Post # 1
Wondering if any of the other “bees” have been in a similar position… while they are “waiting” for the proposal… and the time just seems to be dragging and your SO doesn’t seem to be taking efforts to the move the relationship ahead… have any of you begun to lose interest in him and the relationship?
I guess I am starting to resent him… for making me wait 4 years (after knowing each other for 15!!) and counting knowing that we are living together… I pay for all dates, vacations and home bills… and that after 2 years he’s still surfing through life and career in a non-committed fashion.
I love him dearly… but I just don’t feel that there is a hope that this relationship is moving forward beyond me being tasked as his domestic goddess and bread-winner. Aside from having a companion… I don’t see what “partnership” could be made of it beyond the current-state-of-affairs.
My partner is in his early 40s and I am in my early 30s… and I am sincerely feeling a sense of pressure as to where this is going. I am ready to settle-down and move forward with having a family, etc. … and I have begun to lose interest in what we have.
Believe you me – I realize I am venting right now — and there is so much that he does for “us” as much as me everyday… and I do not want to overlook that. I am trying to hold onto those things in the hopes that I am in a “phase” as a result of the waiting.
We talk about marriage all-the-time… and he even has solicited ring ideas and so forth. But at this point I can’t determine whether this is a “stall” tactic or the real thing.
Anyone else go through a similar inner monologue and doubt while you are “waiting” for your SO to propose?
Post # 3
In your situation I can see why you’d lose interest. Sounds like he’s comfortable. You’re paying for dates, bills, etc. You share a home together, there’s no incentive on his end to move things forward.
He entertains conversations about a ring but no solid plan Or timeline there. Have you talked about a timeline? Do you share finances where you can see if he’s taking out a substantial amount.
At your age I wouldn’t continue to coast with him. He can afford to, but you can’t if you want kids. a decision has to be made on whether this move forward. Be assertive and let him know when you’d like to be engaged. Don’t just sit there and wait. This process effects you as well.
Post # 4
It makes sense from your post why you would be losing interest. Your partner sounds like he is not really trying to make you happy or anything. I can relate to the feelings of losing interest, though. I mean, SO is still my best friend, but I’m getting a little tired of not being able to talk about anything I want (engagement, marriage, future, moving, better lives..) without him acting like a child about it. It just seems like if he really loved me, he would be trying to actually do the things I have told him will make me exponentially happier. It’s not like I’m suffering in total silence about it. He just isn’t making the changes and I’m resenting him for it. I am obviously interested in sticking it out, but I’m not just going to forget the things I want…. My SO only gets leeway because we are 22 but in your case, your partner is older and should kind of know what he wants to do by now and get the show on the road. Good luck :).
Post # 5
Yes I certainly went through this, I had been with my SO for 5 years, living together for over 2, spliting bills and taking care of him all while working full time and attending night classes. I brought up marriage after our 5 year anniversary because I thought it was time to have the discussion about where we were headed because we never talked about it. The very first thing out of his mouth was “I dont want to lose half of everything I own” I said I’d sign a prenup, but regardless that hurt my feelings because I have my own sh** I dont need his. Anyways, things were never the same after that, I resented him for making excuses like that to not get married and I found myself getting curious about the attention I was receiving from other men. Our relationship is now over, although he didnt want it to be. I suppose he wanted me to be a live in girlfriend forever. But I know my worth. With him being 30 years old (I am 25) and making it clear he didnt want a committment, I knew he never would. People always told me to wait a little longer maybe he’s waiting for the perfect moment, I am not going to tell you that though. If he isnt ready by now, he may never be
Post # 6
@Nikki_Woodstock: maybe it’s time for a solid ultimatum. I don’t normally believe in them but I think you’ve given him enough patience already. I’m 30 and I told my SO at the start of the year I’m not having kids until we’re married and I’m not having kids past the age of 35. He’s 33, he really wants kids. I literally had to spell it out to him, women do only have a certain window to have kids! The ball is in his court now as to how many kids we potentially have. It might sound mean but i have sisters and I know how difficult and tiring being pregnand and raising kids can be,and I’m not wasting my time waiting for him to suddenly realise that.
Sometimes they need a kick into reality That time doesn’t stand still. I would sit him down and ask straight out ” do you want to marry me?” If the answer is yes ask him what he’s planning to do about it. If he replied with the some day crap, I’d be gone.
a week after I told my so about my timelines, he said one day from his own mouth without me mentioning marraige that we’d be married within 2 years. That was 6 months ago. I think a proposal is soon.
I think men need to take into account that we also have our timelines. Good luck with your decision
Post # 7
Is there anything that could be making him extra hesitant? Specifically, has he been married before? Is he in between jobs right now? Just frugal, etc? Either way, I agree with the other bees. I think it’s time you sit him down and ask him for a solid timeline, if not a solid answer, as to why 4 years but still nada.
Me and my SO are in our 30’s and 40’s. And yes, I did start to become resentful a few months ago…and we’ve only been dating 2 years! But I think that’s really because, like you, we too want a family. So it’s not like he doesn’t know stalling is just going to make this more difficult. Plus my guy actually gave me a timeline of July. But now July, has turned to “end of summer.” Then when I ask if he’s saving towards a ring he responds with a wobbly ‘yes.’ Which to me says, if he has been it’s probably very little. And normally this wouldn’t bother me but this man makes decent money! And even though he has had some unexpected things pop up financially (we don’t live together), I still feel like there’s no need to keep pushing this back. Cause I’m not asking for a 6ct. sparkler. I just want a ring!
BUT! In my SO’s defense, he has been divorced and it was a really foul marriage. Also they just up and married. No engagement or anything. So I think with me, he just wants to do things the right way, without feeling all this extra pressure to hurry before my clock implodes lol and that’s why he’s stalling around.
Regardless, hope you can get some type of concrete answer from him. Good luck!
Post # 8
I think an honest conversation about timelines is the minimum you deserve.. i’m in a similar situation, though we are 30 and not in a super-hurry, but recently it has been much more prescriptve on my part and honestly it was like a lightbulb moment for SO. yeah I want ot have kids in the next few years.. and I want to be married first.. and a year engagement.. do the mathematics and hurry up.
Since then he has gotten a new job, we are buyig a house, and ring talk is happening.
i’d try that and if he is just not stepping up… consider the alternative, you deserve better
Post # 9
@Nikki_Woodstock: you sound like an amazing woman and partner. Make sure you are getting what you deserve in return. I am not in that specific situation, but I’ve had my fair share of peeling like I am pulling the majority of the weight in a relationship, and it sucks.
Post # 10
Have you tried Mr. Bee’s three step plan?
I don’t blame you for being disinterested. At early 30s, those eggs aren’t exactly getting any younger if you do desire children.
Post # 11
He has no motivating factor for changing anything in his life. Therefore if you want things to change, you have to be the driving force in that.
Post # 12
I don’t blame you for losing interest! He’s coasting, and you’re doing all the work!
Post # 13
@Nikki_Woodstock: If you guys are talking about marriage, that’s a good sign. Ring ideas are even better. He should be able to give you some rough timeline if he’s serious about marrying you — like, are we talking a proposal in 6 months, 9 months a year? I agree with the PP in asking not just for a timeline, but what’s holding up the timeline. Is it financial, has there been a death/ill health in the family lately, a major move or change in his career?
Post # 14
I agree with a PP saying it sounds like he is comfortable.
You need to shake up his world a little..either give him an ultimatum or timeline. You need to do something, sitting around waiting and resenting him will only get worse – don’t let it get to a point that it will ruin your relationship just because you can’t/won’t speak up.
You pay for everything and do everything for him, so take charge. It sounds like he has a lot more to lose if you broke up so seriously, shake up his world a little!
Post # 15
Thanks for all the support ladies! I was so not expecting such amazingly supportive responses! You are all gems.
Thought I would pass along an update as to my situation – and to also thank you again for letting me vent my frustrations…
About a month ago we sat down and had a heart to heart – tears were shed – voices were raised and finally I toed the line and suggested that I couldn’t keep living on eggshells. I also asked him to vocalize his reasons for why things were not moving ahead. That this was his moment to clarify expectations; direction etc.
He was quite kind and rational… and concluded amidst much self-shame that he is a proud man and can’t bring himself to confront my family to ask for their permission to marry me until such time as his career gets some traction. I assured him that doing something that made him happy professionally was more important to me as a partner than something that was lucrative – as clearly I am capable of taking care of myself. To be honest – he was in tears when he was talking about the shame of the current situation. I’ll admit it … my heart melted but I let him know that I could wait at most 1 more year (6 months is what I said) before I would conclude we just aren’t on the same page.
He was almost flabbergasted when I gave the timeline — saying that 6 months was WAAAY to long for me to have to wait! That he was thinking 3-4 max. A good sign. He’s also since solicited additional ring ideas… and wants me to know that he is planning some big romantic gesture for the proposal. A surprise… but to be prepared. He has no intentions of ever proposing again to anyone… so he wants to pull out all the stops and make it a big event. Worthy of all my love and support.
Since this chat he has actively been pursuing more focused career endeavours … and will be signing on to a new organization next week. The traction he was looking to has materialized. Additionally, his family has already begun to allude to our “wedding gift” (patio furniture) … which would suggest to me that things are in the works.
Last week I found the perfect ring idea online… and he jumped at the idea asking me to send him the link to the stone that I had located online (I am going for something non-traditional — a natural untreated bluish green sapphire – 3 carats). Within the last week that particular stone and 1 other within the same size/price range has gone “on hold” … so fingers crossed!!!! 🙂
Will keep all of my fellow bees updated as to what transpires!!
Thanks again for all of your kind words and sage advice!
Post # 16
That’s such a fantastic update! I missed this thread originally but I’m so glad you were upfront with what you required from the relationship. Exciting things ahead for you 🙂