Post # 1
Hi Bees! I’m really curious to see if anyone else has ever gone through this and how they moved on from it.
It’s been almost a year since my breakup with a guy I was with for over 4 years. To sum up, he wouldn’t commit, yet asked me to stay and wait promising he’d eventually want to marry me. I put up with a lot of crap from him, and he eventually cheated on me with a girl who he’d always promised he was just friends with (amongst other issues with him being inappropriate with other women). Why I stayed so long, don’t ask me.
After we broke up, I struggled with looking him and his new gf up online (his new gf is the girl he cheated on me with) even though it made me feel awful. Over time I stopped doing it as much and focused on healing, but every now and then I get a sick curiosity and will do it again. Although I finally see how wrong he was for me, it stings when I see they’re still together. To be honest, that’s the main reason I do it – a weird stupid curiosity to see if they are still together, which I always see they are. I guess I’m just curious to see why they can make it work and why he’s moving at light-speed with her when he always kept me waiting. While I am left with trust issues so deep that I have no desire to date. I unfriended them both but they both have open accounts on everything (facebook, instagram, twitter, etc.) so that doesn’t help and just feeds it.
Has anyone else ever done this? I know how stupid and counter-productive it is but every once in a while this curiosity pushes my logic aside and I give in. And it always feels so horrible and I’m left feeling awful about myself. Am I just a masochist or has anyone else gone through this?
Post # 2
Oh my god, literally every woman I know has done this! Don’t beat yourself up over it. Try to take a break from looking at their profiles, and start taking good care of yourself so that you can feel better about dating etc. I did this with an ex for a very long time, and now that I’m in a better place he hardly ever crosses my mind. I do poke around every once in a while, just out of curiosity, the same way you’d look up that popular girl from high school to see what she’s doing with herself now– just kind of a “huh, ok, scratched that itch now moving on.” You’re ok now, and eventually you’ll be even better, so don’t worry!
Post # 3
Oh I have done it. I met my husband back in 2014, he had gotten out of a relationship with this really rich girl and she left him for his best friend at the time. I started creeping her instagram, facebook and it was like a daily thing for me. I don’t know what I was looking for? Reasurance that she was over him and never wanted him back? It really messed with me. The best thing you can do is just try to stay off social media. It’s ok to do it once and a blue moon, but it can really get to you after a while. After almost 3 years and married for 3 weeks now….I’m sure she’s the one looking at my profile. Your not a bad person or crazy. We all done it.
Post # 4
I was very, very, very tempted to go look at my ex’s facebook and to read his emails (I knew his password), but I made the pledge to myself to keep away. I’m so glad I did. It’s not easy, but you really need to stop for your own peace of mind.
You should not be wasting anymore of your time on him. You ask why they are moving so quickly. I doubt it has anything to do with the fact that she is “better”, and more so that maybe he manipulates this woman in a different way. He’s a cheater, and I don’t give him much credit for being a good guy.
Post # 5
It’s really common, but what you’re engaging in at this point is basically self harm. You’re just punishing yourself with the pain of looking at the rose-tinted version of their lives instead of the pain of cutting yourself. It’s not healthy and you’re not doing it out of curiousity–you’re doing it for a rush. Stop. There are ways to block access to websites on your computer, and it sounds like it’s time to set that up for their social media accounts.
Post # 6
I’ve done this too, although the guy didn’t end up with anyone after me, but he wouldn’t commit to me or make anything public for over a year, even though I knew he had been fast in other relationships (lived with two girls, was engaged once) and he kept me like this little secret, always promising things would be different ‘soon.’ He isn’t with anyone else from what I can tell though, although I can only see his insta so who knows, but I thought for sure he would be engaged to some rando within like two weeks of be dumping his ass lol. Either way, he is just going to cheat on her eventually anyway. You were with him for four years, so one year is nothing by comparison, and sooner or later he will treat her just as badly!
Post # 7
The block button is your friend. A few years ago I blocked both my ex and his at the time new girlfriend (who I was friends with through our summer job at the time) because it was honestly hard for me to see their random comments popping up on my friends’ Facebook posts. We have over 100 mutual friends, so it was getting kind of ridiculous and hard for me to move on. Now they’re actually broken up and it was a very messy broken engagement (which I know from mutual friends because the wedding was going to be in my area and I had plans with multiple people who would be in town for it). I un-blocked her since she was my friend at one point or another, but my ex is still on my blocked list. I’m very much moved on and much happier with my husband than I would have been with my ex, but I just don’t need to open that door again.
You aren’t the first one to do this, no, but I think you recognize the crazy here. It has been a year and you are still checking up on him. It’s time to stop doing this to yourself once and for all. Block him and her on every social media outlet and MOVE ON.
Post # 8
Just because they’re still together doesn’t mean their relationship is better- she may be willing to put up with more crap than you did &/ or she may be worried that if he cheated with her, he’ll cheat on her. Not everyone’s life is as peachy as they front it is on social media. You say you’re already looking at it far less, and that’s a good step. Try to stay busy, try to keep using your willpower not to look- and soon it won’t be an effort, you’ll lose interest in what they’re doing.
Post # 9
I have totally done that! LOL …my ex boyfriend who I lived with (and whose kids lived with us part time) was cheating on my with a “friend” and while I technically ended the relationship (I threw his shit out in garbage bags on my front lawn), he went from me to her…they both blocked me on Facebook, so I took out a “stalker” account…lol…it hurt for a long time and I kept torturing myself looking…the other uncomfortable aspect – she works for one of my best and favorite clients…so I would always see her cube with her barf worthy pictures of the two of them posted all over it…well, when I met my now fiance, everything changed…when I looked at their profiles, or her pictures, I was skeeved out by him – trying to remember what I found appealing about him…and I laughed at her – thinking “she thinks she won some great catch”…a year into my relationship with my now fiance, my ex called me to “apologize” – I couldn’t have been less interested…it was nice to get the apology, but there were NO feelings…if anything, I wished I had thanked him – while it was a really painful journey, I am SOOOO grateful it worked out the way it did because my fiance is THE most amazing man I have ever been with and I have NEVER been treated so well by anyone.
Fast forward to last year…I got engaged and the ex-friend got dumped (the ex-bf moved on to someone else) …as I mentioned, she works in the office of one of my clients…the cube has been stripped of all pictures…when one of my friends was online dating, we saw her profile up and searching…and every time I run into her, I get immense satisfaction thinking how great my life is now, and how hers played out the past few years …I also love how uncomfortable she is seeing me 🙂
Lesson to be learned – you WILL find someone better (seriously, a cheater is a loser and will ALWAYS be a cheater)…and nothing mends a broken heart like a new found love…put yourself out there to meet new people…it is definitely hard at first and your will probably find something wrong with the first few guys you meet..just because…but stick to it…you WILL meet someone awesome! Online really is a great way to put yourself out there!
Post # 10
Yes, I did. I found the best way for me to stop is to block him and his new gf. I don’t want him back, but idk I couldn’t help but sometimes look them up.
I had/have a weird tendency of doing this with ex girlfriends as well. I’ve also blocked them so I won’t be tempted. Lol.
Stupid social media.
Post # 11
Also, I forgot to add, some people post that their relationship is all great and butterflies and roses on social media when in fact it’s miserable. I know this from my experience with the ex mentioned in my above comment. He would verbally abuse me, make me cry, and then in the same breath post a photo of us saying how lucky he was to have me. All BS. Don’t get wrapped up in it, I don’t believe people who post how great their relationships are online are actually that happy. Or else, they wouldn’t have to tell the world.
Post # 12
Guilty. Was with my ex for 6 years and left him because he didn’t want to committ. Next thing I know, a year later, he moves to my city (something he said he’d never do) and gets an apartment with his new girlfriend just a few miles from me and they have a baby together. I did the same thing you did for the very same reason, tracking them to see if they would last…They didn’t. Had a horrible break up and now she can’t stand him and uses teh child as a pawn to make his life miserable. That gave me a sense of closure and i haven’t checked up on him since.
All this took place before I met my fiance though. I don’t know if I would have been as interested in tracking my ex had i met my fiance sooner.
Post # 13
I’ve done it, but not to the extent that you’re doing it now. I had a nightmare the other night where I pictured getting shot. I rang my boyfriend and he turned into my ex. It was horrific. After that, I had a quick look at his Twitter. Don’t even know why. I saw some really abusive nasty tweets that he was sending someone who seemed to be apologetic and completely innocent. What a fucking tosser. I’m glad he’s my ex.
Stop. Find a way to stop. Their relationship was based off lies in the begininng, and that’s not what you should be inspired by. Remember what they did? That was disgusting, no relationship should begin like that. They belong to each other, and you deserve someone better. Someone who won’t cheat. Block them on FB, Twitter, Insta and confide in a friend you can trust and who has your best interest at heart. Every time you’re tempted to unblock or search for them, talk to your friend who can tell you not to do it. Focus on yourself, get talking to new people and date when you’re ready. You can do a million times better, and you’re worth a lot more than you give credit for. Get to healing. Good luck.
Post # 14
I have been here too. I think you almost get a bit “addicted” to seeing what they’re up to. Even if he’s over the moon happy with her and treating her well, that doesn’t even matter because he didn’t treat YOU well and you should remember that. I think we just live in an age where information about other people is at our fingertips and it makes it hard for us to move on. Years ago if you wanted to see what an ex was up to, you’d have to physically go to their house and stalk them. But now, we can just do it discreetly online which makes it so easy. It sounds like you’re making progress which is great. Just remember that you should focus on your own life, and not theirs. I know it’s easier said than done so don’t beat yourself up!
Post # 15
This is very common. Hand on a Bible, I don’t do this simply because the last guy I dated before DH was a brief thing (about four months total) where he attempted to ghost me at the end. And the only reason I don’t look him up is because I forgot his last name. I had been thinking his name was Brandon Routh, but that ended up being an actor, so while the ex’s first name is Brandon, his last is not Routh like I’ve been thinking for nearly six years hahaha. So, I can’t stalk him because I can’t find him. But if I could, I probably would from time to time.