(Closed) Losing money and losing time with DH :( What do YOU do?

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
564 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

For the first four years of our relationship, my DH worked nights and I worked days.  During the week, we would see eachother for maybe a total of 2 hours (not each day, TOTAL)  On the weekends, we had our lives to lead (friends, chores, errands) but we made it work.  Something I would suggest is to remember that this is “relatively” short-lived.  This is not a huge career change that will last for years and years.  It does suck, but you can make it through and having less stress financially will help your relationship overall, don’t worry! Hugs!

Post # 3
Member
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry. It’s really not fun when you feel like you never see your SO. DH has a job right now where he leaves at 4:30 in the morning and if he’s lucky he’ll be back home just in time for dinner, but lately he won’t be home until anywhere from 8-10. So he usually picks something up on his way home and then crashes when he gets home. It sucks, but remember that this will not always be how it is. Grad school can only take so long to complete. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by  MrsWoods47.
Post # 4
Member
3470 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

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whitemochi622:  I’ve been where you’re at.  My husband travels extensively for his work (such is the nature of the business of a surveyor/ocean mapper!) and at my last job, I traveled too.  We would go 6-8 weeks at a time without seeing each other at all and often his remote jobsites don’t have cell capabilities and limited internet.  

It’s hard, I wont lie, but it’s doable.  The important thing is to communicate in advance how your schedules are going to go and be mindful of the little time you do have together, don’t fill it with complaints about how little it is, or save up lists of honey-do’s for around the house.  Spend it enjoying each other and let the other things handle themselves later.  

It’s especially hard when things are tight financially, last year we moved from CA to AK in order for him to open a new branch in his company, so I wasn’t working right away and we had all the moving costs (some of which the company helped with, but not all).  It was a building year which means he had basically no staff and WAY more work than one person can sanely do.  I essentially didn’t see him from March until August except for a few 12-24 hr stints; our longest conversations were literally when I was picking him up or taking him to the airport.  And you can forget about physical intimacy, the few times it did happen you can’t even really call it enjoyable from the stress and external pressures. 

BUT, after months of saving up every last cent things eventually settled down and we got a nice 4 week stint where he was either working from home or even taking a little vacation time.  I took time from my job and we spent it together.  After such a long haul all summer long, the time off felt like paradise! 

This year is gearng up to be almost as bad, but add on top of that the fact that I’m starting fertility treatments and trying to time it between his work trips and the stress is just as bad as ever, but we’ll make it through.  Any marriage that’s meant to last always does.  It just takes dedication from both parties and an understanding that while the present may not be idea, you’re both worknig towards the same brighter future. 

Post # 5
Member
464 posts
Helper bee

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whitemochi622:  I’ve been there. For the first 4 or 5 years of our relationship DH worked nights and weekends. His days off used to be Tuesday and Wednesday and I worked full time M-F. But we made it work, because really, we didn’t have any other choice. It sucks, but you’ll get through it and when you do, you’ll appreciate your time together even more. Just be sure to maintain your own hobbies and interests so it doesn’t feel like you are always waiting around to hang out with him. Try to squeeze in 30 minutes a day together if you can. Good luck! You’ll make it through this time!

Post # 6
Member
464 posts
Helper bee

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juliette.eliza:  Not to thread jack, but have you looked into freezing his sperm? It’s an added expense, but it takes some of the stress out if you happen to need it for an IUI or IVF and he is out of town. 

Post # 7
Member
3470 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

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alove2:  It’s not really an option for us, there isn’t a single IVF clinic in the state of Alaska, or even a Reproductive Endocrinologist for that matter! 

If we aren’t able to get pregnant with fertility meds, I’ll be flying to Washington or California to visit a clinic there for each round of IUI and/or IVF, if we get to that point his part will be frozen though. 

Post # 8
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

First off, props for trying to cash-flow his grad school!! It really sucks now, but you will be thankful when you don’t have even MORE loans add to what you have already! How much longer will he be in grad school? The important thing is to keep your eye on the prize, tough it out, and know your lives will be better for it. Keep making the decisions that are best for you and DH both emotionally and financially – This too shall pass! Once he gets a job after graduation, you’ll be able to start knocking off the pre-existing loans and not worry about the new ones.

My BFF and her husband were in a similar situation…but they both were working FT and in night school (with classes on opposite days). It really sucked for them but they survived! They just took advantage of whatever time they had together on the weekends!

Post # 10
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Hawksnest Cove Beach St John USVI

When DH and I were engaged we had totally opposite schedules and rarely saw each other. He even worked weekends so that wasn’t an option. We made the most of what time we did have together. he would make my coffee in the morning and walk the dog just to make my life easier. 

We eventually moved and he has a job with a better schedule (still works weekends and odd shifts). Actually, when we first had the change it was strange seeing him more and having normal mundane routines. Before every moment together was a romantic time. We’ve worked through it and have nice dates or special time just talking or binge Netflix session or make games out of laundry. 

Keep your head up and find little ways to be romantic. 

Post # 11
Member
11517 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

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whitemochi622:  DH and I did that for the first 7.5 years of our relationship – well just about.  The first year we were both students so we had pretty much the same schedule but I had a job and he didn’t – we saw each other a lot (although summer was LD).  Second  year I was working full time with weird hours and he was in school full time but that pretty much worked out.  Once we moved in together he was working nights, I was working days, then I switched to nights but the shifts were different and we had different days off. 

It wasn’t until I graduated school for the second time that DH was FINALLY on a M-F 9.5 schedule and then I got the same schedule.  It was a really big adjustment, we got used to having entire days to ourselves.

Make the most of the time that you do get together, this isn’t permanent and while it sucks now, it’ll be better in the long run when he has grad school complete.

Post # 12
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee

I totally feel you OP, let me tell you my situation…. I see my husband less now after we married than compared to when we were dating. Yes, it sound strange but now he is working way too much hours. He pretty much have no choice, our situation is complicated. He have a mother who is old now, and recently have health kidney problem, so he is also help taking care of her too.

We a poor couple. We live in a cheap rent neighborhood, that was how we met, date and married…… We decided after we married, our goal is to make enough money to save up for a house down-payment. If financial goes as plan we should have enough to move by the end of the year. We have been saving, but now we need to save more, as fast as we can.

The environment we live here is bad neighborhood, full of violence, drugs and gangs… No way, I will raise a baby in this type of environment. It doesn’t leave us much choice beside save up money fast and get all of us out of ‘the hood’…… To be frank, I want the house to be for his mother. I will NOT move and leave my mother in-law in the hood. We gonna figure something out, right now we just don’t have enough money, that is why hubby working ALOT…

My husband is working 12-14 hours shift everyday, including overnight shift too if needed….. We have to sacrifice now, we want to raise our children in a better environment, you know….. But just till the end of the year when we have enough saving, then I’m going to ask him to ‘Consider’ cut back his working hours….. No money in this world is more important than my husband. If it weren’t for a house down-payment, I don’t want him to work too much hours.

Hubby works in the Warehouse and he drives the big Truck. These are labor physical job, so you figure how tired my husband can be….. After work, all he have time for is eat, shower and sleep. We didn’t even have a honeymoon and we newly wed. I know he tired as hell but he doing it for our future. But I need my husband too, it be nice if he work less hours..

I work too, but I work less hours than him, so right now I’m laying in bed on my Laptop while he using his physical labor working….. Poor hubby, thank God, it not permanent. When we have enough money…. I’m gonna ask him to quit one job. No money in this world is worth more than my husband……. BUT it gonna be a while before we can have enough money, we also have his mother to take care. Which I don’t mind, I told hubby to take all my saving and use it for a small house down-payment to get his mom out of ‘the hood’ first. Worry about me later, I’m an adult, I can take care of myself. His mom is old and she have a bit of health kidney problem, she is the priority.

I want to get his mother out of this bad neighborhood first. I had talk to my husband, if we going to leave this place, I WILL take his mother with us. And if my husband dare to abandon his mother, I will divorce him. I HATE unfilial son….. BUT I know he won’t abandon his mom, he is very filial and that is why I married him… To us Chinese, his mother is like my own mother. And right now his mom is my main worry. I don’t mind continue to live in this place, as long as his mom get out first…. Our options is use the saving money for a house down-payment and move all of us out, OR use the saving money to go rent in a nicer area.

Hope you feel better after reading my situation. Hope your husband get the dream-job that he and you wanted soon. Wish all the best of luck to you OP. It always best to have Grad degree, there more choices and opportunity out there when it come to find works, and you get pay more too……. I am a college dropped out, and it suck. I’m 30 now and I find myself to be too old to go back to school.

Post # 14
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee

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whitemochi622:  

Ms. OP, since you mentioned your husband is Asian, are you Asian too? Or you’re in an interracial relationship? Perhaps you can give me tips/advice on how to be a good wife ……. I sure know how it feel regarding to your husband said he feels bad when he make less money than you. Asian men do feel terrible when they can’t support their wives. Asian tends to have more insecurity than westerners.

I’m Chinese, but my husband is Black. So I’m in an interracial marriage. It sure was tough for us, but we made it, we married now. I don’t mind the struggle, because when 2 people go through alot to be together, they will treasure each others more….. He is an awesome husband, and I don’t think anything can break us apart now, unless he is the one that give up.

Have you read the ‘5 languages of love’ book yet OP? Do you know the type of ‘love language” between you and your DH?… Perhaps you can help give me some tips here in my thread, and share you and your DH type of language when it come to display of affection.

http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/love-lang-husband-physical-touch-wife-act-of-service-couple-wthis-combo/

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