MemberYes, DEFINITELY tell them! Imagine if it was you, and your parents had kept a sibling from you. Wouldn’t you be upset? I would be furious. They have a right to know and have a relationship with their brother. Don’t be the one that won’t let that happen. Because the older they get, the worse it’s going to be when you do tell them. You have to see it from their perspective.
MemberI am happy with my family, my life, and I do not want people brought into it to cause drama. I do not speak to my father’s siblings, or parents, nor do I consider any of them my “family”. Sure, we may be blood related, but I do not have a relationship with them, nor do I want one.
After all, what if your ex has more children you dont even know about? I would do your research before making any decisions.
MemberWhat ever you decide to do about meeting up you have to tell them and make it part of general conversation. My DH grew up knowing his “dad” is his step dad (well they told him at 6) but he never saw his biological dad. One day while out drinking a guy comes up and introduces himself as his brother. He has a brother and sister via his biological dad he didn’t find out until he was 32! There is only a couple of years between them and they lived in the same small city. He said after that he freaked thinking what if he had accidentally slept with his sister one day without knowing!
MemberMemberIf I were in your place, I’m not sure if I would tell them. I would probably talk to my DH and decide together. I would consider him to have pretty much an equal say as he is raising the girls as well.
Personally, I think a 5 and 7 year old are perfectly capable of handling the news. My father had two daughters with another woman when I was young. I didn’t really understand the logistics of it at first, but I just took what my mother told me and as I got older I understood more. I met my half sisters a few times when they were babies/toddlers, but I lost touch with my father and haven’t seen them since (although we reconnected on FB a few years ago and they’ll be coming to my wedding).
So although your daughters may not entirely understand, I feel like they’ll be okay with whatever explanation they give you, and they’ll add to that understanding as they get older. And I do think that you should tell them sooner rather than later, because when they are older they will understand the hugeness of it more and may resent not knowing before. (And they will find out when the little boy is old enough to find them on Facebook)
As for whether or not they should actually meet him, again, that’s up to you and your DH. I don’t see the harm in it personally, but again, up to you and your DH.
MemberHaven’t read the comments, but DH has at least one sibling, if not more, that he doesn’t really know. Never met, never seen, just knows one (or more) exists from his fathers first marriage – and doesn’t ever WANT to meet him/them. DH is 28 and has never wavered on his decision to not try to build that relationship. I think you should let your daughter decide when she is older and able to process this.
MemberI would meet with the mother first to feel her out and then decide about the kids.
MemberI would not hesitate to have them meet. They are siblings! They don’t have to be best friends, but I’d at least tell them about each other and let them meet. Or even just tell your daughters that the boy exists, and tell them when they’re older they can meet. Or something!! Please don’t hide this from them.
MemberI would explain to my children that they have a half-sibling out there, a brother, and see what they say. Do they want to meet him or do they show little to no interest at the time? I don’t see the harm in letting your children get to know their brother — even if the situation is a bit awkward at first.
You said you enjoy your blended family now, so I don’t think you’d have any trouble adding more member into that family. If it was me, I’d want to know my siblings. I wouldn’t hold past situations and circumstances against the half-sibling.
MemberI would not have the children meet one another. Their father, in their eyes, is your dh, not their bio dad or even his family…so it’s not like there is some kind of a meaningful relationship/connection.
Finding out that this unknown man who helped make them and is not part of their lives, screwed around on you and abandoned them will do nothing to add to the quality of their lives . Having a periodic play date with a boy who is a stranger to them proves nothing, in my opinion
I would honor your dh’s wishes on this. Don’t add any stress or worry to their lives. They have a dad who loves them.
MemberIs it possible for you to meet with the other mother to scope out a bit more detail? I do think the kids have a right to meet and build a relationship with their siblings but I do think it needs to be approached in a sensitive manner. You might also want to get in touch with a therapist / councillor / social worker who could help all three parties (the kids and both sets of parents) work through this.
MemberI agree that if your DH, the person your children view as their dad, doesn’t agree, then don’t have them meet. I have to agree with SmartCookie1 that having periodic playdates with strangers accomplishes nothing and will only be awkward. IMO, who their biological father messed around with and the person/people who resulted from it are not your (or their) issue.
MemberI think I would let them know the dad who helped make them also helped make another little boy and leave it at that for now. I know you mention you don’t want them to feel any loss that their bio dad isn’t in their lives but you can’t protect them from that. They’ll figure it out at some point and they’ll feel whatever they feel. Lucky for them they have an amazing mum and dad at home so one would hope they will be happy and well adjusted.
When I was 19 I found out my mum had adopted my older brother out. Although I never held it against her I did feel betrayed that someone I thought I knew had been able to withhold that sort of info from me. I probably wouldn’t go down that path with my own kids
Member
Member+1 on tell them and let them meet. They are siblings, and may (or may not) have connections that they will enjoy and appreciate as they grow up. Let the kids decide how much they like each other, and how much contact they want to have. It would be good for all of them, and to not allow it is to punish them for something that is none of their fault.
I also think that your kids may well be quite angry with you if they find out about this when they get older. I think I would be. Openness and honesty is good for all involved.
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