(Closed) Losing faith

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
6597 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I have been there – it is incredibly frustrated!

I insisted on a realistic timeline because I can’t stand not being in control of my own future and so I would have said “well what is it? This summer or next?” Remember that this should be a decision that you make together sit down and discuss with him your expectations and then get him to tell you his – that way you will at least be on the same page!

Good Luck!

Post # 4
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I have to disagree with FutureMrsMartin, but that may just be a difference in the way we approach our relationships. I think you two should have a good idea of where the relationship is heading (eventually marriage, etc.) but I do NOT think you should pressure him for an exact timeline. The waiting is the best part sometimes! If you feel that he is The One, and you two have discussed marriage, then I think you can let it end there. He knows you are ready for a proposal, let him do it in his own time! Take up a new hobby, go out with your friends, get busy and soon you won’t be as focused on the “when” of the proposal.

Post # 5
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

You definitely need to have a real conversation and agree on a real timeline. Maybe not the most romantic story ever, but you need to know he is serious and you need to have some security. And really, to me, security is romantic 🙂

Post # 6
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Ohh, how frustrating for you! A similar story happened to a college friend of mine. She has been dating her boyfriend for almost eight years now. They have been talking about marriage since year 1 (when they were sophomores in university), and starting planning a wedding at one point about 2 years ago, but he is the king of excuses. Everytime they get close to committing to a date and guests, he comes up with some reason why they have to delay: educational goals, career goals, new career goals….they have no financial reason not to get married. I just think that at this point he is not going to commit to her in marriage. He would say “we’ll get engaged at christmas” and then christmas would come and go with no ring. They are still together and she is still unhappily waiting.

Instead of trying to nail down a date with your boyfriend, maybe you can talk with him about what marriage means to you? For example, he may see it more as a formality that can occur whenever, whereas you maybe see it as a meaningful commitment that is greater than just plain dating. However, there is a possibility that he has some deeper issues about commitment or else he would have gotten around to it by now. If he really wanted to do it, what would he let stop him? 

Most people when they get engaged are ready to get married right away—it’s just that they want to take time to plan a proper wedding. By this point he is either ready to marry you tomorrow (and then add some months in to plan the wedding) or he’s not. And if he is not ready, then you need to talk about what would enable him to be ready. I don’t mean to make you feel worse, because I really don’t think this situation is hopeless. If you’ve been together this long, clearly you have a good relationship and have a lot of things going for you. Good luck and let us know how things go.

 

Post # 8
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I couldn’t handle a “sometime” timeline, either. I needed to know…..and he understood and respected that. I really didn’t like the idea of “us” getting engaged on “his” timeline w/o me having any idea. But i may have felt differently if he wasn’t in Iraq for 15 months and I was going to move to StL for him and his family w/o KNOWING we were getting married. If i was going to make that committment, I needed him to make that committment.

If you’re crying over it, i think you need to talk to him and say it’s upsetting you and that you are worried you’re bieng yanked around.

Most men don’t respond well to an ultimatum. Mine didn’t, but when i explained my idea of “ultimatum” he understood where I was coming from, with the ball being in his court all the time.

Granted, if he’s having surgery, I think you need to respect that he’s probably stressing over that. I’m getting ready for a laproscopy in NOvember and I’d be peeved if my husband was pestering me (sorry not a good choice of words) about something in the future when what is going to happen *very soon* (ie chopping into his leg) is taking center stage. Tell him you don’t need to know exactly….but that say, you both decide you’ll get engaged within a year? Does he know that if you guys want a summer 2010 wedding then you need X months to plan? I told my guy that and he goes “oh i thought you’d do it inj 3 months” and i almost hit him =]. I told him just cuz his sister did that doesn’t mean I can and I wanted 12 months. I got 13 months……it wasn’t fair for him to not propose until a few months before and then expect to flurrily throw together a wedding.

Post # 9
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

oh ps you don’t get to use the Fiance word until it’s true. maybe he doesn’t realize that the actual RING is what kinda makes the engagement official…..

Post # 10
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Hi Waitingbee!  I was in a similar situation – He and I have been dating for 8 years and have lived together for 4!  I will be 29 this year.  We finally got engaged this past May but it had been an issue between my fiance and I for about 2 years prior to that so I know just how you feel.  We had picked out rings and set tentative timelines and they would just fly by with nothing.  I just kept waiting.  We took vacations that would have been perfect for a dream proposal, there were so many opportunities and nothing.

It definately is NOT going to be pleasant but I think you need to really sit down and explain to him what this has felt like from your end and why it is important to you.  It is easy to get into bickering type arguments and no man likes to hear the words “serious discussion” or “ultimatum”.  My advice is try to explain and talk about the things that matter and affect you.  Keep it about you and not about what he has done wrong.  I think that men don’t have a firm understanding of the emotional component of engagement for a woman.  It is a rite of passage for us – for them it doesn’t always hold the same significance.  My fiance didn’t think it was that important because he already considered us to be fully commited to each other because we lived together.  He thought that I was just sucumbing to peer/parent/societal pressure – not that being engaged meant something more profound to me.  I needed to explain to him that we were at the point where I was going against what I really valued and wanted in order to give him more time.  It was a situation where I felt like I was betraying myself and it was becoming unbearable – that was all a revelation to him.  Even though he knew what I wanted prior to this, he just didn’t understand the depth or importance before.  He didn’t understand how much it hurt me.    

 

For me – that conversation was a turning point.  We both learned new things about the other and we rebuilt a lot of trust.  It felt like we were closer afterwards and gave us some “lessons learned” about how to confront issues in the future.  I hope that something like that can happen for you.  Good luck and feel free to send me a message if you ever need to vent 🙂

Post # 11
Member
32 posts
Newbee

My sister had this conversation with her now husband.  They had to sit down and hash out the differences in timelines.  It really boils down to fear on both sides.  Her fear was that he would never marry her and she would be “wasting time”, his fear was that she would change and he would end up unhappy.  We are all human, and we want our fears to be abated.  Sometimes it involves exposing those vulnerabilities to one another and having an uncomfortable talk.

 

Post # 12
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

It took my Fiance 5 years to get all of my “hints”.  Patience…if it’s meant to be, it will happen.

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