(Closed) Losing Control Already…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
716 posts
Busy bee

Oh boy.  First, outline with your Fiance what you both want and what the rules are going to be, who will be doing what, etc.  Then stick to those guidelines.  If anyone is helping to pay for the wedding, you should consider their input.  But if you don’t stay true to what the two of you want, you’ll end up with a wedding that doesn’t even feel like your own.

Post # 4
1123 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’d just tell them like it is and say “Now I really appreciate your input but I’ve got one shot at having the wedding *I* and my fiance want and I intend to do what we want. I do not want to upset anyone but I ask that you respect our wishes”

Post # 5
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

It does get better…but only if you establish yourself and your Fiance as the people calling the shots. We went through about a month of people being mad with their feelings hurt, but they eventually got the idea to just be happy for us. I would recommend what the sticky’d thread recommends – all information should be on a need to know basis. Everyone else can just hear the party line “We are still talking and planning, but we’re sure you’ll love it”.

Post # 6
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

If you don’t want another bridesmaid, you have to SAY that you don’t want another bridesmaid.  Agreeing with someone means…that you’re…agreeing with them.  Your future mother-in-law is probably already on the phone with the cousin, discussing dresses.  

Post # 7
716 posts
Busy bee

Oh yea, and if anyone (family, friends, relatives) asks for details, just say “We are enjoying our engagement and we haven’t decided on anything yet.”

Post # 9
15 posts
  • Wedding: July 2012

@TopazTurtle:  Oh, the joys of wedding planning and dealing with families!  My advice to you is to stand strong and be honest about what you and your Fiance want for your day.  Remember that is your day!  Now, I realize that some of what you mentioned may be factored into who is paying or contributing a lot financially to the wedding, so you also may have to factor that in.  

If it helps any- my husband and I paid for the majority of our wedding-my parents helped some, too.  His- not at all.  I chose to have my sister as my Maid/Matron of Honor and 1 friend as a Bridesmaid or Best Man.  Husband has two sisters, but we made it clear that we wanted a small wedding party (he had one best man) and that I didn’t feel close enough to the sisters to ask them (and again, wanted a small wedding party).

As for the kids- another issue- we had no kids.  All in all, this only really kept 1 couple from coming, which wasn’t too bad.  My parents agreed to the no kids, husband’s family didn’t understand (since there were 5 nieces and nephews).  In the end, it worked out and then the Mother-In-Law at the wedding realized (finally) why we asked for no kids.  

Hang in there- it’s a roller coaster for most (it was for me!) Just remember that it’s really about you two and I wish you the best of luck!


Post # 10
716 posts
Busy bee

@TopazTurtle:  Because then they’ll feel they have a say.  If you really don’t need the money, maybe see if you can use it for something else?  Something that they can’t force on you

Post # 11
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

The more you talk about it the more opinions you will get. I kept most wedding talk brief and general with people who asked. Vague statements like “That is something to think about.” will get you far. But for the most part I would just keep mum about the planning if you don’t want others to give an opinion.

Post # 12
3400 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It was never really too terrible for me because I’m already an assertive person, and nobody else has really tried to call too many of the shots.

However, the no-children thing has been a point of contention.

It does get a little better, but only when you flat out put your foot down. You have to balance that line between bridezilla and pansy, by being assertive and kind at the same time.

My FI’s sister caused a bit of a stink about not being able to bring children, and I kindly stated there no exceptions will be granted. I also offered to help her find appropriate babysitting options. The last part really isn’t my job, but I felt that it allowed me the opportunity to stand for what I wanted for my wedding without being rude.

Post # 13
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@TopazTurtle:  1) Have your sister as Bridesmaid or Best Man only. If your Mother-In-Law asks, just tell her you’ve made your decision and you want just her. It’s your choice, not hers.

2) Inform Mommy she can not treat her daughters unequally. You will have children there and you do or do not want to. If she fusses, hang up the phone ie “Your boss is calling, I will ttyl”

3) Invite the coworkers you want there. Send them their invites through the mail and express to them to PLEASE keep it quiet at work. You do not have a lo of room and do not want to offfend.

I work with three people, and invite only two to our wedding. I don’t regret it.

If you parents insist on giving you money, place it in a separate account. That way, you can give it back to them when they start trying to dictate.

Post # 14
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@TopazTurtle:  You don’t have to be brash to assert yourself. You can be vague:

“COusin A should be a BM”: answer “Thank you for the suggestion but I’ve already decided on my bridal party”

“Cousin B should be a FG”  “Thank you for the suggestion but we’ve decided on no Flower Girl as to not offend family members who have wonderful daugthers”

“You have have an Elvis impersonator do your ceremony”: “thank you for the suggestion. My Fiance and I are still discussing decisions”

Repeat ad naseaum

Post # 15
2598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@TopazTurtle:  Have your Fiance call his mom and tell her that the two of you talked it over and your only going to have your sister as Bridesmaid or Best Man and no flower girl.  Don’t hope your MIL won’t remember or say anything – she probably will.  Nip this now.

Is your mom paying for your wedding or you?  If you are, you get to decide to invite (or not) whomever you damn well please.  Tell her so, only more nicely. 🙂  If she’s paying, then you can still try to call the shots but she might withdraw the money – its up to you to decide what’s more important.

As for work friends – if you’re legitimately friends with someone outside the office then I think you can invite them.  If everyone is just a go-worker, I say go with an all or nothing policy.  If someone you work with expresses interest in coming, then just reply you wish you could invite everyone but its just not possible, you’re having a very small wedding.

Then, prepare yourself to handle more “suggestions” from people.  Learn to say no nicely but firmly – don’t equivocate.  “We’ve decided to do x” is all the explanation anyone needs. 

Good luck!

Post # 16
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Think Mary Poppins – absolutely cheerful, absolutely relentless. On the BMs ‘Oh, wouldn’t that be nice! But I’ve decided to just have one attendant instead.” (and change topic). On flower girl “x is so adorable, isn’t she! but there are so many darling girls in the family we are not having a flower girl” (and change topic).  Vague is good too – ‘that’s something we’ll have to think about later on down the road’ ‘thanks for your thoughts on that’ etc. agree wholeheartedly with pp on being as vague as possible ‘we haven’t thought about that yet’ (even if you know exactly).

On co-workers – what i did was just very frankly say ‘i’m only inviting you and x to the wedding since you are my closest friends,  but i would hate to hurt other people’s feelings, so i need to ask you to please not discuss it at work’ – they were very respectful of that.

On children,  how odd that your sister can do what she wants but you can’t? If you must, you can say ‘Mom, Dad, FH and I do not want children at the wedding. We understand that is not your preference, and if you want to take away your $ contribution because of that, I am completely ok with that decision. Please feel free to tell family and friends it was not your decison and any unhappiness from them is on me.’

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