(Closed) Losing interest in the relationship during the waiting/because of waiting

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
3723 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Your doubts definitely seem to be coming from him not being able to contribute to a stable financial situation and that’s definitely a red flag, especially since you have your head on straight about your finances. If I were you, I would have him sit down with a financial advisor and see about him making better financial habits and decisions. You seem like a slightly older couple (and I don’t mean old.. just not in your early 20s and getting your careers started from what you have said), and I personally would have a hard time feeling content in a relationship where my partner is living paycheck to paycheck without making strides to fix the situation. I have plans for my future that don’t involve me working until I die, and I would expect my partner to be on the same page. I hope this doesn’t make me seem like all i care about in a relationship is money because I definitely don’t. I just want someone who has the same goals as me.  If he’s a good man in other aspects, I would try the counselling for a few months and see how things go. If he doesn’t seem to be making new habits and breaking old ones then I would end the relationship. 

Post # 3
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Sorry to hear it’s been a hard few months!

Agree with PP, it seems like you are concerned with his lack of financial planning. That’s a valid reason to second-guess your compatibility with your SO. I would start to resent him if I was always planning ahead and my savings were at risk based on SO’s decisions.

That being said, financial planning can be taught if your SO is willing to learn and change his habits. If not, I would consider ending it.

I have been with my SO for almost 6 years, although we are on the younger side. At year 4, I was convinced we would break up! I thought he was right for me, but became obsessed with waiting and thought he wouldn’t commit. So I focused on my own goals: my career, my dog, my health. Almost bought my own condo. Helped me realize I didn’t need him to achieve most of my life goals, and there was no reason for me to wait!

Happy ending as my engagement ring is in production and I think he’ll propose late this month 🙂 And I feel so much more prepared for it now.

Post # 5
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

That’s fair and totally understandable. Have you talked to him to see if you are on the same page about 10 years from now?

Post # 6
Member
1346 posts
Bumble bee

If it is just the money situation that’s holding you back, is your SO open to learning about financial planning and/or willing to let you take the lead on the finances?  My DH is not the greatest at budgeting and little details so I am the designated finance person in our marriage and it works out great for us.

There are things you need to seriously consider regarding what you absolutely need vs would like but not necessary.  You mention wanting your SO to be more ambitious and driven and looking at other men who have those qualities.  The thing is, grass is always greener on the other side so you’re not seeing the negatives that come with a man who is highly driven and ambitious.  Just know that highly ambitious and self-driven men also tend to be more high-strung, impatient, and not really the type to be sweet and listening/understanding.  You mention your SO is very kind and nice, that goes along with people who are very patient and understanding but they might not be as driven and a self-starter.  So you have to really look at yourself, if you are the more driven go-getter dominant alpha personality than you would be more compatible with a man who is more laidback and patient (and vice versa if you’re the more laidback supportive person).

 

Post # 7
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

While it’s totally a red flag, money management is also a skill that can be learned, if the person is totally willing. I was terrible with money until I 100% dedicated myself to doing better, earning more, and getting out of debt. It’s an important conversation you need to have with him. Don’t discuss the relationship, just try discussing money and mutual future plans. Ask him if he wants to be living like this in ten years. You may find he wants to change his ways but doesn’t know how, or needs support.

Post # 8
Member
2965 posts
Sugar bee

You say that you feel you’re losing interest due to waiting, but your post reads as if you’re losing interest for other reasons. The way you’re thinking, I would have a serious discussion with him and set a timeline in your own head for how long you’ll give him to get his life together financially. You’re considering other men’s potential, you’re thinking of the lack of ties that would make breaking up easier, and you sound competely fed up with your SO.

Post # 9
Member
957 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

His money management was just the nail in the coffin for you wasn’t it?  It’s tough Bee, I get it, no one wants to break up with someone.  You invest all that time and energy, not to mention the kids.

I think you know it’s over.  I find that once women start to talk as you do it’s only a matter of time before they’re done-done. Once a woman is done she’s done. Nothing he can do to fix it In My Humble Opinion.  

I think you should go ahead and see what he’s able to do to keep you from leaving, if only to quiet your mind that you gave it every chance, but just like a still head over heals waiting Bee, I would pick a date and if he hasn’t ‘changed’ (which I think he won’t) then you’ll be able to walk away with more peace.

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