Post # 1
It has come to my attention that FI’s family thinks I’m a stealer (not material things but a son, brother thief). When Fiance and I got engaged his family was “happy” for us but there wasn’t that joy and excitement I was hoping for. More just mundane congratulatory remarks as opposed to a fun celebration filled with excitement and happiness. Specifically his mother commented EVEN to my parents how they thought their son was too young and how we are “out of order” getting married first (FI has older brothers that theoretically should have been married first). This to me is all irrelevant and just feels like excuses for trying to hang onto their son.
Still to this day FI’s family still will say things like, “I’m going to miss my baby” “you shouldn’t spend so much time with your Fiance and more time with us” because after all next year I will get him full time. The icing on the cake was a moronic comment his brother made …used the exact phrase ” you already stole my brother and you can’t have anymore of us” which I took that to mean he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I feel as though they look at our upcoming marriage as a loss of a son/brother instead of gaining a sister/daughter… anyone else feel this way? These people just make me feel terrible sometimes, I wonder if its like this in all families. I also feel like its a reflection of myself, are all these excuses because they don’t like me (even though they seem to pretend to)?
Post # 3
Wow, hon. Yes, the same thing happened to me.
It’s not fair, is it? We are married now and the “crap” continues. I also wonder if it’s just because they don’t like me, but honestly (cross my heart) I have been nothing but kind and respectful towards them….doing dishes after dinner, etc.
What they are doing is wrong. Has your fiance asked them to stop it?
Post # 4
this is one of those situations where you have to fire back with “Losing a son?! I thought you were gaining ME!” and a big smile.
I know how you feel and this is hurtful behavior, but making light of their rudeness may change their attitudes. I hate people who say things like that *hugs*
Post # 5
ugh, this is a crappy situation. they shouldn’t be making you feel like that. i feel like our families should be our biggest supporters. how does your fi feel about how they treat you? has he said anything to them?
Post # 6
I don’t mean this snarky, just giving an honest opinion: based on this and your other posts it sounds like they don’t like you.
I wish I could tell ya to just hold out and its all in your head, but you just had another post about your Future Brother-In-Law that indicated the same thing. Where is your fiance in all of this? He should be standing up for you? You should also speak up and tell them to stop.
Post # 7
Well thing is Fiance (or I) for that matter don’t say much when these comments are made. I think part of it is were shocked with some of their comments and caught off gaurd not knowing how to react. Sad but true I’ve become used to this kind of stuff from his mom. She doesn’t have a social life outside of her family and I know her kids are very important to her so I’ve endured these comments throughout the length of our relationship and just summed them up to a very bored and lonely middle aged woman. Now it is starting to get to me because they’ve become more frequent since we’ve been engaged.
As far as his brother goes, that comment just came out of left wing… never would have expected him to say something like that! I treat these people with nothing but respect and kindness (they do the same in return at times) and at other times I get thrown cr*p like this! How do I handle this? How do I make them see that I’m not out to “steal” their precious little boy… geez he’s a grown man, not like he’s little or a boy! Italianlady… I have also done the dishes and help clean up etc. and tried to be involved but these people are stern and cold (by nature) so it is hard to get any kind of real emotion out of them.
Post # 8
I have literally been through this exact same thing. Almost to a T. I am actually sort of STILL going through this. I am in class, but when I am done I am going to PM you and tell you how I handled it.:)
Post # 9
I thinnk the best route would be for your Fiance to speak to his brother and mother and explain to them that these comments are NOT acceptable,in any way,shape or form,he should be making it clear that he wants you to be his wife.Period.
I hope they stop being mean to you *big hugs*
Post # 10
And I thought I was alone in this crap ladies ! WOW !
What do we do? Just ignore the hell out of them? No. how would that work ? And we want to do the best by our FI/husbands.
I have no clue, but TG20, your Fiance should step in, I think. LOTS OF HUGS TO YOU BOTH
Post # 11
i was going through similar things with my FI’s fam. they weren’t saying i was stealing their son/brother, but they were just plain unfriendly and definitely did not seem excited when we got engaged. the worst was his brother, who would usually only acknowledge my presence by saying something ABOUT me in front of me, never to me.
the best thing was to have Fiance talk to his family. they quickly cut the crap and it hasn’t been much of an issue at all since. if he feels awkward doing this (mine did) tell him that it’s his family, and it will be better coming from him than from you.
sorry you’re going through this, though. i know how uncomfortable and upsetting it can be. hang in there!
Post # 12
Ugh, so sorry. That’s totally unacceptable behavior on their part. No advice, really, just moral support. Is your Fiance young? Like, under 21? Not that their behavior would be ok at any age, but it might make it more comprehensible if they’re generally skeptical about young marriage.
At any rate, good luck. Maybe your Fiance can sit down with them and say that their comments have hurt you both, that he understands that they love him and that he loves them too, but that you aren’t “taking him away” from them.
Post # 13
That’s how my father views my husband. He think that my husband ‘took’ me when we got married. I don’t really have any advice other than try not to let it get to you. They can say whatever they want, but it won’t change the fact that you’re marrying their son. I sincerely hope that they come around as the wedding draws closer.
Post # 14
*hugs* My Future Mother-In-Law feels the same exact way. She always saying something ridiculous. The latest one is that she’s really scared that *I* will ruin their Christmas. Uh, excuse me? Remember Christmas last year when you ran around: 1. insisting on screaming matches with each of your sons for trivial things, 2. having a 30 minute sob session in front of me saying that your husband was “abusing you” (he was not, he only walked away from her b’cuz she was attempting to pick a fight), and 3. accusing us of “hating their family” b’cuz we left at the time we agreed upon?!?! I really despise this woman, I really do.
But your FH should be standing up for you! As long as you two are satisfied with your relationship and how much time you’re spending with each other, his family can, frankly speaking, shove it. But I may be biased lol. 😛
Post # 15
Wow! Great to know I’m not the only one going through this! Thanks for all the support ladies and stories… it can get challenging dealing with such a burden.
And yes please PM heatherrobyn … I would love to know how you dealt with all of it.
Post # 16
@TG20: I think you’re being needlessly defensive. I doubt his family’s feelings have anything to do with you personally – it sounds like they’re just trying to come to terms with the fact that their family is changing. Try not to take this personally or turn it into some big drama that it doesn’t need to be. I really don’t think your fiance’ needs to “stick up for you” – I think that will definitely create hard feelings.