(Closed) Losing a son instead of gaining a daughter

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@TG20:  This really sucks and I think that you have every right to feel the way that you do.  If this is a continuous thing I definitely think that you should have your Fiance talk to them.  They are hurting your feelings and that is really the point, no matter what reason they are doing it.

Post # 18
Member
3871 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

My Mother-In-Law isn’t as bad as you but she did come close.  My Mother-In-Law wanted to play as a “joke” for her Mother Son dance these songs… “Momma told me not to come” or “Better shop around.”  Yeah, that is not a joke to me! Luckily, I told her “hell no”… okay, I didn’t but the DH did.  Oh she wanted to play the Kenney Chesney song called “There goes my life!”  There was another song which was ok but yeah my Mother-In-Law has some issues.

ETA: Oh, luckily, the rest of my husband’s family isn’t that bad.  They are fairly nice to my face.  I don’t know what they really think of me because they probably on the MIL’s side. 

I’m sorry you are going through this.  

Post # 19
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

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@lisa105

I would get defensive at this too…

Specifically his mother commented EVEN to my parents how they thought their son was too young and how we are “out of order” getting married first

And to this

The icing on the cake was a moronic comment his brother made …used the exact phrase ” you already stole my brother and you can’t have anymore of us”

And trust me, unless you have been through it, you don’t know how much it hurts. Her fiance is definitely the one who has to “stick up for her”. It’s HIS family and she didnt’ do anything to provoke them

Post # 20
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Nope you are not alone except my brother-in-law was really excited to gain me as a sister-in-law (to my face anyways)…it’s just Mother-In-Law.

During the rehearsal my grandmother made a comment about just getting married right then and there and getting it over with while everyone was gathered around.  Mother-In-Law said “No, I don’t want to lose him any earlier than I have to.”  Not her exact words but it was not a nice comment.  DH did not hear, I don’t know how he didn’t but he said he didn’t hear it.

Like you, I get shocked by their comments and just sit there with my mouth open.  Now that I know what to expect (nastiness), I am better prepared that something will be said and know that I have a right to defend myself and say something.  I’m somewhat on guard all the time, waiting for her comment to come.

They don’t have to lose a son at all.  What they fail to realize it is them pushing the son away.  I was told the other day that I should be considered a blessing as an addition but no, Mother-In-Law is horrible to us but she does not recognize her own behavior is what is pushing him away and instead puts in on me.

Post # 21
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

My mom has dealt with that from my dad’s family for the past 30+ years. My dad never said anything to his side of the family and it has caused SO MANY problems during their marriage.  My aunt (dad’s sister) even cried at their wedding in front of all the guests saying over and over again, “she took my brother.” I have heard about it for years. I hope your Fiance stands up for you, and lets them know those comments are not okay. My mom is finally to the point that it doesn’t bother her, but it really has taken a great tole on her. I hope this is resolved fast for you!

My dad never stood up to his mom and sister for my mom, and that would have fixed it from the get-go!

Post # 22
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

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@_lucyinthesky_: 

My dad never stood up to his mom and sister for my mom, and that would have fixed it from the get-go!

AMEN !

Post # 23
Member
6996 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

i feel for you! i cannot imagine this because my family is soooo welcoming to ANYONE, fiance or not, who steps into our home. its just the way we are. hugs all around.

Fi’s family is not so warm hearted though i know they mean to be, but there are no I love yous when they get off the phone or hugs when you leave the house i found this kind of strange so i hug them anyway!

Fiance and I are both really close with our families, it is a huge part of our relationship but there comes a point in time where you have to seperate from your family and start your own. its been hard for me to come to terms with that but im making the choice to join Fiance in marriage and begin OUR life together.seems like your FI’s parents need to realize that too.

i have a feeling they will warm up to you, it may take years, but hopefully they will come around.

 

 

Post # 24
Member
3871 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t know if this helps… but me and the DH go to marriage counseling because of my issues with the Mother-In-Law and DH doesn’t neccessarily stick up for me either.  The therapist just told me to try this…. she told me that I should just start accepting who she is and try not to be bothered by her comments.  I’ll let you know if it works. 

Post # 25
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@ItalianLady:   Why would you be upset about that?  What makes you think I haven’t experienced the exact same thing?

Now, I’m not there so I can’t judge the “tone” the OP’s in-laws are using but the words on their face aren’t against the OP.  Lots of parents think their kids are too young to get married and lots of families feel a little sad when a child or sibling gets married because they know their family dynamic will change.  That sadness does not necessarily mean they resent or reject the OP. 

While I can see where it could be off putting or hurtful, I think the OP would be far better served trying to understand their perspective and consider that they’re not trying to hurt her rather than just being upset.  Unless other things are going on this just doesn’t strike me as horrid or something her Fiance needs to “defend” her over.  In fact, pushing him to do so may create drama and dislike of the OP where none currently exists which is what she wants to avoid, yes? 

You have to pick your battles. 

Post # 26
Member
226 posts
Helper bee

I feel for you! I’m in exactly the same position you are in. Future Mother-In-Law thinks I have ‘stolen’ her son and it’s my fault that he doesn’t want to see her, when in fact I have been nothing but respectful and polite. MFIL, Future Brother-In-Law and his fiance don’t like me. When I first met Future Mother-In-Law she said she didn’t want to know me and it won’t last and nearly 3 years and a baby later she still thinks that.  I have tried to talk to her about it but she isn’t interested in talking it through so I don’t let it get to me anymore. My SO has stood up for me to them but nothing changed, it made the situation worse because she now thinks even more so that he chose me over ‘them’.

How do I deal with these comments? I just ignore them. My SO and I aren’t going to let them being jealous and hateful interfere with our happiness. As long as you feel like you’ve given a relationship with her a good go, I would just not let it get to you.

Good Luck! *hugs*

 

Post # 27
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

My advice to you is to try to be positive.  I am basing this on the tone of the majority of your previous posts.

It seems like you think your co-workers, friends, family and future in-laws are out to get you or to make you feel unimportant.  Wedding planning and everything associated with it brings out lots of emotions, and can sometimes bring out the worst in people.  Just try to concentrate on you and your Fiance, and work on building positive relationships with the people in your life- independent of your wedding.

Post # 28
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

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@lisa105: I understand your point of view. Honestly ! I do ! But if the OP feels the need to post under “emotional” on this board or to post at all, I think it’s best to guess that there’s a lot more to her FMIL’s and FIL’s comments that we just haven’t witnessed in real life. I simply speak from experience.

Who knows?

Post # 29
Member
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

This is similar to my situation but flipped. My mom is the one pushing against Fiance and he feels hurt, rejected and not wanted in their (and in turn, my) life. I am still currently working on trying to figure out how best to handle the situation. It is no fun at all trying to find the middle-ground between your usually wonderful and loving mom (who has decided she is going to subtly make it known she does not like/approve of FI) and your Fiance. 🙁

She makes inappropriate comments in front of me, Fiance and my dad. Fiance and I get speechless and my dad doesn’t tell her that she’s being out of place (even though my dad likes Fiance. At least he claims to) and then it gets awkward so Fiance and I say our goodbyes. I wonder if she doesn’t realize how something sounds until after she says it.

After our parents met for the first time recently, my mom wrote a nice card to Future Mother-In-Law and said how she can see that Fiance will be a good husband to me. So maybe she feels guilty and is trying to mend her slips. IDK…we’ll be spending time with my family in January, so we’ll see how she is then. I hope she’s learned to keep her crap comments to herself.

Good luck to you! I think you are handling it the best way you can by just being kind and respectful towards them. Hopefully they will come around. *hugs*

Post # 30
Member
1557 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think I have been *mostly* fortunate in this area, but I can relate. 

I get along pretty well with FI’s mom, but he is her only child, and since her divorce from his dad (when Fiance was only 7) it has pretty much been the two of them. No matter how much she likes me, no matter how many times I go shopping with her, suggest she come spend time with us, etc, he will always be her son, and she will always want more time with him, 

I occasionally get vibes from her that make me feel like she wanted Fiance to wait longer before getting married… I found out that when he told her he was planning to propose, she made a comment about how expensive rings were, and how he might not want to spend so much money right now (we’re both in Grad school). I know she was thinking financially there, but still… 

She also says things about how she’s too young to be a grandmother (which I’m not arguing with…. at 23 I feel like I’m too young to be a mother!) and she doesn’t like the fact that Fiance and I may have to move out of state for jobs. 

So, like I said… I’m pretty fortunate that she seems to like me and I feel like I can spend time with her, just us, but she’s still never going to be happy that her son is growing up and moving away… Mom’s want their babies to stay little forever! 

Post # 31
Member
1557 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think I have been *mostly* fortunate in this area, but I can relate. 

I get along pretty well with FI’s mom, but he is her only child, and since her divorce from his dad (when Fiance was only 7) it has pretty much been the two of them. No matter how much she likes me, no matter how many times I go shopping with her, suggest she come spend time with us, etc, he will always be her son, and she will always want more time with him, 

I occasionally get vibes from her that make me feel like she wanted Fiance to wait longer before getting married… I found out that when he told her he was planning to propose, she made a comment about how expensive rings were, and how he might not want to spend so much money right now (we’re both in Grad school). I know she was thinking financially there, but still… 

She also says things about how she’s too young to be a grandmother (which I’m not arguing with…. at 23 I feel like I’m too young to be a mother!) and she doesn’t like the fact that Fiance and I may have to move out of state for jobs. 

So, like I said… I’m pretty fortunate that she seems to like me and I feel like I can spend time with her, just us, but she’s still never going to be happy that her son is growing up and moving away… Mom’s want their babies to stay little forever! 

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