(Closed) Looking to uninvite someone to my wedding

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 62
Member
554 posts
Busy bee

This thread has got me thinking now about my 20 yr old cousin who has a gf that he’s been dating for 2 years now… hmmmmmm :/

Post # 63
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@cmsciulli:  Thanks for confiming this, all wedding attendants agreed but it seems some people on the bee have much differing opinions (which I do expect) but I say if the area is gray, go with your gut and the opinions of those closest to you. 

 

Post # 64
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Etiquette Snob here.

Reply # 6 by Brielle: is correct.

From an Etiquette point of view, one is a social unit ONLY WHEN there is a visible indication of some “seriousness” to the relationship… and that translates to in modern times as…  Married, Engaged, Common Law Married / Living Together… “Dating” even long term, is not considered to be “serious” or a “social unit” by Etiquette standards.

That isn’t to say that one HAS TO follow the Rule of Etiquette… one can invite whomever they wish including single friends and their SOs… or single friends with a Plus One (and then they can bring whomever they choose… be that a Date, their best friend, or even their Mom)

* As another Bee said, those under 18 years old are already part of a Family Social Unit… so they don’t qualify for a Plus One (unless again the Host so decides to extend that offer)

As to this guy’s Invite status…

A Save The Date… is a NOTIFICATION… and NOT AN INVITATION.  It is a heads up that there is a social event to take place in the near future (the same way an ad in the Newspaper tells you that your favourite Rock Star is coming to town… it is not a Ticket to the event !!)

NO Invitation has been extended until one actually has an INVITATION IN HAND

Period

Now his calling you out on the situation is beyond rude.  This is not his event, it is yours.  You are the Host so YOU get to decide the Guest List.

I’d be tempted not to issue him an Invite at all.

(And Mrs Astor would be proud… she never took well to being bullied by folks who were rude)

But as someone else said, that is a fine line to walk… in that some might see you as being rude by doing so (eye-for-an-eye)… more so if he’s the type who has a BIG MOUTH and wouldn’t hesitate to tell others (guessing he is).  And before you know it your so called Bridezilla reputation would be all over facebook

8-} * rolls eyes*

So the choice is yours.

(This is EXACTLY WHY I am not a fan of STDs… they are often more trouble than they are worth as circumstances can change sooooo drastically from the moment they go into the mail early days post Engagement BEFORE so many details have been ironed out.  PLEASE FOLKS let’s have sanity prevail, and go back to Engagement Announcements if we do anything at all)

On the other hand…

You could just make a mental note… and put him (actually his Plus One) at the top of your B-List Invites, if you so wish, and thereby satisfy what we can only assume is the reason he’s “b!tchin” to begin with.

Hope this helps,

EDIT TO ADD – I see that the situation came about because the guy decided to call on behalf of a mutual friend (not himself).  Lol, which makes him a real busy-body.  His calling you out on this was BEYOND RUDE… someone needs to tell him to mind his own business.  (Lol, I’d be even more tempted to not send him an Invite now).

 

Post # 66
Member
1781 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

There’s nothing rude about not extending a +1.  If you’re inviting married/engaged/living togethers, they would be listed on the invitation anyway.  I’m going to be putting +1s for the single people that I’m inviting, but I don’t have many, and since they’re all out of state, I doubt they’re going to take me up on it. 

I strongly believe that you should invite married/engaged/living together couples as a pair.  However, I think that grownups are capable of entertaining themselves.  I also think that as a good hostess, you would seat people together that may share common interests (as in, don’t sit the one single person with 4 other married couples that are only going to talk amongst themselves).

Technically, you sent a STD, so he should receive an invitation.  However, I think his behavior was so far out of line, that you would be well within reason to lose his invitation before it was mailed.

Post # 67
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

@MrsPHopefully:  If you are inviting him you should invite her too, or you might offend him, her, your Aunt and Uncle, etc.

Post # 68
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

@SmthngBlu8:  They might give you some push back, being excited to go to a wedding and have a gf/bf.  But from what I have read and been told via my family, you are just fine etiquette wise.  Now, if somehow you can accomodate their SO’s and want to, more power to ya.  But you shouldn’t get side-eyed for not doing it. 😉

Post # 69
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@cmsciulli:  Absolutely. And once we get the final head count we will definitely accomodate those if we can. But being at our “invite maximum” we have to do what we can while style being great hosts 🙂

Post # 70
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

@SmthngBlu8:  I’m just thinking outloud, but you could also do something similar to what the OP did with her friend who began dating someone after she sent out her STDs. . . see who declines and then consider offering your younger cousins to bring dates, provided there are enough declining guests to allow them all to bring a date.

Otherwise that might be a headache if some can bring and others can’t, oy!

 

Post # 71
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@cmsciulli:  yea, that’s what I was saying in my last post. If we can accomodate them after getting final head count back, we definitely will.

Post # 72
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

@This Time Round:  Yeah the poor OP’s situation is making me think about whether or not I even want to bother with STDs.  I always kind of thought they were an invention of photographers and thte wedding industry 😉

Post # 73
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

We’re having a small wedding and we’re definitely not extending +1’s to our guests unless we are also friends with their SO. Some of my FI’s friends have a new girlfriend every two weeks. Why should I pay for a meal for some random girl that we’ll probably never see again when we can’t even afford to invite all of our family members?

Post # 75
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee

@TypeABride2013:  First, “save the date” cards are themselves not in the best of taste by the standards of etiquette. They seem to have been borrowed from the norms of the convention industry with its advanced advertising brochures, and their brazen demands that people “save the date” and plan their lives around your future event (to which they are not yet invited) seem rather encroaching. Etiquette would have you write personal individual letters to the people you simply “must” have at your wedding, telling them your good news and indicating your plans; and take your place in line with all the other brides and life events vying for the attention of all the other guests who do not qualify as “simply must haves”.

As a result, etiquette does not have a rule that “you must invite everyone to whom you send an STD”. It has the more general rule that you do not discuss parties with people unless you plan to invite them — and I agree that a “darling venue, but small/expensive!” is not a valid reason to change such plans. Utter boorishness on the part of someone you previously thought to be a gentleman, however, is a reason to change your mind about inviting him. Remember that you are vouching for every one of your guests, as an assurance to your other guests that they will be in good, pleasant, safe company. Can you vouch for this man, that he will behave with decorum to your other guests? If not (and how could you!) then in fact you must NOT invite him.

As for the question of “plus ones”, do not be mislead on that matter either. Formal etiquette rules that spouses, and people engaged to become spouses, must both be invited to your party any time either one of them is invited — unless it is a gendered affair. People’s living together without legal registration is NOT something unique to “today’s world. Indeed, if I hunt, I can find a primary source document of a eighteenth century priest’s letter to his bishop, explaining that “if I were to admit to the sacrament only those couples whose marriage is duly registered, my church would be all but empty” or words to that effect. What is new — since the relatively recent advent of central record-keeping — is that the law refuses to recognize “marriage by habit and repute”, which etiquette continues to recognize. It’s called “common law” for a reason, you know.

True, that you find the “every SO must be invited” advice ubiquitously on wedding boards at the moment. I think I can put my finger on the very post* about eighteen months ago, that tipped the balance toward that advice from the former wedding-board norm of “all married, engaged, cohabiting and long-term couples must be invited” advice. No reputable etiquette authority (not counting internet community wedding boards as a “reputable etiquette authority”) supports the change, or even the former “and long-term” addendum. The argument usually goes “but, weddings are all about ~love~, so how can you be judgemental about other people’s ~love~ when you are celebrating your own ~love~”. That argument is specious. Weddings are not about ~love~: the very people making the argument are simultaneously arguing that their love is wonderful and important even though they have NOT had, nor are having, a wedding. Weddings are about *marriage*: a permanent committed relationship being publicly declared before the community at large. Engagements have the same force of declaring public the intent to make a permanent commitment. Openly acknowledged cohabitation implies similar public commitment (and any improbable persons who openly declare that there is nothing permanent about their cohabitation would not need to be treated as married.) So, any “SOs” who feel that they want the significance of their relationship to be recognized, need only publicly declare their permanent commitment to each other. That is called “getting engaged.”

All that being said, etiquette does not allow anyone to “get a plus one”. Guests are *people*, not accessories of a fellow guest. Every guest must be invited by his or her own name, written into an invitation sent to his or her own home address; and must be made welcome in his or her own right — regardless of the fact that they are someone else’s “significant other”.  Supposing the boor in the original post, instead of being abusive, had called to ask “can I bring my chick-of-the-week?” You could then reply “Oh! are you engaged? Congratulations; how exciting. What is her name and address: I must send her an invitation!” You would then send the lady an invitation directly. That way no-one can complain because “so-and-so got a plus one and I didn’t, Waaahn!” No-one know whether you invited her at another guest’s request, or because you met her and like her. If you do this with anyone’s fiancee (or main squeeze for that matter — you are not restricted in whom you MAY invite as long as they are decent, just in whom you MUST invite) then do make an effort to meet the person before the wedding, since you do need to be able to  vouch for them.



(*obviously I should find something less rivetting to read than wedding boards, when I am trying to lull my insomnia; as I obviously spend far too much time reading them if I can remember individual bellwether postings.)

Post # 76
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Why do people say you have to invite someone b/c X,Y, and Z? 

No, you never have to invite anyone. Sure, there are times that it is completely rude not to invite a person, but ultimately it is your party and your choice. I hate this conception that b/c some action was already taken that you are now bound to live with horrible consequences that could have been prevented except you had to keep going. For example, a bee a while go wrote of some serious financial changes she and her Fiance recently went through and they needed to downsize the guest list, a lot. But STDs had been sent out so other bee’s said they HAD to invite these people, despite losing a job and a few other negative financial things happening in the intermittent time. WTF? Really? Since when did common sense leave wedding planning (I just opened Pandora’s box with that question, right?)?

But, for real, you don’t have to invite this guy. Might it end your friendship not to? Sure. But if you don’t care b/c he is a douche bag, then why should you shell out the cash to have him at a party celebrating love and your life?

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