(Closed) Losing interest waiting for proposal/ring/planning etc

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

It sounds like you’re pretty resentful. Only you can decide if you’re ready to end your relationship. It sounds like he’s not very good at following through on what he says he’s going to do—that’s one of my major pet peves! Promises, promises.

You have to decide if you want to feel like this forever. Honestly, it’s much easier to figure all that out when you don’t have a shiny rock on your finger pushing you in the direction of marriage. It’s never easy to break up, but it’s much less complicated to leave as a girlfriend than as a wife.

Post # 4
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee

Move on Honey, he is not going to change, so if you aren’t happy with it, move on.

Post # 5
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@MissMarriage:  exactly!  Good advice.  Also, think seriously about whether you just want to be married or married TO HIM.

Post # 6
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

As MissMarriage said, it’s much easier to end a relationship when marriage isn’t legally tying you together (not to mention the wasted expense!), so I’d definitely think twice about marrying him if there are still issues. However, if you still want to give the relationship a go, perhaps set him some kind of ultimatum, like, “Look, you know I don’t like you smoking and I don’t like the way you’ve been behaving. I always said I won’t marry you until you changed, so prove to me that you can make a long-lasting change or we’re over.” Yes, there may be no wedding for a couple of years while he shows to you how much your relationshp is worth it, but if it’s going to work, it’s better than starting afresh. Plus you choosing to delay the whole marriage thing, which was presumably clear to him is what you wanted before, might give him a kick in the ass and show him you’re serious.

Post # 9
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

He’s manipulating you.  He wants you to live there, but not hold up his end of the agreement.  He wants to marry you, but not in the time that works for you that you’ve agreed on.  He’s trying to have it all and you have nothing that you wanted.

Move on.  This kind of resentment doesn’t go away as easily as you think, even if he compromises and does what he says. 

Never stay with someone who isn’t true to their word.  In the end, that’s all you’ve got.

Post # 10
Member
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I hate throwing my two cents on posts like this, because you never actually know what a relationship is like, only tidbits offered by the OP — but I have to agree with the above comments. This doesn’t sound right. If he really cared about you, he would make it more of a priority to quit smoking and to help you out around the house. Relationships are, generally speaking, supposed to make your life easer, not more difficult. And it seems like you have given up on your hope to have multiple children? Really? I think someone who cares about you would never make you give up on a life plan like that. Either you guys are on the same page, or you’re not. If not, it’s time to move on! Trust me, life can be better than this!

Post # 10
Member
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Double post! Sorry!

Post # 11
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@axeyourmakeupkit:  I have to agree.

Your resentment will only grow the longer this goes on. A break may do you guys some good and help you decide what you want. I would be more than mad at a guy who promises an engagement and never follows through, he knew how high your hopes were and just let you down! And he promised to quit smoking before marriage, I had the same deal with Darling Husband, so I totally understand not wanting to get married then have to worry constantly about what they’re doing to their health. He needs to at least look like he’s trying. He doesn’t appear to have any intention of doing what he’s promised he’ll do, then he feels insecure that you’re fed up and forces you to pump his ego by telling him you love him. It’s just all unfair to you.

Post # 12
Member
9627 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

it’s all about how you feel. if you feel that you spending your life with him, with all the broken promises, possibly never getting married, is the most important thing to you then stay, but if you do want marriage and kids and you think he won’t change then leave. you deserve someone who shares similar dreams to you!

Post # 13
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee

DP!

Post # 14
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee

Just to play devil’s advocate, quitting smoking is not something that happens overnight. It’s probably one of the most challenging things he will ever do. A vast majority of smokers try quitting multiple times before they succeed. I’m a former smoker myself, I quit as soon as I found out I was knocked up. SO said he would quit with me, but it’s been almost 2 years and he still smokes. He tried pretty hard, I dont hold it against him. It’s not like he does it in the house or anything. I think if you got into a relatioship with a smoker, it’s a little unfair to expect them to change. Even if it’s whats best for them. 

As for the rest of the issues…I can’t really believe that he misunderstood your timeline conversation. That seems like a convenient excuse for why he didn’t hold up his end. It was really childish of him to not clean the one room you asked him to clean, and I agree with PPs that his behaviour is manipulative. He can get away with whatever he wants if he knows you will always forgive him.

Stand up for yourself, dont let him sweet talk you or twist the conversation. Let him know that he needs to take you and the relationship seriously or you’re gone.

Post # 15
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

I tend to agree with the other posters about leaving. From the sounds of it, he seems just like my ex. Manipulative, childish, passive-aggressive….these sort of men want a mother, not a wife, and unfortunately like most children, they tend to rebel against their “mothers” perceived “demands” by being, yup, manipulative, childish and passive-aggressive.

Also, if he’s in his 30’s (I’m assuming so because of your reference to limited time for children), he’s had a very long time to get stuck in his ways and is highly unlikely to change.

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