Post # 1
I haven’t been on here lately as I have been super busy with work and school. Lately I have been having the strangest feelings ever and wanted to see if anyone else has experienced this/has insight on this. I have been waiting for over 5 years for a proposal, with the last couple of years being extremely difficult as I was tired of waiting. My boyfriend never felt like he was ready and for the most part he could not even explain/understand himself why he was not ready. Now that he is “almost” ready he claims that the reason he was never ready before all had to do with finances. Well, now that he is the one talking about getting married and is actually looking into buying the ring I am the one who suddenly feels as though I am not ready. I suddenly have a strong desire to be more independent and am not even sure if he is the one anymore… I almost feel like I wanted something so badly for so long and it ate away at me that now its the last thing that I want. Its the weirdest thing ever though, its as though one day someone flipped a switch that made me lose all interest in wanting to be married.
Has something like this happened to any of you guys at all? I’m not sure what this means or where to go from here…
Post # 3
Poor thing… I’m sure this is confusing and difficult for you. If you’re not sure he’s the one and having doubts about committing to him, I think you should be 110% honest with him and take a small break from each other. Take a couple weeks, a month, to think about it and follow up with him when you say you will.
That being said, the fact that you said yourself that youre not sure if he’s the one anymore is pretty telling. Everyone’s different, but you should definitely feel some kind of “yep! He’s definitely the one” feeling before you say yes.
Post # 4
Do you mind sharing how old you are? I’m only asking because right around 24-25, I hit a major period of change where my expectations/certainty in my “plan” changed completely.
I’m not making an age-disparaging comment (I’m only 29..), just pointing out that you might be in a similar place. It might help if you take some time to yourself and sort out what’s going on in your head. Talking over the plan with him might help too.
Post # 5
I am right in that age range atalante, 24, maybe just hitting a certain time in life does have something to do with it?
I tried to do a “mini break”, it only really lasted about a week and I felt horrible because all that resulted from it was that he thought that I was interested in someone else and I felt even more confused. I don’t know if I am romantically interested in him anymore but its hard because for the past 5 years he has been my best friend. He is my favorite person to spend time with and I feel like if we were to break up it would be like breaking up with my best friend. I feel like I don’t want to stay together right now but I really don’t want to break up either. I know that breaking up probably is the solution because I shouldn’t stay with someone just because its comfortable and hes my friend. I feel like I can’t live with him but I can’t live without him .
Post # 6
Don’t worry! The feeling is completely normal – I am going through phases of this right now and like you I have been waiting approx 2 years for a proposal.
Now all of a sudden in the last 6 months it has been all my SO can talk about, I am the one that wants to just ignore him and just try and sit tight and wait for the proposal so I can be relieved and just make plans for something we both know is inevitably coming soon.
Once you get engaged you will feel excited again – and who knows, many bees who have gotten engaged said they got to the point where they just had no interest left, and BAM they were proposed to, completely naturally!
Maybe it’s a case of, your losing interest so your SO instinctively ups his game as you aren’t letting the waiting and wanting control you anymore 🙂
Post # 7
I totally know this feeling, although I did get engaged and 6 months later broke it off. We got back together and then mutually ended things. I think we do a really good job dreaming and not living in here and now. I got so caught up in everything after things really were serious I decided he wasn’t the one for me. I think I knew before that but never wanted to believe it. We dated for about 7 years. Maybe you are just going through a phase where you need to reconnect in your relationship or maybe it really is over in your eyes. I don’t think it will be easy either way but just trust in your feelings to do what is right for you.
Post # 8
Gah, I typed this whole response and lost it.
So. FI & I started dating when I was 19. I hit the change point around the 5/6 year mark, What I wanted out of the relationship changed – only for us it was opposite. I wanted to talk marriage, and he didn’t. And actually, I stuck it out for a few more really discordant years for the exact reasons you described. It really sucked, tbh.
Fortunately, it eventually worked out – but not because he popped the question.
In hindsight (20/20 and all that) I do wish I’d taken the time to sort myself out earlier. Maybe instead of a “break up” try taking a break – go away for a weekend, by yourself or with a gf, and just really think about what you want. I wish I’d asked myself the “I” questions more – “what do I want?” “Where do I want to go?” “Am I doing what I need to do to get there?”
This sounds selfish, because in relationships it’s all about “we”… but it’s really not. If you’re not sure where you’re going, then one half of the “we” is missing.
Post # 9
Sometimes taking a step back can help you clarify things in your life. But please don’t try to make something work when you know in your heart that things just aren’t right. Sometimes you try to make things work because you want to keep the status quo. You can’t imagine being with someone else or meeting someone new.
At the same time, you might not necessarily be happy with your current boyfriend. I was in a four year relationship that was going nowhere. We fought a lot and we were always having the same conversation about our future. We had different life goals, plans, outlooks on life. It’s like we couldn’t agree on anything. It was a lot of sacrifices and compromises right from the beginning and our relationship with a LOT of work. Oftentimes we would realize that we needed to end things but we were just too afraid to let each other go and step out into the unknown on our own. Letting go of something safe and comfortable is incredibly difficult, but in my case it was the right thing to do. So finally we went our separate ways.
Now I am with the man of my dreams. After meeting someone new I look back on my previous relationship with annoyance. How could I have been so blind? We were so wrong for each other and thankfully we ended it before we made a mistake, like getting married.
I have no idea what your relationship is like, but please be sure to ALWAYS be true to your gut feelings.
Post # 10
You’re not the only one.
The best analogy that I can think of is when you are hungry, you really want to eat and satisfy the hunger, but after being hungry for so long, the hunger subsides.
If he did propose, would you be excited? Would you say yes? If no, then maybe that’s a sign that what you wanted before isn’t what you want now. Regardless of the response you should do what you need to do, be independent, and treat yourself!
Post # 11
I’ve been guilty of feeling like this. I think there comes a time for a waiting bees that you just give up all hope and begin to focus on yourself. For me I knew that it was just a phase and that I wanted to stay with SO no matter what, and just took a sigh of relief in not spending every waking second thinking about a wedding that I had begun to think was never going to happen.
Give it some time and see how you feel when he proposes. There’s nothing that says that you have to say yes when he asks. But really just use this time in between to see how you feel.
Post # 12
I feel this way as well. I’ve had over a year of hearing he wants to propose, yet now I’m really wondering if this is what I want. I dreamed of being married and together with my SO for so long and can see a life with him, but now that it is right in front of me, I’m worried that it might not be what I want after all.
Post # 13
I didn’t lose interest in being married, per se, but I did lose interest in being excited about waiting. I wrote a post on here a few days before Fiance finally proposed – about how I finally reached a state of “peace” with the whole situation.
Could it be that you’ve blown the idea of engagement and marriage up so high in your head that you’ve just exhausted yourself? (I only ask because I think that’s what I did toward the end of my waiting)
If you’re unsure, you should talk to SO before he goes through with anything he is planning. Those “she said no” videos on youtube are heartbreaking.
Post # 14
Have you ever been independent? Have you dated anyone else? I ask because you say you are 24 and have been waiting for a proposal for 5 years. So were you pretty serious even at 19 then?
I guess you need to figure out why you are feeling this way. Some people marry their first loves and it works out well… but other people feel like they need to be independent, experience different things or whatever, etc.
At a minimum, you need to really evaluate what you want out of your life and relationships. Don’t get engaged unless you are 100% sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with this person.
Post # 15
I don’t think that you should just call it quits. In a sense, because you have been with him for so long it is almost like you have experienced a bit of what marriage could be like.
He is your best friend, HOWEVER obviously there has to be more than just a friendship to decide you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. Everybody has different sexual needs, and I think you should remember him for what it was like when you first fell in love. Try to be creative and try different things sexually and see if you feel for him what you once did.
Just as in your relationship, a marriage takes work to last… give it your best and have no regrets with whatever you decide to do.
Post # 16
@LittlePenguin: I think you are just so tired of waiting, that emotionally, you’ve detached yourself (subconsciously) so that you won’t keep being dissapointed that he hasn’t proposed yet. Don’t think about the proposal, think about why you wanted to marry him in the first place. What is it about him that makes you the woman you want to be? Those are the things that are really going to matter in the long run. Just don’t throw away the relationship because you are having doubts…. those are normal feelings, you are human.