(Closed) Looking for some advice

posted 4 years ago in Parenting
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  • Post # 31
    Member
    413 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    Yes, DEFINITELY tell them! Imagine if it was you, and your parents had kept a sibling from you. Wouldn’t you be upset? I would be furious. They have a right to know and have a relationship with their brother. Don’t be the one that won’t let that happen. Because the older they get, the worse it’s going to be when you do tell them. You have to see it from their perspective.

    Post # 32
    Member
    631 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    BrynneF :  This is so hard, because everyone is so different and has a different take on family. For me personally, I grew up with a deadbeat dad, who decides about every 2-3 years he wants to talk to me. He has been married 3-4 more times, and although I am not aware of any children he has fathered, I wouldnt care. I would not consider any of these people my siblings, and I would refuse to meet them.

    I am happy with my family, my life, and I do not want people brought into it to cause drama. I do not speak to my father’s siblings, or parents, nor do I consider any of them my “family”. Sure, we may be blood related, but I do not have a relationship with them, nor do I want one.

    After all, what if your ex has more children you dont even know about? I would do your research before making any decisions.  

    Post # 33
    Member
    899 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    What ever you decide to do about meeting up you have to tell them and make it part of general conversation. My DH grew up knowing his “dad” is his step dad (well they told him at 6) but he never saw his biological dad. One day while out drinking a guy comes up and introduces himself as his brother. He has a brother and sister via his biological dad he didn’t find out until he was 32! There is only a couple of years between them and they lived in the same small city. He said after that he freaked thinking what if he had accidentally slept with his sister one day without knowing! 

    Post # 35
    Member
    265 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    If I were in your place, I’m not sure if I would tell them. I would probably talk to my DH and decide together. I would consider him to have pretty much an equal say as he is raising the girls as well.

    Personally, I think a 5 and 7 year old are perfectly capable of handling the news. My father had two daughters with another woman when I was young. I didn’t really understand the logistics of it at first, but I just took what my mother told me and as I got older I understood more. I met my half sisters a few times when they were babies/toddlers, but I lost touch with my father and haven’t seen them since (although we reconnected on FB a few years ago and they’ll be coming to my wedding).

    So although your daughters may not entirely understand, I feel like they’ll be okay with whatever explanation they give you, and they’ll add to that understanding as they get older. And I do think that you should tell them sooner rather than later, because when they are older they will understand the hugeness of it more and may resent not knowing before. (And they will find out when the little boy is old enough to find them on Facebook)

    As for whether or not they should actually meet him, again, that’s up to you and your DH. I don’t see the harm in it personally, but again, up to you and your DH.

    Post # 36
    Member
    1401 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    Haven’t read the comments, but DH has at least one sibling, if not more, that he doesn’t really know. Never met, never seen, just knows one (or more) exists from his fathers first marriage – and doesn’t ever WANT to meet him/them. DH is 28 and has never wavered on his decision to not try to build that relationship. I think you should let your daughter decide when she is older and able to process this.

    Post # 37
    Member
    1196 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I would meet with the mother first to feel her out and then decide about the kids.

    Post # 38
    Member
    1382 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA

    I would not hesitate to have them meet.  They are siblings!  They don’t have to be best friends, but  I’d at least tell them about each other and let them meet. Or even just tell your daughters that the boy exists, and tell them when they’re older they can meet.  Or something!!  Please don’t hide this from them.  

    Post # 39
    Member
    197 posts
    Blushing bee

    I would explain to my children that they have a half-sibling out there, a brother, and see what they say. Do they want to meet him or do they show little to no interest at the time? I don’t see the harm in letting your children get to know their brother — even if the situation is a bit awkward at first.

    You said you enjoy your blended family now, so I don’t think you’d have any trouble adding more member into that family. If it was me, I’d want to know my siblings. I wouldn’t hold past situations and circumstances against the half-sibling.

    Post # 40
    Member
    1290 posts
    Bumble bee

    I would not have the children meet one another. Their father, in their eyes, is your  dh, not their bio dad or even his family…so it’s not like there is some kind of a meaningful relationship/connection. 

    Finding out that this unknown man who helped make them and is not part of their lives, screwed around on you and abandoned them will do nothing to add to the quality of their lives .  Having a periodic play date with a boy who is a  stranger to them proves nothing, in my opinion

    I would  honor your dh’s wishes on this. Don’t add any stress or worry to their lives. They have a dad who loves them. 

    Post # 41
    Member
    1463 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2011

    Is it possible for you to meet with the other mother to scope out a bit more detail? I do think the kids have a right to meet and  build a relationship with their siblings but I do think it needs to be approached in a sensitive manner. You might also want to get in touch with a therapist / councillor / social worker who could help all three parties (the kids and both sets of parents) work through this.

    Post # 42
    Member
    7706 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    I agree that if your DH, the person your children view as their dad, doesn’t agree, then don’t have them meet. I have to agree with SmartCookie1 that having periodic playdates with strangers accomplishes nothing and will only be awkward. IMO, who their biological father messed around with and the person/people who resulted from it are not your (or their) issue.

    Post # 43
    Member
    3164 posts
    Sugar bee

    I think I would let them know the dad who helped make them also helped make another little boy and leave it at that for now. I know you mention you don’t want them to feel any loss that their bio dad isn’t in their lives but you can’t protect them from that. They’ll figure it out at some point and they’ll feel whatever they feel. Lucky for them they have an amazing mum and dad at home so one would hope they will be happy and well adjusted. 

    When I was 19 I found out my mum had adopted my older brother out. Although I never held it against her I did feel betrayed that someone I thought I knew had been able to withhold that sort of info from me. I probably wouldn’t go down that path with my own kids 

    Post # 45
    Member
    1740 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    +1 on tell them and let them meet.  They are siblings, and may (or may not) have connections that they will enjoy and appreciate as they grow up.  Let the kids decide how much they like each other, and how much contact they want to have.  It would be good for all of them, and to not allow it is to punish them for something that is none of their fault.

    I also think that your kids may well be quite angry with you if they find out about this when they get older.  I think I would be.  Openness and honesty is good for all involved.

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