 posts
Bumble bee

Understand that what he is doing is all about him and his ego. Nothing else matters to him. Nothing.

I am so glad you are out of this marriage. Don’t take his treatment of you to heart. This type of personality is incapable of having any meaningful relationship with anyone other than who they see in the mirror.

 

Post # 113
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee

He did that intentionally TO hurt you. He’s spent years intentionally inflicting pain as a manipulation tool. He’s doing it now a) b/c it’s habit at this point and b) for all the reasons teamroro mentioned. 

Take his power away by NOT allowing him to hurt you! Do the opposite of what he’s used to you doing. Get EXCITED all those photos (and their baggage) are gone. Tell him thanks with a big smile on your face!

I’m so happy you’re escaping this guy.

Post # 114
Member
664 posts
Busy bee

I’m going to give another perspective on this IG thing – When I’ve gone through break-ups, the first thing I do is delete every single picture/post about that person. It’s my way of ‘detoxing’ in a way. We advise many bees on here to do that when they are going through a breakup. So quite honestly, even though your husband is an absolute d-bag and I’m so happy you go out of this, I don’t think he did it to hurt you at all.

You should do the same thing. Get rid of all that stuff. All it does is screw with your emotions. You think you’re good and moving on and then see a picture and out of nowhere you feel these sad feelings – no matter how much you hate him, sometimes those stupid sad feelings come in the beginning. But deleteing those pictures prevents that.

Post # 116
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2017 - Maui, Hawaii

I know the wounds are still fresh but one day the only thoughts you’ll have about seeing him with a new girlfriend are “that poor woman” and “I’m so glad I got out”. I speak from experience. 

Post # 117
Member
735 posts
Busy bee

beeyou10 :  

I am really sorry that you have to see that and have it pushed in your face. Do you think it could help you to unfollow or block him on social media, or even go off social media altogether yourself for a while? That is certainly what I would do.

This is actually very common – the diving straight into a new fling or relationship right on the heels of a separation or break up. It doesn’t make it any less painful for you as the other partner, but perhaps that fact might give you some comfort. The person is seeking validation, a way to boost their bruised ego, to distract themselves and soothe the hurt they are feeling.

Just know that this new “relationship” means absolutely nothing and I can almost guarantee you that it either will not last or will be a complete mess. Just be thankful that it is no longer your mess to deal with.

Sending hugs to you.

Post # 118
Member
1455 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

There are plenty of ways to compromise his love of the game and your needs.  My worry is that he doesn’t seem at all interested in your happiness which should be #1.  

I hope therapy will help you find some clarity in your situation.  I’d strongly consider divorce to living the way you have been.  If can change and start putting you first then maybe.  But it’s not just “less football” it’s care about me!

Post # 120
Member
10704 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

beeyou10 :  

I am sorry, Bee.  Not sorry that you got rid of the arsehole; on that, I salute you.  But, I am sorry for the rough time you have to go through.

He was grooming the next victim before he was done with you; that’s in the Narcissist’s Handbook.  It’s necessary to avoid disruptions in the flow of Narcissistic Supply.

You may want to advise friends and family to brace themselves in case he launches the traditional Smear Campaign.  If he’s too preoccupied with his current quarry, he may not bother.

Traumatic bonds are harder to break than healthy ones, Bee.  You may want to read some Dr Patrick J Cranes on that topic.

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