Looks like I'm heading towards divorce :( Can someone really change?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

curiouscat2017 :  my thoughts exactly. When I was reading your post, it seems like he’s not really into ladies in general. I am very sorry you’re going through this! I personally don’t really believe that people will change. Probably only for a short time.

Hope things do get better.

Post # 32
Member
479 posts
Helper bee

Emm85 :  I am sorry you are going through this Bee. From my experience and from what I heard from older and wiser people, people do not change. It may be temporary trying to keep you but once he feels he’s in the safe zone, he will be back to himself. I would leave. The way he’s been is making you so miserable, why stay and put yourself up for disappointment? If it was simply a communication issue, it could be worked out through counselling. But even the house chores and being okay with being dirty and not even putting any effort to help is unacceptable. 

Post # 33
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

From reading your post it sounds as though you are already checked out, you don’t love him anymore, and frankly I can see how this has happened, me personally I don’t think I could continue with the marriage. I believe that you work at relationships and try to make things work…that is when they are worth saving.

This man pretty much has a live in maid, and disrespects you on a daily basis, offers no support emotionally, mentally or physically, he sounds like all kinds of hell no to me.

As others have said I believe the main reason for him wanting to change is because of his fear of no longer having you waiting hand and foot on him and his life changing for the worse. On the other hand if you do decide to work at it you do need to cut emotional ties with this other person and invest your efforts fully into working at it.

Only you can decide how to proceed, but my advise would be to walk away and to find yourself again, go back to being that happy/ positive person that has been lost in this relationship.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by  vintagegirl13.
Post # 34
Member
3859 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Nah girl you gave it your best shot and gave him more than enough time. Get out of that awful marriage and get back to being happy. You deserve to be happy and not trapped in a sexless, affection-less marriage where you are expected to do 100% of the work. He does not deserve another chance, and honestly, could you ever actually be truly attracted to him again after all that he put you through?

Post # 35
Member
1610 posts
Bumble bee

Emm85 :  I’m so sorry you are having to go through this, reading this all I was thinking was… wow. This is not a relationship, this is totally one sided on your part. 

On whether you are able to work on this… that is totally up to you. Can you work on this? Do you think your marriage has a possibility of being saved if he turns it around? If you have already given up on this relationship totally then you possibly need to just let it go, you can’t work on something with no hope. 

Personally I don’t think I could. I couldn’t deal with the lack of intimacy, not even going on dates, how he reacts to not helping around the house and just generally how he’s talking to you and acting towards you. He sounds like a dick who is gaslighting you as well, he’s the one causing all the problems but trying to shirt it off onto you. That would not sit well on me. And the comment about your attractiveness and weight when he’s been doing all that to you… he would have had a slap in the face if that were me. 

Post # 36
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

People can change, but in my experience in only one of two ways:

1. Immediate, knee-jerk reaction to the threat of losing someone they want to stick around. For a short period of time. And then things go right back to where they were.  Or,

2. Very slowly, over the period of decades through life changes and experiences that shape them.

Neither of these sound like they would be effective solutions in your situation.  

There is a problem here with him that goes deeper than a “you and him” problem.  For whatever reason, he is not mentally well.  And in my experience, when you decide to stay with someone unhealthy for whatever reason, you only end up unwell too.  Take your real physical baggage and leave that house before you end up having to drag along mental baggage too.  And by the way, Mr. New Guy you’re crushing on who has a thing for a known married woman…

He’s baggage you don’t need.

Post # 38
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I would be done. Years before I met my fiancé, I was in a relationship with a guy who was very charming before he began to mistreat me. He’d be cruel until I got really upset and then he’d be nice and attentive until I forgave him. Then we’d repeat and repeat and repeat. You don’t want to get caught up in a cycle like that. I’m sorry this is happening.

Post # 39
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I would leave in a heartbeat if I was financially able . Sorry.

Post # 40
Member
2758 posts
Sugar bee

Take care of yourself. Life is short, no reason to spend it not being happy. That’s enough of a reason to want a new life. It’s hard, but you will come through this.

Post # 41
Member
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

🙁 no cuddling?  There’s a lot of bad behaviours a woman can put with in life, but a man that won’t cuddle isn’t one of them!

in all seriousness though, I’m sorry you’re going through this.  It’s been my experience that people don’t really change.  They can cover up who they are for a time, but they’ll always revert back to their old ways once they feel comfortable again.

Post # 42
Member
1091 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Emm85 :  sorry you’re going through this! 

Even if you do decide to stay married to him, he’s done a lot of hurt to you. Even if he changes, will your relationship ever be the same? 

Im glad he’s going to counseling. That’s a good start. 

Post # 43
Member
2777 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

 

Nope. It’s not about ‘leaving’ him – it’s about FREEING yourself from this very deceitful man.

 

Let me ask you something: was he a member of his church before you got engaged? Or did he convert right before? Because anyone who would go to such extremes citing the importance of religion for him…well, he would have let you know that was his stance in life WAY before you ever got to that point. Hence, it was an excuse to bring out his true self. His true self is ok with never having sex with you. His true self is perfectly agreeable to blaming you for the lack of intimacy. His true self is ok with callously rejecting and (sometimes disgustingly) rebuffing the advances of the woman he pledged to honor and cherish before God. His true self is perfectly ok with never touching you. His true self is content with your crying yourself to sleep at night. His true self gives zero fucks about your happiness.

 

So can he change? No, but he can put the mask back on. The question is why you would even consider staying there for ONE more DAY? 

Counseling? Sure, for you individually to figure out why you stayed in the shittiest situation for so long (guilt? Shame? Complacency? Wanting to please others? Not wanting to ‘fail’?). Counseling with him? Nope nope nope nope.

When he begs for a “second” chance tell him you gave him 730. Or however many (exact) days you’ve been married to this awful man. 

Post # 44
Member
4253 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Oh my goodness.  There are literally zero redeeming qualities about this guy.  None.  If it were SOLELY an intimacy issue sure you could work at that, but it’s not.  This is deeply, deeply ingrained in his personality.  He only wants to change because he messed up, majorly, and is going to lose you.  It’s him bartering to keep you, and don’t let that sway your choices here.  His behavior is unacceptable for ANY life partner, and ESPECIALLY someone you are married and committed to.

Honestly there’s nothing you could have done differently.  It sounds like you’ve been lying to yourself this entire time.  I got married August 2015 too and though we’ve had our difficult times, I’ve never felt like my husband wasn’t my number one supporter.  There have been times where he had pissed me off like none other, and times when I’ve needed a couple hours alone because I’m frustrated with a situation, but he has NEVER treated me with the disrespect that you are talking about here.  His expectation that you cook and clean for him, his demands of you to lose weight (!!!), his lack of intimacy of any form (cuddling and hand holding is a form of intimacy), and his general disrespect of you is simply awful.

Wishing you all the best.  I know it is a tough time but you can get through this, and you will be stronger on the other side!

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