Looks like I'm heading towards divorce :( Can someone really change?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Emm85 :  First, I am sorry you are going through this…

Second, I have never experienced a person changing “permanently”. I am not saying it can’t be done. 

I do not encourage divorce to anyone, but only you know if you can trust him to do his part around the house, make time to go on dates (since that is important to you)… Marriage is give and take…

Also, him blaming the intimacy issue on you needing to lose weight or not being seductive enough wasn’t fair. That was cruel.

The bottom line is he has to want to change for his own reasons otherwise, he sounds like the type who will throw it up in your face (i.e. I changed for you). Any changes need to be genuine in order for it to work.

Post # 3
Member
11585 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

It doesn’t sound like  you were ever really married. IMO both people need to be in it to make it work, and he was never in it. 

I wouldn’t say give up based on a lack of shared interests or laziness or lack of intimacy because these things can be worked on, but given his complete lack of investment in marriage, I don’t see how this could work. 

I’m sorry bee, but I think you can look back and see that this wasn’t going to a good place when you got married. There’s no magic that can change it now. But if you want to try everything, by all means go to counseling together first. 

You mentioned having feelings for someone else- you can’t really honestly work on your marriage when/if you’re investing energy in another person, so if you decide to try, you need to be willing to give up this person. 

 

 

Post # 4
Member
1405 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Wow. I couldn’t imagine being in a marriage like that…it truly sounds awful. Only having sex once?! In two years? That blows my mind. It seems he treats you more like a roomate….I don’t advocate for divorce either, I feel strongly you should try to work things out normally but he clearly doesn’t see you as his wife. Only you can know whether you want to try and make things work, but if someone treated me that way I would be gone.

Post # 5
Member
10027 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Sometimes people can change for a while. But once they feel comfortable again they slide back into old habits.

Just my experience, i’d probably be done. Bottom line, you don’t love him anymore. You don’t even like him!

Besides, I highly doubt he’ll change something like political standing or whatever problems he’s having being intimate. His promise to change is just a panic response at losing his maid/caretaker and his life changing.

Post # 6
Member
9787 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

He’s had two years to try and deal with his issues. He’s been selfish for two years. You don’t owe him any more time.

Post # 7
Member
6839 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Honestly my guess is here that it was only after you got engaged that he allowed to you see the real him. This is it. All that stuff before was to win you over and impress you. But this is the real him now. 

I can’t say whether or not you should be done. You’re the one that has to make that decision. I’d find it hard to give up on a marriage without even attempting counseling first. But at the same time you’ve been suggesting counseling for months and only once you’ve decided you’re really done does he agree. My totally uneducated guess is that counseling is not going to change anything long term. 

Post # 8
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee

Emm85 :  First of all, I’m so sorry. I could have written your paragraphs word for word several years ago when I was also in a very similar marriage. No intimacy, ever. No kind words. No help. No affirmation. No NOTHING but the endless “to-do” list because I was doing it all on my own. It took me about a year to figure out a way and the courage to leave, and to admit to myself that I had exhausted all options (we did attempt counseling, but he quit after a couple of sessions). I felt horrible about myself, about my choices marrying someone like that. I felt embarrassed when he was around my friends and family, which was rare. I felt much freer when it was just me and my friends, without him. People commented to me that I wasn’t myself, and that I did not seem happy. Which really hurt, because I am a pretty happy/positive person by nature and always try to at least act like I have my shit together haha.

From my experience, no– someone like that doesn’t change. They are really good at pushing you to the brink and saying what they KNOW you have been longing to hear. That is the hardest part, because no decent human expects their spouse to do 100% of the heavy lifting, all the cooking/cleaning, lose weight (WTF?!), drop their hobbies and then not touch them for 2 years. He’s stringing you along because he is literally too lazy to get a divorce. 

My advice, don’t waste another second of your precious life on this man-child. 

ETA: I also towards the end of my marriage began noticing someone in my workplace. My 2nd piece of advice, don’t do it. Untangle yourself from this and and then reset, and move forward. You’ve put up with a lot and are doing your best, don’t go down as the woman who had an affair on her husband. You’re stronger than that and if he is the “right one”, he will be there when this the book is closed on your marriage.

Post # 9
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee

Are you sure he’s attracted to women? 

He doesn’t seem like he’s into you, just into having a wife to show other people. 

Sounds to me like he put on an act to lock down a wife and then reverted back to a state of not actually wanting to be in a romantic relatiinship with you. It’s not just the sex. No cuddling? No hand holding? Separate rooms? No time together? Sounds like a guy who isn’t into you at all. The timing of it happening after the engagement makes me suspicious he never really was. 

Post # 10
Member
3293 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Sorry bee. I don’t believe people can change permanently.

Post # 11
Hostess
4030 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Oh honey, no. This is awful. I’d say at this point it doesn’t matter one bit whether or not he changes, because he should be changing without you around. I’d be long gone. Nobody deserves to live like this. And my instinct is he’s only saying these things because he realizes he’s really about to lose his maid and cook. 

Post # 12
Member
356 posts
Helper bee

I didn’t read any of the other responses, but I’m going to focus on one thing. Had your husband always had really bad intimacy issues? I know you said intimacy wasn’t great, but was it always THIS bad? 

I ask because he sounds like an abuse victim. I work with them as a trauma yoga instructor and I regularly see big, burly, buff men (mostly life-sentence prisoners, to give you a mental picture) break down like infants because of what they’ve gone through- molestation, etc. Do you know his past? If this is true in him can he or has he sought out help?

Post # 13
Member
4241 posts
Honey bee

It sounds to me like he’s only promising change now that he realizes he’s actually going to lose you- he’s not actually motivated to change and I bet you anything that, if you did stay, he would change for maybe a  little bit until the effort was too big and he was reassured again that you were staying. Then it would be back to old habits.

 

Post # 14
Member
2894 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’d also say it’s unlikely he’ll change permanently. It also sounds like you are really done.

i would suggest counselling though and use it to help you split amicably (if possible). The sessions might give you a space to talk through your issues and both be able to move on.

Post # 15
Member
14969 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Nope, I don’t think so.  He’s shown you who he is with you.  Even if he does put on a show and get you to stay, I dont think it’d be long until he was back to this person.  Don’t waste anymore time with him.  A last ditch effort to keep someone around isn’t sincere imo… he’s had WAY too much time to make an effort and change.

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