- 2 years ago
- Wedding: August 2015 - country club in Michigan
Bees, I’m struggling. I told my husband of 2 years last week I was done. I fell out of love, I couldn’t take it. We have no shared interests anymore—we’re on opposite ends of the political spectrum, he refuses to go on “adventures” (hiking, biking, walking, just down to the farmers market) with me, and he won’t even go out to movies with me. On top of that, there’s been almost no physical intimacy for our entire marriage. I feel like there is nothing left to even try for anymore. And yet now that I made it clear I wasn’t just considering leaving him, I was actually doing it, he’s saying he suddenly wants to change and try to make things work. Is it possible for someone to completely change? Is it even worth trying anymore?
TL;DR version: Can someone completely change? Is it even worth trying?
2 years ago I got married. I fell in love with someone with similar interests and hobbies as I did. Although he and I had a little bit of difficultly in the intimacy area, it wasn’t awful. He was smart, funny, and fun to be around. We went hiking, biking, out for walks, out to dinner and movies together. We cooked together, built a garden together.
When we got engaged things really changed. The church we went to required us to abstain sexually which was a rule my now-husband was very strict about us following, so he moved into a separate bedroom. He also stopped riding his bike or doing outdoors activities (a major shared interest), and really never liked going out to dinner or on dates anymore. His interests centered around indoor games (think D&D type stuff) and a few friends. I tried to get interested in his game, but I just couldn’t. He also stopped doing ANY chores. No cooking, no cleaning, and he barely even took care of his dog or cat. He’d tell me he was fine if the house was dirty, and he’d just spend our money eating out, so it was up to me to cook and clean if I wanted things that way. I honestly think I should have ended things here, but I held on, since he said some of it was due to a rough time at work, and I think I kinda got caught up in the idea of marriage.
We’re now 2 years into marriage. We’ve been intimate successfully once, with 2 other failed attempts. The problems are on his side. I’d try to start something, and he’d say something disgusting about bodily functions (I have to sh*t, I’m gassy, sometimes even grosser than that), or pull away and squeal like a 5 year old getting a kiss from grandma. He told me I needed to lose 10 lbs, I wasn’t seductive enough, or I was putting too much pressure on him to perform. There was no cuddling, no hand holding either. He refused to share a bedroom with me until a few months ago, citing differing sleep schedules, too small a bed, too hot a room. I had to BEG him to finally sleep in the same bed as me. I also had to beg him to go on a date with me a few months ago. It took 3-4 weeks to find something he’d agree too, and even then it was awkward since he clearly didn’t want to be there. During the marriage he refused to cook (even to the point of interrupting me when I was doing something else to ask me to make him food), and his refusal to clean got me so angry we finally began spending over $300 a month on a maid service since I couldn’t handle doing it all on my own.
I’ve been very open with him over the course of the marriage about the fact that the lack of physical intimacy and his laziness around the house were driving me away. During the spring I bluntly told him I was falling out of love with him, and I didn’t feel like we were close anymore. I also told him I wasn’t sure we would be staying married much longer. During this time I began spending less and less time at home and more and more time out with friends, and I began developing feelings for someone else in my social circle. Things haven’t gotten far there (so no affair), but the feelings are there and they’re mutual.
So last week I told my husband I was done. I fell out of love. He is now admitting he has an issue sexually, he was ashamed, he was in the wrong, he can fix it, he can help around the house, he’ll do what it takes to keep me. After telling me for months marriage counseling was stupid and would only make things worse, he’s now suddenly open to it and wants to work things out. From what I can tell this all came about because he realized I had feelings for someone else.
But honestly, can someone actually change like this? To me it seems like a COMPLETE reversal of his entire personality. I am no longer in love with him. I feel like I owe it to the marriage to let him try, but I’ve also been telling him for MONTHS that I was crying myself to sleep at least once a week because I didn’t feel like I was married and because I felt so alone—keeping up the appearance of the “happy new wife” was destroying me emotionally. And during that time he refused to change and instead blamed me for everything. It seems pretty messed up he’d wait until he realized I might be falling for someone else to decide he suddenly needs to change.