(Closed) looking for some advice

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Everyone has different levels of privacy within their relationship, but I would be upset if my boyfriend/ FI/ husband didn’t “friend” me.  Some couples share the page itself. 

Both issues together add up to y’all needing better communication, but maybe not to anything more than that.

Post # 4
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@unknow123:

I don’t know how facebook works, but maybe after a certain time, you have to resend a friend request or something? I don’t really think that’s a huge deal, but then, I don’t facebook.

The escort thing, though… at first I said to myself, “Oh, maybe he’s looking for a bachelor party or something,” but that’s clearly not the case. (At least he didn’t lie about it.) That would bother me a lot.

I think you really need to have a serious talk about these things. It might just be that he’s confused, and that keeping his facebook to himself and looking at these other women isn’t about infidelity so much as he’s feeling subsumed by coupledom.  Or he could be a lying whoremonger. But you won’t know until you talk about it.

Post # 5
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

He has something to hide , and might be cheating on you , this is not normal.  IMO 

Post # 6
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I would be FURIOUS. I don’t think you are being silly or pathetic. If My Fiance wouldn’t add me to fb I would believe he had something to hide. 

Porn is one thing, escorts…………… 

If I were you I would have a talk with him. A long serious talk. I wouldn’t ignore it. Communication is key for a helathy relationship. And if you ignore issues one day they will come back to bite you. And when they come back it is always worse than if you had just dealt with it in the first place. 

Also: He may just feel that his facebook is something that he shares with the guys and doesn’t want you to invade his “man space”… But still he should just come out and say it. And personally even then I wouldn’t let it slide. I am a bit of a drama queen when it comes to this stuff. To me he shouldn’t care if I am on his face book. And if he did in the slightest I would raise some hell. I have been cheated on before and now I am uber cautious and a little over bearing… 

 

Post # 7
Member
1199 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@unknow123: Honestly I think the facebook thing is not a good sign personally.  I dated a guy a while ago and found out he had blocked me from IM, had a ‘myspace’ page (obviously this was pre-facebook) and never told me.  Then after we broke up I found he had just been cutting me out of a lot of his life!

And the escort thing is just kind of odd…

But as PP said, maybe he just likes FB to be a guy thing….everyone is different.

Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
858 posts
Busy bee

@CanadianMermaid: that was my thought too, Op this is not normal at all and please dont let it go until you get all the information you need. You deserve to get as much info as you can so you can decide what you want to do

Post # 9
Member
7291 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

What is the difference between looking at porn and looking at the website of women down the road? They aren’t you and he is potentially getting pleasure from them.

I think you should open up the lines of communication more with him. Let him know about facebook and what your needs are to feel valued in the relationship.

Post # 10
Member
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

there are a LOT of red flags here.  I am so sorry you are going through this.  It is SO easy to add you as a FB friend, which is what makes it feel like such a big deal to me.  If he lost his password, he probbaly could have retrieved it in under 5 minutes. 

Something is way off.

Post # 11
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@CanadianMermaid:THIS

Maybe it’s just the fear of coming off as “attached”, but if I were you I’d talk to him immdiately about it, and tell him that it bothers you. You guys are ENGAGED to be MARRIED. It’s not a fly-by-night sort of relationship that you don’t let people know about. It’s the real thing, and a legal thing. I agree about the porn thing… but the escort thing is really disturbing. It’s like saying “hey! Here I am! Wanna meet!”. I know it’s tough to hear, and I’m so so sorry you’re going through this, but the internet is the easiest way to “cheat” without “cheating”. He doesn’t have to physically be in contact with these other people, but is still “browsing”. He has you, he doesn’t need to browse!

Post # 12
Member
1527 posts
Bumble bee

The escort thing is just…bizarre. And not okay. I don’t understand why someone would go on an escort site if they weren’t looking into getting one. Porn is porn…it’s just visual. Escorts are even worse than going to a strip club…

As for the facebook thing, it sounds like he has something to hide. My ex had a myspace that was his “normal” one and then he had one that he pretty much flirted with girls on and had another girlfriend on. Strangely, he added one of our mutual friends on the flirty one after we broke up and she showed it to me, confirming that he’d been cheating on me for more than half our relationship.

Post # 13
Member
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree that he’s hiding something…

Post # 14
Member
2586 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Looking at porn – no big deal – Looking at escorts?  YEAH…. Im sorry hun, I don’t buy his excuse. If he was just “looking”, why escorts and not regular porn? And if he “felt disgusting” why is it websites instead of website? 

Without getting yourself in a really bad situation, is there a way you can check his phone or bank statements for any proof that he may have actually paid an escort?   I don’t normally advocate spying, but that behavior is bizarre and his explanation would not be enough for me to feel OK about marrying him…

The facebook thing by itself wouldn’t bother me, but combined with the escort thing, I totally understand the way you’re feeling.

Post # 15
Member
1489 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Something is not right…..

 

Post # 16
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

He’s looking at escort services?!! That is NOT normal, it is NOT like looking at porn. IMO it is practically like catching him picking up a prostitute. Definitely not ok and super sketchy, especially coupled with his facebook activity.

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