- 4 years ago
Hi bees, I am going anon for this one as I am getting ready to share some very personal details about losing what I thought to be a good friendship.
I have a friend who has no boundaries when it comes to asking for monetary favors. Over the past year and a half, she has asked to borrow money for gas, food, car repairs, basic everyday necessaties…you name it, she has asked me for money to help her with it. This would not be so bad if the favors were not being asked almost weekly, with no end in sight and no mention of when she will be able to re-pay me.
A Little background info: Her husband does not work, she is the sole provider of their household and they have a little girl. She claims that he has some type of stomach disease that cannot be cured therefore it is not safe for him to work. I do not doubt the validity of this as I have been a guest at their home when he was sick and throwing up. The thing that gets me is that he partakes regulary in recreational drugs such as mary jane, synthetic “bath salts” and he drinks daily. Maybe I am warped, but I feel that if your body can handle all of those drugs on a daily basis, your ass can get a job, even a part time one, to help support your family.
My husband and I are very comfortable financially. Yes, we treat ourselves but we have never thrown our good fortune in anyones face. TBH alot of the reason why I give out loans so freely to her is because I sometimes feel guilty of having so much when I see someone that I care about struggling. Her husband does not like mine as he thinks my husband is too flashy. In turn, my husband does not care for her husband as he does not respect him as a man since he does nothing to support his family. (Stay with me, I am going somewhere with this). The issues started when she revealed to me that her husband does not like my husband. I, of course told my husband as I do not keep secrets from him. That may have been the wrong move. Since then he forbids me from helping to support a household who does not care for him, when it’s our money that gets them out the binds that they get themselves into.
Just recently, she has put them in a bad situation by getting a title loan on her vehicle and several payday loans. She cannot keep up with the payments and asked me for help. Like $2800 worth of help. She says that she was trying to get them ahead and did not fully understand the terms of these loans and the high interest rates associated with them. I discussed this with my husband and he said No. (We just recently spent several hundred dollars to fix up a car that I got when I was 16 which had a blown headgasket and was sitting in my mothers garage for them because she burned out the engine in her own vehicle driving home drunk and ignoring the flashing “oil needed” light. Instead of using this “free” newly repaired vehicle they instead purchased a brand new truck w/payments that they can’t afford with money borrowed from another friend of ours). She asked me to co-sign for that vehicle and I told her No.
I told her that DH says that we can not afford to loan them the money. She then asked me to get a loan from my 401k without his knowledge. I said absolutely not! She knows that we just received the deposit check back from our venue and asked me to let her borrow that instead since it was made out to only me and not my husband and I could just endorse it over to her. I again said No. I will not go against my husband wishes and I surely am not going to hide anything related to our finances from him.
She becomes upset and stated that I should have never discussed her borrowing the money with my husband and she does not understand what fixing the other vehicle for them has anything to do with this situation. I explained that we just wasted several hundreds of dollars to help them for no reason. She says that she knows that we have close to 6 figures in savings because she saw me one time transferring money on mobile banking while we were out shopping one time (no idea she was looking over my shoulder) and that she does not understand why we won’t help her, my husband is being selfish, what goes up must come down blah blah blah.
I know she is desperate, she does not normally act this way but I can’t help but feel differently towards her now. My husband thinks that they are leeches and I should cut my ties with her completely. He says that what she is asking of me is far beyond what normal friends ask of each other. I am torn. I have known her for 5 years, we started as co-workers and she has always held her family together and has worked really hard to support them. This last year or so has been really hard on them financially due to her husbands numerous medical bills. I don’t know what to do. Is this friendship beyond repair? Have I become her crutch? Any advise on how to handle this?