(Closed) Losing a good friend over money (semi long)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

@jaylinjo has she continued to text you since you turned your phone off the other day? Other than the texts you received regarding her daughter when you turned it back on?

Post # 63
Member
4521 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I do feel sorry for that little girl, as I’m sure you do, but you can’t keep giving money to a deadbeat and a disaster. They need to learn to support themselves and manage whatever money they have

Post # 65
Bee
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

Stop being a doormat. It’s time to cut them off and focus on your own needs. You aren’t really doing them any favors by providing for them as they aren’t learning anything about how to take care of themselves and make responsible decisions.

Post # 66
Member
2453 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

This is one of those few cases where literally every Bee agrees- this lady is a flat out leech, and acting like a greedy bitch to boot.  Pardon the language.

I’m so proud of you for continuing to say no and standing up for yourself.  You’re doing the right thing.

Post # 67
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

@jaylinjo:

Wow… First off I can’t believe she expects you to lie to your husband, expecially about something so important.  Even if you have 6 figures in the bank lying about money can easily lead to the loss of trust in a marriage.  She’s only caring about herself and not thinking about your marriage.  Just that is in my opinion is ground for end of a friendship.

I agree with your husband.  I don’t mind helping someone but if I’m helping them out on a regular basis and they don’t like me than they don’t appreciate my help.  Even if your husband is flashy if you guys are being asked for the help you are giving than her husband should learn to be more thankful and not bratty.

I would just block her on my phone and social sites.  Surprisingly I’ve heard the child card played before.  A mom I know wouldn’t help her grown children out until they say “but if you don’t than your grandchildren will have to go with out electricity” (it took her years before she finally told them they should figure it out).  I find it disgusting to use children like that.

It sounds like she’s grown use to you giving her money and probably knew she couldn’t afford it without your help.  Her family is probably telling her no because they were giving into her for a long time and maybe they can’t support her now.

Her husband is probably in out of hospitals not because he’s sick but because he’s addicted to drugs and alcohol.  I bet he’s not really sick and they are turning him away because it’s obvious he just wants drugs.  It is possible that he is actually sick and because his addiction they wont perfom the surgery (like giving him a new kidney).

Personally I wouldn’t have lied about not having the money and just said “That since your husband feels that way towards us we’ve decided not to be so flashy which means not helping you out.  He’s right we shouldn’t be just handing out money like we were.  We’ve decided to plan it more for the future just incase of an emergency.”  Technically it is a lie because that’s not the real reason but if you said the real reason he’d probably come back on his knees begging.

I’m sorry your going through this.  Better to find out now than 20 years from now.

Post # 68
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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@Sapphire-Dreamer: I agree completely.

OP, not only would I cut her off from any future funding (which I’m so happy you decided to do… I’ve been in a similar position and I know it’s hard to “just say no,” even to someone you know is taking advantage) but you really ought to consider calling Child Protective Services.  It sounds like their daughter’s  well-being   and safety may be at stake in this situation. 

Post # 69
Member
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@jaylinjo:  you are not really her friend – you are her atm. 

cut this person out and OFF. 

Post # 70
Member
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

also – how DARE she go on about how her daughter needs help – uh if your deadbeat husband wasn’t drinking and doing drugs everyday you would probably have a LOT more savings. not sure how it is in your state, but here, based on need and income she could qualify for a lot of social programs. 

she needs to talk to a social worker and a debt counsellor, not drag you into this. there is no friendship here – just a desperate person afraid of losing her meal ticket.

i am all for helping the needy – but the truly needy and those who help themselves. not those who squander what they DO have and buy new vehicles etc that they can’t afford. that’s not needy – that’s irresponsible.

Post # 71
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@jaylinjo:  Wow, just wow! It’s heart wrenching to see you with all the money you’ve worked for? Is she kidding? That has to be the most selfish thing I’ve heard someone say in a long time. 

Post # 72
Member
9452 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i would cut ties with her.  she sounds toxic.  friends don’t treat friends that way.

also, her husband can get a job and work from home.  honestly, he doesn’t sound that sick if he can still do all those drugs including bath salts. 

Post # 73
Member
1489 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@jaylinjo:  That is *such* a disgusting thing to say to a friend!!   Between the guilt-trip child comment and this one, she has shown her true colors *very* quickly!!!  Your money should be NONE of her concern!   

 

You will be a stronger person for recognizing this friendship for what it is and stepping away from it.    She is clearly Not the same person that you became friends with, and that is such a shame.   

Post # 74
Member
666 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It’s so sad because I can really tell that you had a good friendship with her in the past.  However, she’s using you now, and probably has been for a while.  She’s changed and isn’t that friend you used to have.  Friends help each other out in times of need, sure, but continuously?  No way.  And to demand money outright?  Definitely not OK for friends to do.

She’s learned that she can use you as a crutch and do whatever they want without any real consequences.  They could always count on you to bail them out of problems, so they don’t care what problems they make (like buying a new vehicle). Her reaction shows how desperately they count on you and how little she actually thinks of your friendship. 

It may be that in the future you can someday get back that friendship – if she can lose the deadbeat husband (I suspect he is the root of all problems) and/or they can clean up and get their lives together, but for now I’d say you have to stay out of things.  No money to them no matter what.

If they play the “I need money for food for the kid” card, you don’t give money.  If you do anything, you give some groceries, or feed the kid yourself directly.  

I also think it’s total bologna that the guy can’t work because of some unspecified stomach condition.  I have a condition (incurable, degenerative) that randomly flares up, makes me throw up and be unable to swallow food or liquids, and makes me feel really really ill, and I can still hold down a job.  If he’s that sick he’d be on disability.  He’s just a lazy drug user who doesn’t care about taking care of his own family.  He’s no friend to you.

Post # 75
Member
503 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I hope they don’t do drugs around their child 🙁  It doesn’t sound like she values you as a person.  She treats you like an ATM!

I think the best thing you can do for her is not enable her – I know you want to show compassion for your friend, but that’s honestly not going to help.  It’ll just prolong the behavior.

Post # 76
Member
3680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If you think the little girl is in any danger of neglect, is around drug use, etc, I would also call CPS. It doesn’t sound like a good living situation for a child.

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