Post # 1
Ok, so anyone who read my last post will be aware that we’ve had the marriage/timeline talk. Timeline was for by end of last year engaged, and married this year. Didn’t happen. We’ve also had other talks about him giving up smoking. He gave up for three months but has now started to do it again at the weekends. Since we rowed about it I’ve had passive aggressive nonsense from him.
E.g. when organising a spring clean for our house inspection, he takes one room but barely cleans it at all. Starting arguments over anything. blah blah blah.
Since the initial ‘talk’ 4 months ago, things have been a bed of roses and absolutely wonderful. It was like honeymoon phase but better.
Before that, I’d had plenty of the old passive aggressive behaviour and got to a point where I didn’t want to listen to it any more and put my foot down – hence the moving on talk.
Now he’s started again, it’s really turning me off. Plus the fact that he swears we said engaged AND married this year (yeah like that’s possible). I don’t want to be around him, I resent the fact that I moved in with him and he said he wanted to give up smoking and get engaged (this is nearly eighteen months ago). I resent that I’ve never given him crap about smoking even though I’m a staunch non-smoker, and have always told him I’ll never marry a smoker – he thanked me at new year for being so amazing and helping him to quit. Clearly didn’t mean that.
Feeling angry, sad, upset but most of all a desire to disconnect. I’m tired of this rollercoaster. Should I be thinking about getting off?
Post # 3
It sounds like you’re pretty resentful. Only you can decide if you’re ready to end your relationship. It sounds like he’s not very good at following through on what he says he’s going to do—that’s one of my major pet peves! Promises, promises.
You have to decide if you want to feel like this forever. Honestly, it’s much easier to figure all that out when you don’t have a shiny rock on your finger pushing you in the direction of marriage. It’s never easy to break up, but it’s much less complicated to leave as a girlfriend than as a wife.
Post # 4
Move on Honey, he is not going to change, so if you aren’t happy with it, move on.
Post # 5
@MissMarriage: exactly! Good advice. Also, think seriously about whether you just want to be married or married TO HIM.
Post # 6
As MissMarriage said, it’s much easier to end a relationship when marriage isn’t legally tying you together (not to mention the wasted expense!), so I’d definitely think twice about marrying him if there are still issues. However, if you still want to give the relationship a go, perhaps set him some kind of ultimatum, like, “Look, you know I don’t like you smoking and I don’t like the way you’ve been behaving. I always said I won’t marry you until you changed, so prove to me that you can make a long-lasting change or we’re over.” Yes, there may be no wedding for a couple of years while he shows to you how much your relationshp is worth it, but if it’s going to work, it’s better than starting afresh. Plus you choosing to delay the whole marriage thing, which was presumably clear to him is what you wanted before, might give him a kick in the ass and show him you’re serious.
Post # 7
I just went and had a chat with him – said I wanted to know why he’s been irritable and acting angry lately. He’s being snippy and said I make him feel like he’s not good enough – examples: me going to sleep in the spare bedroom because of his snoring, me asking if he wants me to help clean (as he’s done a half-assed job on purpose), me finally voicing my belief that I don’t want to be with a smoker.
I feel like he’s taking all of these things too far. Just earlier, I thanked him for pointing out I should be shredding certain bits of info – because I don’t have that much common sense whereas he does.
In answer too, I’ve known since the first few weeks of meeting him that I wanted to marry him – before that, I’ve never wanted to marry anyone or have children with them. I want to be his wife and for us to be happy forever after like we have been the last few months.
The only decision that’s being taken out of my hands is having children, as I’m running out of chance to have multiple children given my age. But still, I’d rather be with him and without children than the other way around. Boo.
Post # 8
Oh yeah, and since he’s been starting this behaviour he keeps doing his baby voice afterwards and asking me if I still love him which is driving me NUTS! It makes me feel like he’s trying to get away with something.
I’m just getting ready and he’s come in twice. Once to ask if I like his new top and whether he looks good, and another time for ‘kiss tax’ and to ask if I still love him.
I’ve told him clearly tonight I do not appreciate him getting upset or hurt by something and instead of telling me at the time, acting out at a later date.
It’s making me go GRRR!! Sometimes I feel the best way is to ignore the behaviour and be distant when he acts like that – it makes him come back and try and ‘win me over’ again. But that’s not really solving anything is it?
Post # 9
He’s manipulating you. He wants you to live there, but not hold up his end of the agreement. He wants to marry you, but not in the time that works for you that you’ve agreed on. He’s trying to have it all and you have nothing that you wanted.
Move on. This kind of resentment doesn’t go away as easily as you think, even if he compromises and does what he says.
Never stay with someone who isn’t true to their word. In the end, that’s all you’ve got.
Post # 10
I hate throwing my two cents on posts like this, because you never actually know what a relationship is like, only tidbits offered by the OP — but I have to agree with the above comments. This doesn’t sound right. If he really cared about you, he would make it more of a priority to quit smoking and to help you out around the house. Relationships are, generally speaking, supposed to make your life easer, not more difficult. And it seems like you have given up on your hope to have multiple children? Really? I think someone who cares about you would never make you give up on a life plan like that. Either you guys are on the same page, or you’re not. If not, it’s time to move on! Trust me, life can be better than this!
Post # 11
@axeyourmakeupkit: I have to agree.
Your resentment will only grow the longer this goes on. A break may do you guys some good and help you decide what you want. I would be more than mad at a guy who promises an engagement and never follows through, he knew how high your hopes were and just let you down! And he promised to quit smoking before marriage, I had the same deal with Darling Husband, so I totally understand not wanting to get married then have to worry constantly about what they’re doing to their health. He needs to at least look like he’s trying. He doesn’t appear to have any intention of doing what he’s promised he’ll do, then he feels insecure that you’re fed up and forces you to pump his ego by telling him you love him. It’s just all unfair to you.
Post # 12
it’s all about how you feel. if you feel that you spending your life with him, with all the broken promises, possibly never getting married, is the most important thing to you then stay, but if you do want marriage and kids and you think he won’t change then leave. you deserve someone who shares similar dreams to you!
Post # 14
Just to play devil’s advocate, quitting smoking is not something that happens overnight. It’s probably one of the most challenging things he will ever do. A vast majority of smokers try quitting multiple times before they succeed. I’m a former smoker myself, I quit as soon as I found out I was knocked up. SO said he would quit with me, but it’s been almost 2 years and he still smokes. He tried pretty hard, I dont hold it against him. It’s not like he does it in the house or anything. I think if you got into a relatioship with a smoker, it’s a little unfair to expect them to change. Even if it’s whats best for them.
As for the rest of the issues…I can’t really believe that he misunderstood your timeline conversation. That seems like a convenient excuse for why he didn’t hold up his end. It was really childish of him to not clean the one room you asked him to clean, and I agree with PPs that his behaviour is manipulative. He can get away with whatever he wants if he knows you will always forgive him.
Stand up for yourself, dont let him sweet talk you or twist the conversation. Let him know that he needs to take you and the relationship seriously or you’re gone.
Post # 15
I tend to agree with the other posters about leaving. From the sounds of it, he seems just like my ex. Manipulative, childish, passive-aggressive….these sort of men want a mother, not a wife, and unfortunately like most children, they tend to rebel against their “mothers” perceived “demands” by being, yup, manipulative, childish and passive-aggressive.
Also, if he’s in his 30’s (I’m assuming so because of your reference to limited time for children), he’s had a very long time to get stuck in his ways and is highly unlikely to change.