(Closed) Looking for Support and Advice

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
9687 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Firefly87:   You’re not a horrible person. 

My advice is follow your HEART and trust your GUT.  If you deny listening to your inner instinct about what is right for your life, you’ll have years of suffering to pay for it.  You deserve to live the life you choose, and you don’t have to follow anyone else’s rules about it.

It won’t be easy breaking away from him.  But you will be FREE.  Won’t that feel so good

Post # 4
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I was really excited about getting engaged, and then had an OMG THE REST OF MY LIFE IS THIS OKAY freak out that lasted a month or so. I think it’s normal to question whether you should have experienced more alone. If you think he’s your forever person, giving him up would be a really terrible mistake.

Post # 5
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@Firefly87:  A good counselor won’t tell you what you need to do, you have to figure it out on your own and it sounds like you have.  I generally do not support a break in a relationship but in your case it sounds like one is needed so you can live independently for a few months (or years) with the option of returning to the relationship.

Talk to your Boyfriend or Best Friend and find out if he is supportive of this and if so, set up the ground rules of how long and whether you can date other people during the break.  Be prepared though because he may want a full break where you both live independently and can both date other people.

I think if you don’t take a break down, you will always wonder and it will damage your relationship in the longrun.  A break might make your relationship stronger when you get back together or it may convince you that there are other people out there that are more suited for you.  Either way, I think you win.

Post # 6
1101 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Firefly87:  Listen to your gut. You are not a horrible person for not wanting to get married this young.  There are a lot of changes ahead for you. It seems to me from your words above that you do wish to explore those new paths.

Best of luck to you.

Post # 7
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Listen to your gut, just don’t expect he will be waiting for you in the future – that wouldn’t be fair to either of you. I think it’s incredibly important to experience being single and dating around and being on your own before settling down.  I used to be a serial relationship person – jumping from one to the next to the next.  It wasn’t until I was single and on my own that I really grew as a person and figured out what I wanted out of life and a relationship and was able to meet my Darling Husband and have the most wonderful relationship.  Sure, he’s a wonderful guy and that makes the relationship great, but also the experiences I had while single and what I learned about myself have also been incredibly important in making our relationship great! Good luck! Break ups are never easy for either involved, but they’re usually very much worth it in the end!

Post # 8
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I totally get you!  I used to think, “this is it, I’m stuck here forever!”  My boyfriend at the time was a wonderful guy- honest,hard working, kind, etc etc. I had no good reason to break it off.  However, I realized that I needed someone different, and even moreso,I needed to be single, so that I could get really picky about who I committed to next. I just didn’t know how to do it, because we were about to move into the same apartment (we had dated for 4 years starting in college).  I started having daydreams about him dying in a plane crash or something… some way to be free without it being my fault for breaking it off. I realized that this was awful and crazy, but I didn’t have the strength to break it off without some big reason. Was I being ridiculous?  Ungrateful?  Doesn’t every relationship involve compromise?

One summer, I went home to work my summer job, and realized that I enjoyed the distance between us.  My friends were telling me to break it off and that I didn’t need some terrible thing in the relationship to happen for it to be validated.

It was so terrible. I came back from the summer, 2 days before we moved in together, and broke up with him.  There were a lot of tears(from me), and I felt so so badly.  It was so awkward at first.  I felt like I ruined his life. 

However, I felt free.  Finally I had control of my life. Also, I had done some growing up in my early twenties, and I had a better outlook and better judgement about what I liked and needed from someone.  Also, I would have eventually grown to resent my ex-boyfriend if we had gotten married.  How would it have been for him to have married me, and then not gotten my all 10 years down the road?  He took it really hard, but eventually he found somebody else. I hope this person can love him the way that he loves her.  I don’t want to have a mediocre marriage.  I want a soulmate. 

By freeing myself up, I could surround myself with the people that meant the most to me.  I strengthened my friend relationships, and didn’t waste time with people who didn’t complete me.   It was by living the life that truly made me happy, and not letting friends and men who are not adding happiness and positivity to my life waste my time that I was ready to meet the man that would change my life.  I would never have been able to meet my fiance, if I hadn’t layed the groundwork to be ready for him.  You need to be who you are meant to be, and you need to free your self and time up, so that if you do meet the right person, you are ready!


Post # 9
2610 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI

@MrsWBS:  +1 


 I agree that being single and on your own can be an important time in your life. I went from one relationship starting in high school ages 16-19 to another in college 19-23, that’s 7 years in a relatioship and once the college one ended and I started graduate school I had just had enough of the relationship drama with guys my age and stayed single for 5 years! I finished grad school, moved out on my own to a new city, moved again back to my home state but a new city. Really established myself and learned to grow up and be happy just being me all by myself. It really was a great time. I loved having an apartment all to myself where if I wanted to watch 8 hours of TV on a rainy day no one was complaining about seeing yet another episode of Sex and the City. LOL. I really don’t think I would have my current wonderful relationship with my SO had I not had this time. It gave me so much confidence to know exactly what I want out of life. So now I have no doubt about comitting to SO for life and look forward to that next phase.

If you’re really feeling like you need that time on your own then listen to your gut. It’s the fairest thing for you and your bf.




Post # 11
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I really believe that if you’re meant to be with someone, you’ll find a way to be together.  Listen to your gut – if you’re having doubts now, they’re not going get better just because you get married.  You’re not selfish.  I think it is healthy to live on your own and find out what makes you happy before you get married.  How can you expect to find happiness with another person if you’ve never found happiness of your own? 

I married my ex husband because I thought I was too late to change my mind, and I figured I just had pre-wedding jitters or something.  We were engaged, plans were made, people were invited and there and I didn’t want to be the  bride that called everything off at the last minute. 

This time it’s different.  I’m freaked out that my engagement shoot is on a Sunday, and I can’t find a hair stylist to come out on her day off and style my hair.  I’m freaked out that I might choose beef and then decide that I like the pork better.  But I’m not freaked out about HIM.  He’s the one part of the entire wedding that I have no doubts and no fears about.  Well, a small fear that he’ll make silly faces at me when I’m walking down the aisle just to make me laugh.  But there’s no weird gut feeling of “something is wrong”.  None.

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