Post # 1
My FH’s parents have offered to pay the lion’s share of the cost to have a reception for he and I. The breakdown of who’s paying for what is like this:
- Me and Groom: “American” ceremony with photographer, our hotel room, our attire, my hair/makeup, wedding favors, photographer for the Persian ceremony and reception (this is different than the one for the American ceremony), invitations.
- Groom’s Parents: reception venue, caterer, entertainment(DJ), cake, the Persian ceremony and required items for that.
- My parents: floral arrangements, decorations.
The groom comes from a large family and mine is small. However, it seems like the guest list for his “side” is growing daily and we only have 100 max. guests. I am looking for the most polite and diplomatic way to assert myself and let his mother know that since we have all contributed, that the list needs to have more openings for my family and Groom/My friends. I’m concerned because I want photos and memories with people I know and not a bunch of strangers. I know she thinks that because they are possibly spending the most money that they should control the guest list. I don’t want to ruffle her feathers but if I don’t stand up for it now, it won’t get said.
Post # 3
Definitely speak up. It should at the very most be a three way split but I am all for the B&G controlling the guest list. It is after all your wedding. If the parents want a party they should throw one and not use your wedding as an excuse for one.
This steams me because one of my very best friends had no say over her wedding. She got to invite only three people, was forced to wear a dress she hated, no say over decor, food, etc. She says the only thing she got to pick was the guy. It makes me so mad because every wedding she goes to makes her sad (even after 13 years) and she never looks at her wedding pictures. This is YOUR day. Stand up for yourself or you might live to regret it.
Post # 4
Point is your parents and his parents already had their wedding…. this is yours and your FH and you two should be the ones to make the desicions of who, what, when, and where… b/c well it doesn’t matter who’s paying, they’re paying for YOUR WEDDING, not theirs.
We had contributions from all sides with the majority coming from Darling Husband and I and we invited who WE were close to… which left out alot of extended family.
Did some throw fits? YES… Did it bother us when they were not very nice at other family gatherings? YES kinda… BUT now 5mths later and everyone is over it… or atleast acting right again. lol
Do what works for you and Darling Husband… these are the people that you’re going to remember this day with for always, make sure it’s people that are there for YOU and HIM and not just for someone who paid for part of it.
Post # 5
@secondchances: That is so incredibly sad!
I’m worried about our wedding ending up like that because my Dad is paying for most of it, so his wife (my step-mom) thinks she gets to control it. She’s inviting a bunch of her family who I don’t know and wanting to be treated as the ‘mother-of-the-bride,’ even though my own mother is alive and very close to me. If things get too out of control my fiance and I are going to politely tell them we’ll just have a small, low-budget wedding and cover the cost ourselves.
MrsJoon- I think you should talk to them as soon as possible, before things go to far and they starting telling people they’ll be invited or even sending out invitations.
Post # 6
Thank you for the kind suggestions. As I told my friend earlier, planning a wedding primarily with the future mom-in-law is definitely an exercise in diplomacy you’ll never forget.
I am a doctoral student and my life is consumed by school, so I have literally planned my whole wedding from behind the computer. Future Mom-in-Law (FMIL) has been emailing me all sorts of links and items I need to decide on and I just yes and no. The only thing that she’s seemed sketchy on is this whole guest thing. In his family, all family are invited whether you like them or know them.
To be honest, there’s only a couple people from my family that I want there and I’d really like to use my “guest credits” on my friends (super close ones only). However, my mom is already going on the defensive because she and my dad think that we have to do it by the book.
Not sure how much the avg. cost is for photography, but we’re paying $1500+ for an amazing artist and I want the pictures to bring back good memories, not of forced shots where I pretend to be happy standing next to a relative that irriates the you know what out of me.
Basically, the root of my issue is how I should say to his mom that we need equal representation on the guest list and how to tell my mom that my friends in most cases are more favorable than extended family. Arghhhh
Post # 7
Good news update: We are almost split up the middle on numbers of invites going out on both sides. Now, if only the ivites would arrive from the printer!
Post # 8
@MrsJoon: glad you have been able to sort this 🙂