Post # 1
Im so sad..My best friend who ive been through everything with and i mean everything, my parents passing ,her parents passing, her first hubby passing, kids being born etc and the illness and passing of her son my godson it will be 2 years in march…
Since then shes been in a deep hole..I personally think theyve put her on too many medications that shes been in a fog unable to grieve or get any closure..She has gotten divorced and has a 10 year old daughter.
When I first got engaged she was “happy” for me..Then she declinded to be in the wedding party and even attend my wedding.She cant “deal with happy occasions”.I immediately got depressed bc i couldnt imagine doing something so significant without her at my side. Everyone reassured me she’ll come around.
6 months later she rsvp-ed no to my shower telling the girl throwing it shes working. She has said nothing to me. We barely talk anymore. She doesnt work weekends..i knew she probably wouldnt come but my hopes were still up you know?
Im so sad I miss her. I want/need her there..but i want her there for her 10 year old too..Part of me wants to do the tough love thing and email her how i really feel. My dad gave up on living when my Mom died and i dont want her 10 year old feeeling shes not worth it like i did as a child..
Thoughts anyone? Thanks girls..
Post # 3
Write the letter. But don’t send it right away… take some time to reread it and make sure that it isn’t confrontational or angry in any way. Tell her how concerned you are and how much your heart is breaking, and how much you love her. I wouldn’t email something like that, though. Write it down and take it in person if you can. I wouldn’t focus on the not being at my wedding/ shower things… more on how you much you miss her and how much this reminds of your parents.
I struggled with depression for many years and it is so, so tough on your loved ones watching you go through it. I am so sorry this happening to the both of you.
Post # 4
@JoshsTammy: Please go and talk to her… Dont let your friendship go… Fight for it
Post # 5
I completely agree with jjmomma. At this point, she is ignoring you anyhow, so may as well be honest with her about how you are feeling, how much you love and miss her. Write the letter, hand-written and deliver it to her or mail it. I don’t think a discussion face to face at this point would be best, might just make things worse, but you can offer to have a discussion in person if/when she is ready — you are open to it.
Sometimes we all need a little push in the right direction to realize what we are becoming or doing to ourselves and to our friends and loved ones. I understand she is deeply depressed and disconnected and why, but maybe she needs a gentle shake out of her nightmare to realize she is loved and needed in this world. Good luck.
Post # 6
Definitely say something. I agree with PP, hand write/deliver it.
Post # 7
@JoshsTammy: Shes probably extremely depressed…depression can lead people to keep to themselves and try and hide from the world. Unfortunately she probably needs professional psychological help. Maybe you could talk her into going to therapy with you? Maybe but it on the pretense that you think itll help you two start talking again, but maybe it will get her to open up to the third party and talk it out in private.
Post # 8
Either write the letter and re read it after a few days of writing it so you make sure it says exactly what it needs to , or write it and use it as a template to go talk to her. Just be honest and tell her how much you love her and miss her.
Post # 9
I just thought of something else…. when I was struggling with depression, the medications they put me on made me into another person. I was still locked in the depressive behaviour, but I didn’t FEEL anything anymore. It was horrible, like being totally numb, but still feeling like shit (sorry for the language, but there’s no other way to say it). What made the difference for me were two very patient and very caring women who showered me kindness and gentle attention. They cared for me the way I wasn’t able to care for myself for the time being, by cooking for me and bringing meals, watching TV like it was totally normal that I was in my pj’s at 4pm, baking me sweets, bringing me cosmetics and bath items and refusing to leave until I used them. I do NOT believe in tough love. Some family members tried that route and it had a devasting effects. Being consistently loving, gentle, and patient worked for me…
Post # 10
@jjmomma: Definitely agree! Ignore my last post. This is what I wanted to write, but I didn’t know how lol!
Post # 11
I agree that a letter may be nice, just don’t mention your wedding in it. It shouldn’t feel to her like you wish she wasn’t depressed because it puts a damper on your big day (not that you would ever indicate that, but she is in a state of seeing things negatively so you have to tread lightly). Let her know you love her and care about her and you’d like to see her. Depression is the worst. She literally cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel and can’t connect with people the same way anymore, so understand that her actions may come across as selfish and don’t pressure her into anything. Just let her know you’re there whenever she wants to call.
Does she ever do anything or is she like laying in bed all the time? Because if she doesn’t want to be part of the planning/party process with you, which is ok, she may still be interested in seeing you in a difference environment. It may just be the situation that depresses her. If there’s something she likes to do or has always wanted to do try inviting her to do it. Call her up and see if she’d like to go on a hike or to a museum so she can spend time with you without feeling like it has to be wedding related.
A lot of things in life are about timing, and right now is not a good time for her to be involved in a wedding. She’s a widow and divorced, and still healing. Just because she can’t be a part of your wedding at this time in her life does not mean she can’t be in your life. She may not come around in time for your big day, but she will come around. And she’s so lucky to have a friend like you who will welcome her with open arms.